Ah, Election Eve. Time for celebration, festivities, gaiety, food, drink, laughter....oh, that's Christmas Eve.
Wait a minute. Why not? Why not make Election Eve as merry and festive as Christmas Eve? We could turn it into a beautiful holiday, so full of pure happiness and warmth that everyone would forget their differences for just one day and come together to party.
And how fitting would it be to have an Election Eve celebration this year? Come tomorrow night, our nation will be thrown into a fit of turmoil so great that the cosmic karma of the world will implode and millions of voices will suddenly cry out in terror and become suddenly silenced
Yesterday, while doling out fistfuls of candy to hordes of ballerinas and ninjas, a neighbor I did not recognize approached my door with his two little rugrats. Cute kids. The boy was Bob the Builder. The girl appeared to be a seven year old ho-bag, but I could be mistaken. Maybe she was a princess who had taken liberties with the makeup. Anyhow, as I was dumping the usual variety of candy in their pillow cases, I see the father looking around in a mixture of horror and dismay. Maybe he didn't like the severed head in the garden or the creepy music I had playing. Maybe he was a horticulturist who was shocked at the condition of our shrubbery. But, no. It was none of that.
" He was looking at my yard sign and the various flyers and stickers hanging in the windows of my house. His voice dripped with disgust.
." I replied.
Oh, if looks could kill this guy would have slain me a thousand times at once. He then shook his head as if to say "man, I had no idea I had neighbor that I would hate so vehemently because of our political differences
I grabbed his kids by their scrawny little arms and pulled them back towards my door. I then searched around their bulging pillowcases for the candy I had just given them and took it all back. Then I grabbed a handful of rocks from the bowl by the door - there for just such an occasion - and pelted the father with the rocks until he lay bleeding on the sidewalk. I took two leftover stones and handed them to the ho-bag and Bob the Builder. Chew on that, you spawn of Satan!
Obviously, none of that happened. I just shrugged, wished the kids a Happy Halloween and mentally kicked the guy in the nuts.
This is just an example of why - now more than ever - we need an Election Eve holiday. Like a Festivus for the rest of us!
So what we should do today is contact a friend who is voting opposite from you and say something nice to him/her. Or bake him a pie. Buy her a gift. If you think he's hot but you haven't hit on him because his politics make you sick, now would be the time to engage in a lengthy make out session with him. Wash her car. Cook him dinner. And then, when it gets close to midnight, everyone will exchange presents with their chosen friend. Make the present something that will be useful for the coming days, like mace or body armor or a box of tissues and some Visine.
On Wednesday, we can all go back to hating each other again. It will be wild in the streets, like some scene from Earthquake
, where everyone goes apeshit and Victoria Principal gets molested by a horny guy who just wants to inject some law and order into a scary situation.
No, not like that at all. Maybe? I will admit I'm a bit frightened at the prospect of the mass civil disobedience being called for if Bush wins. Because civil disobedience so often turns uncivil. I'm thinking double locks for the front door, maybe stocking up on beer and snacks in case martial law is declared. You think I'm kidding?
People keep asking for my prediction and I usually give them not so much a prognostication, but a wishful thinking scenario. Bush by a landslide! And they look at me like I just dipped into the fairy dust.
I'm hopeful for my chosen candidate but I'm also cautious in my optimism. I do think there's a decent chance that Kerry could win. This makes me acutely unhappy, but it does not lead to thoughts of suicide or mass revolt.
Maybe there's something to my Election Eve idea, after all. I don't think it's an exaggeration on the part of my imagination to assume that there will be some strife and acrimony in the air after Tuesday. I think we should go into that at least having been civil to each other pre-civil war. Maybe when you meet one of your rivals in the street and one of you is waving nunchucks around and the other is brandishing a sawed off shotgun, you'll say, hey didn't you just bake me a pie on Monday? Damn, that was good pie
. Crisis averted. You both walk away fully limbed and still very much alive. This scene will repeat itself all over the country. Jets and Sharks will confront each other sharpened knives, one side singing "when you're with Bush, you're with Bush all the way," and the other gang singing back "the Dems are gonna have their way tonight," and suddenly Riff will remember that Bernado washed his SUV on Election Eve. The knives drop. Everybody starts breakdancing as Maria does a hip-hop version of I Feel Pretty.
It's a small country, people. We must learn to live together in perfect harmony, which we will salute with the Coca-Cola that our rival neighbors bought us on Election Eve.
Seeing as that no one will take the idea of Election Eve seriously, I plan on locking myself in the bedroom with nothing but beer, junk food and GTA: San Andreas until Friday. Hopefully, when I emerge from my election hideaway, all the burning, pillaging and rioting will be over and we can get on with the business of lawyers and SCOTUS.
Still, would it kill you to go kiss a Democrat or hug a Republican today? Would it?