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Kiss Me, I'm Republican
(in which I invent a new holiday that will go largely ignored)

Ah, Election Eve. Time for celebration, festivities, gaiety, food, drink, laughter....oh, that's Christmas Eve. Wait a minute. Why not? Why not make Election Eve as merry and festive as Christmas Eve? We could turn it into a beautiful holiday, so full of pure happiness and warmth that everyone would forget their differences for just one day and come together to party. And how fitting would it be to have an Election Eve celebration this year? Come tomorrow night, our nation will be thrown into a fit of turmoil so great that the cosmic karma of the world will implode and millions of voices will suddenly cry out in terror and become suddenly silenced. Yesterday, while doling out fistfuls of candy to hordes of ballerinas and ninjas, a neighbor I did not recognize approached my door with his two little rugrats. Cute kids. The boy was Bob the Builder. The girl appeared to be a seven year old ho-bag, but I could be mistaken. Maybe she was a princess who had taken liberties with the makeup. Anyhow, as I was dumping the usual variety of candy in their pillow cases, I see the father looking around in a mixture of horror and dismay. Maybe he didn't like the severed head in the garden or the creepy music I had playing. Maybe he was a horticulturist who was shocked at the condition of our shrubbery. But, no. It was none of that. "Uhh...Bush/Cheney??" He was looking at my yard sign and the various flyers and stickers hanging in the windows of my house. His voice dripped with disgust. "Uhhh..Bush/Cheney." I replied. Oh, if looks could kill this guy would have slain me a thousand times at once. He then shook his head as if to say "man, I had no idea I had neighbor that I would hate so vehemently because of our political differences!" I grabbed his kids by their scrawny little arms and pulled them back towards my door. I then searched around their bulging pillowcases for the candy I had just given them and took it all back. Then I grabbed a handful of rocks from the bowl by the door - there for just such an occasion - and pelted the father with the rocks until he lay bleeding on the sidewalk. I took two leftover stones and handed them to the ho-bag and Bob the Builder. Chew on that, you spawn of Satan! Obviously, none of that happened. I just shrugged, wished the kids a Happy Halloween and mentally kicked the guy in the nuts. This is just an example of why - now more than ever - we need an Election Eve holiday. Like a Festivus for the rest of us! So what we should do today is contact a friend who is voting opposite from you and say something nice to him/her. Or bake him a pie. Buy her a gift. If you think he's hot but you haven't hit on him because his politics make you sick, now would be the time to engage in a lengthy make out session with him. Wash her car. Cook him dinner. And then, when it gets close to midnight, everyone will exchange presents with their chosen friend. Make the present something that will be useful for the coming days, like mace or body armor or a box of tissues and some Visine. On Wednesday, we can all go back to hating each other again. It will be wild in the streets, like some scene from Earthquake, where everyone goes apeshit and Victoria Principal gets molested by a horny guy who just wants to inject some law and order into a scary situation. No, not like that at all. Maybe? I will admit I'm a bit frightened at the prospect of the mass civil disobedience being called for if Bush wins. Because civil disobedience so often turns uncivil. I'm thinking double locks for the front door, maybe stocking up on beer and snacks in case martial law is declared. You think I'm kidding? People keep asking for my prediction and I usually give them not so much a prognostication, but a wishful thinking scenario. Bush by a landslide! And they look at me like I just dipped into the fairy dust. I'm hopeful for my chosen candidate but I'm also cautious in my optimism. I do think there's a decent chance that Kerry could win. This makes me acutely unhappy, but it does not lead to thoughts of suicide or mass revolt. Maybe there's something to my Election Eve idea, after all. I don't think it's an exaggeration on the part of my imagination to assume that there will be some strife and acrimony in the air after Tuesday. I think we should go into that at least having been civil to each other pre-civil war. Maybe when you meet one of your rivals in the street and one of you is waving nunchucks around and the other is brandishing a sawed off shotgun, you'll say, hey didn't you just bake me a pie on Monday? Damn, that was good pie. Crisis averted. You both walk away fully limbed and still very much alive. This scene will repeat itself all over the country. Jets and Sharks will confront each other sharpened knives, one side singing "when you're with Bush, you're with Bush all the way," and the other gang singing back "the Dems are gonna have their way tonight," and suddenly Riff will remember that Bernado washed his SUV on Election Eve. The knives drop. Everybody starts breakdancing as Maria does a hip-hop version of I Feel Pretty. It's a small country, people. We must learn to live together in perfect harmony, which we will salute with the Coca-Cola that our rival neighbors bought us on Election Eve. Seeing as that no one will take the idea of Election Eve seriously, I plan on locking myself in the bedroom with nothing but beer, junk food and GTA: San Andreas until Friday. Hopefully, when I emerge from my election hideaway, all the burning, pillaging and rioting will be over and we can get on with the business of lawyers and SCOTUS. Still, would it kill you to go kiss a Democrat or hug a Republican today? Would it?


Listed below are links to weblogs that reference Kiss Me, I'm Republican
(in which I invent a new holiday that will go largely ignored)

» Uhh... Bush/Cheney? from scrawlville.com
Michele's fantasies aren't like yours and mine. Oh wait, that's right, they're exactly like ours: I grabbed his kids by their scrawny little arms and pulled them back towards my door. I then searched around their bulging pillowcases for the... [Read More]

» We're psychologically distoibed from Solonor's Ink Well
(in which I invent a new holiday that will go largely ignored)" href="http://asmallvictory.net/archives/007664.html">Happy Election Eve! Take a time out... [Read More]

» Hugging Republicans, Kissing Democrats from Pajama Pundits
Yeah? Whatever happened to a civil handshake? I mean, have you SEEN... ohnevermind. It's a great idea. So what we should do today is contact a friend who is voting opposite from you and say something nice to him/her. Or [Read More]

» NaNoWriMo from Arguing with signposts...
Guess what I'm going to try to participate in? I plan to post some excerpts of the novel here. And if it goes wrong, I'm blaming this lady.... [Read More]


I intend to stay as far, far away as possible from talking to my Democrat friends between now and whenever the last lawsuit ends. There are some things you just don't do if you want to remain friends.

Capital idea! I started my own Festivus last night by having a pumpkin carving party with a solid mix of Dems and Pubs. We had to get rid of a lot of extra pumpkins you see. Anyhoo there were pumpkin flavored treats and lots of good laughs and good tobacco smoked.

I think it will become a wonderful tradition.

There are two kinds of liberals.

The great majority of true believers who are misguided and ill informed sheep manipulated by a cynical minority of wolves who believe in nothing, but what furthers their own ambitions. Good examples of each genre are Al Gore and Hillary Clinton.

Taylor Caldwell's "A Pillar of Iron" about Cicero in ancient Rome is eerie. Cicero's words are so contemporary, it's hard to believe this same phenomenon happened two thousand years ago. We all know what happened then, and if Kerry is elected, we'll
prove that Santayana was right when he said: Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.

The sheep have learned their lessons so well that it's almost impossible to shake them out of it. They've been bombarded by leftwing propaganda from birth up. Deviating from this received wisdom may cause a real problem in practically every field of endeavor. Your neighbor felt empowered to sneer at your Bush/Cheney signs because he bought the media package that told him your side of the political spectrum was evil and hateful.

We recently had occasion to visit the most densely populated leftwing nutcase area of the northeast (Cape Cod in summer). At a family gathering, one of cousins, an academic married to another academic, taught their absolutely adorable little daughter aged four to
trill, I hate Bush, I hate Bush to the cheers and applause of those in her gene pool, the majority of whom were successful professionals in many fields of human endeavor.

This couldn't be more ironic because most of the conversation centered around how Bush and Cheney weren't sensitive to the needs of the children, the elderly, blacks, gays, and the list goes on.

erp -

I went on a motorcycle trip through Cape Cod a couple of weeks ago, and I was pleasantly surprised to see a large number of Bush/Cheney lawn signs. I think once you get out of the "beautiful people" areas like P-town and Wellfleet, there's a lot less LLL than one might think.

I think erp missed the entire freaking point of this post.

Hey, that would be a holiday worth celebrating. Short of handing out pies to my Democrat friends (though I'm tempted to wing some cream pies on occasion), I find that making light of our differences helps. One misguided woman my wife and I are friends with reacted viscerally when she saw the Bush/Cheney button I've been wearing everywhere--the change in her face was obvious. She happens to be "very pregnant" and I pretended I was going to put the button on the front of her enormous belly (no, I didn't use the word "enormous" with her). This got a laugh from her and her husband (who's a bit less rabid), and the air was cleared of any partisan emotions.

The sad thing is that most of my Democrat friends (I live in Minnesota--there are plenty of 'em) either have a hard time explaining why (except that he's not Bush), or don't realize that what they're really committed to having (safety for the kids, better education) just will NOT be delivered by the senator from Massachusetts. Certainly not as effectively as they would be by my man, George.

Back to Election Eve... I think the urge to keep asking my Dem-friends why they're voting for Kerry will be too great as the final hours tick away. But I'll be nice about it, I promise.

By the way, this cracked me up:

Maybe when you meet one of your rivals in the street and one of you is waving nunchucks around and the other is brandishing a sawed off shotgun, you'll say, hey didn't you just bake me a pie on Monday? Damn, that was good pie. Crisis averted.

Which reminds me... Napoleon Dynamite would be a good guy to have with you, post-election: "Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills. You know, like nunchuck skills, bowhunting skills, computer hacking skills..." Plus, he's pretty good with a bowstaff.

And the West Side Story references were great, too. Okay, I'll shut up now.

but but, the post election riots are going to be the best part. Well, ok, the implosion of the DNC will be pretty fun to watch - that and Kerry blaming everyone under the sun as the reason for him not winning - and Teresa throwing away the raisins and downing the gin while calling everyone scumbags.

It's not about the election this time, its about what happens after the election.

Great idea in principle...

...but why do I have the urge to make it a "Rodney King Fest?"

Any hot Dems out here looking for an Election Eve buddy? ;)

My wife and I are of opposite parties. We'll be kissing, hugging, *&&W#$^'ing the opposition plenty today.

I wholeheartedly support your holiday! :-)

Good thoughts, Michele, and I hope you have a good night. FWIW, I'd like to apologize for the tacky behavior of your Democrat neighbor. I'm voting Kerry, but if me and my kid had come to your door yesterday, it would've been all about the candy.

Okay, Michele. You're my opposite voter. Expect a pie and a big kiss. For on the morrow, we shall be MORTAL ENEMIES!

Accccch, I just don't have the heart. I think you're too wonderful to hold your party affiliation against you.

So, what kind of pie shall it be? Apple with cinnamon red-hots? Chocolate toffee crunch pie with miringue? Good old lemon icebox pie? Name it, baby. I'm your Pie Pimp tonight.

I can't not do this. I have to ask erp which of the two groups of liberals he describes do Martin Luther King, Jr., Ghandi, JFK and Jesus (ALL LIBERALS!!) fit into. Sheep or misguided true believers? Come on, spit it out.

Nice idea, but I don't trust the local moonbat population not to poison me with a pie...unintentionally, that is.

I think I'll follow your idea and lock myself away with GTA3:SA as well. Welcome to Grove Street!

Well, I'm glad I'm not the only one stocking up on beer.

Oh, wait...maybe I'm not....

Step away from the beer aisle at Wal-Mart!

It's all mine!


I was thinking that Election Day was almost like Christmas, except that all the bloggers would be out in force, instead of slacking off. It could be like the Star Trek episode "Return of the Archons".

It's almost the Red Hour!
Festival! Festival! A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Bizarre Factoid #1: I was watching "Return of the Archons" when a crawl came across the screen, announcing 9/11.

Bizarre Factoid #2: I originally wrote "Return of the Archives". I don't know what this means.