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Smashing Pumpkins: 3rd Annual Halloween Letter

It's worth repeating every year. In fact, I'm going to print them out on flyers and deposit them in the mailbox of every home in the surrounding area that houses a child between the ages of 11-18. Oh, don't doubt that my kids will get one.
Dear local teenagers, As we approach the dawn of another Halloween, I would like to take this moment to have a word with you. I will say this once, and only once, and there will be no second chances. Not this year. If any one of you so much as looks at my pumpkins in a way other than admiration, I will pick your eyes out with a spork. If any of you dare approach those pumpkins, or my scarecrow, with theft and/or smashing in mind, I will chase you down the street and slice your hands off with a butter knife. If you have the balls to actually cross my property and touch my festive lawn decorations, I will slice your dick off with a razor blade and feed it to the rather large dog next door. If I find one ounce of shaving cream, whipped cream, or other cream-like substance on my car in the morning, I will hunt you down and make you lick it off until the car looks like new. Do not doubt me. Do not make me act upon my words. Just walk on by the house and don't even look. Thank you.
It worked last year. Let's see what happens on the new block. I don't trust those kids next door. Now, go look at these famous monsters. Good stuff.


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You gotta see this Korla Pundit: Infamous Monsters of Filmland just clicky click now. Tipped by: A Small Victory who also has a rather nasty warning letter to the teens in her neighborhood. Including John Wayne Bobbit-ing them.... [Read More]


I am actually amazed that there was not any of the little demons that saw this letter as a challenge.

See what you really need are fake severed hands, dicks and eyeballs sitting in a bowl of 'blood' on the sidewalk with said letter posted above it.

OK, I hafta admit the "famous monsters" thing is pretty hilarious. Someone had to do an awful lot of work on that...

Get a Trunk Monkey.

Scratch my earlier suggestion. A trunk monkey is the way to go.

I think the glass bowl with things like spagetti, peeled grapes and plums, vienna sausages, etc all suspended in a red liquid with a note "what's left of the LAST punk who messed with my decorations" would add to the message!

Excellent, Michele!

Luckily my decorations are behind a wrought ironfence (which happily lends to the gothic cemetary feel) and once I shut down for the night I lock the gate. One neighbor about five houses from me will be running a full-blown haunted house tonight and tomorrow and has several adults on duty inside and out which kinda discourages rowdy teens from touching the deco on surrounding homes least they be spotted.

However, we are planning to move next summer ... so I'm saving your letter for future reference.


Richard Clark, George Tenet and others warned Bush of the bin Laden threat.

"What did [Bush] do? Nothing. That's absolutely right. He did actually bring 3,000 Americans to their deaths on Sept. 11 because of his inactivity,"

republicans are murderers.

What moron just posted above me?

Back to the Smashing Pumpkins...

Michele, you should be writing Bush's speeches on terrorism. Better yet: Michele for President!

Hey, how was the party? Or is that tonight?


Ewwww.... I know that smell....

troll dung

I think I'd be scared to go anywhere near a house that had that warning posted!

Much discussion has been heard of booby-trapping pumpkins here. (Two doors down is an obnoxious fifteen-year-old who is usually unsupervised and likes to pull the knock and run away trick on various neighborhood doors late at night.)

Idea number one was to take a shovel to the backyard and pack a pumpkin with the family dog's leavings, then lovingly decorate it with glow in the dark paint and set it out. Idea two was to grind up one of the styptic sticks made of silver nitrate we keep around for clipping said dog's claws, dissolve some of the powder, and paint either the loaded pumpkin or an ordinary jack-o-lantern with the resultant solution. If anyone picks it up without gloves, it will stain the offender's fingertips and palms dark brown for days.

I knew an engineer once who used a pressure sensor to rig his jack-o-lantern to explode when someone picked it up. I wish I could remember exactly how he did it.

I wish you would quit beating around the bush and just say what you mean Michele.

I think you left the little beasties a couple of outs.

Missing the paragraphs about the hazards of 'rolling' the place with TP or launching the embryonic chicken stem cell research on your siding.

They are nothing a gatling gun couldn't solve.