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The Red Sox, Arafat and the Moon: Why Voting for Bush Will Save the World

Congratulations, Red Sox fans. Yes, I mean that. Contrary to popular belief, I am not a smug, righteous Yankee-only fan who has never cheered on a losing team. Think pre-Stanely Cup era Islanders. The word hapless comes to mind. Enjoy your revelry, Red Sox nation. I truly am happy for you. After the Yankees lost to the Sox and I wrote this post, I received this email: bq. Will you be so gracious in defeat when your chosen candidate goes down in flames on November 2nd? Gracious in defeat is one thing when your sports team loses. It's a whole other ball game (bad pun intended) when it comes down to the future of mankind. Hyperbole? I think not. For something happened last night that signaled the beginning of the end of the world. Well, a few things happened. And I can't believe I'm the only one to see the pattern. On an October night less than a week before the presidential election, a full lunar eclipse takes place as a decades long curse is broken, as a man who looks like Skeletor in a latex mask is poised to become the leader of the most powerful nation in the world. And thousands of miles away, an evil man lingers close to death, his dying soul beckoning Satan to his bedside. Ok, why do I feel like Demi Moore in the Seventh Sign? Am I the only one who can add these things up? Did you not see The Omen? Read any Nostradamus? Something is in the air, my friends, and whatever it is has a bony, clawing hand just waiting to snatch our oblivious heads off our shoulders. Oh, it's not something completely obvious like, say, a witch flying across the sky etching the words "Surrender, Dorothy!" in the clouds. Ah, if only all it took were ruby slippers and a height-challenged barbershop quartet to get us out of this one. I'll just assume the subtlety of the clues is eluding you. Allow me to hit you over the head with a rock, then. See, I remember a passage in Nostradamus that referenced a curse being lifted at the same time the moon goes dark on a night when an evil man who looks like a fish begins his surrender to his dark lord. I swear, look it up. I would, but I'm afraid to Google something like that. Superstitions and all. Anyhow, the clues to the end of the world come out in a slow leak, like gas escaping from a pinhole. Speaking of which, I just saw something that looks like steam rising out of my lawn. Hang on while I go check this out. [....] Just as I thought! There is a newly formed crack in my property, right in the place where the former owners of this house ripped a tree out of the ground. I can smell the sulphuric heat emitting from the hole as soon as I open my front door. You know what this means, right? It means that Stephen Dorf is going to knock on my door and tell the me the gates of hell have been opened once again! On my property! Look at this picture. Don't be fooled. His hands are raised in praise of Satan as he harnesses the evil powers that lurk in this world to help him bring on Armageddon. The signs are all around us that his powers are working. The unraveling of the Curse of Bambino is symbolism at its darkest. The near death of Arafat, the moon covered in blood, a new Herbie movie - on their own these all seem like benign, normal occurrences of life (except the Herbie movie, that in itself is frightening), but when put together, they are links in chain that only the really aware among us can see. And yes, I am one of the aware. I studied every coming of the anti-Christ movie ever made. I know a slowly creeping Armageddon when I see it. The seals have been broken! Ok, so I'm not sure exactly how many seals there are, because Satan could really fuck with us and say there are seven but in reality, there's only four or five. What if the election of John Kerry as our next president is the final seal?? See, here's how you can help stave off the handing over of our lives to satanic forces. Make your vote count. A vote for George Bush is a vote for keeping those seals...err...sealed! I laugh at you, Satan! You may have given the Red Sox the World Series ring they have sold their own souls for (come on, a sweep? There's definitely some soul selling involved here), and yea, maybe I enjoyed that eclipse and I'm not so sorry about the dying terrorist supporter, but we will not let you make your final move toward supremacy. We must elect George Bush, everyone! So, who's with me?

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Comments

Uh, ...time to up the medication again.
Decaf might be a good idea, too.
('Course, if it is the end of the world,
you might want to stock up on beer.)

All hail Satan's power!

Um... I mean... KERRY IN '04!

I'm with ya all the way! Funny, there's a crack forming in my driveway as well...right near my W sign...hmmmm.

To quote Kronk's shoulder angel: "No, no, he's got a point."

Sadly all the End of the World movies are based on a Jesuit's writings from the fifth century that have been passed like a dirty rumor through fifteen-hundred years of bad church and finally ended up being replicated, albiet with some flare in The Omen.

Enough of my historical rant. GREAT POST MICHELE! I'm definitely tracking it, how you say... back?

Glad you live in NY. Anyone for reforming the Electoral College so Michele vote will matter? (There is no well in "hell" NY is in Bush's win column on election night.

The end of the world is near! Repent!

I just don't want it to end in my lifetime, so I'm going to vote Bush, too. Already did, in fact.

Works for me.

Time to stock up on booze and ammo.

Elizabeth
Imperial Keeper

Yeah, I'm not so much convinced. For instance, i don't think Nostradamus ever foresaw anything as terrifying as a new Herbie movie. And I believe that the war on terro will settle down into a nice long, protracted, highly-profitable conflict that will last for the rest of time, just like the drug war, regardless of who is president. So I am voting for the guy who doesn't want to make a constitutional amendment defining marriage.

As the old saying goes, all that is required for evil to triumph is for spoiled kept men to take six positions on each issue and ultimately do nothing except wind-surf.

I think that's how it goes.

Michele, you've completely lost your mind. Welcome to the club.

Jado - profitable my ass. That statement shows that you have no respect for the dead, and that you don't read the news very often.
http://www.reuters.com/newsArticle.jhtml?type=topNews&storyID=6614279
I'm not sure which is the more eggregious offense, but I'm leaning towards the lack of respect for those who lay down their lives. Jackass.

Ok, why do I feel like Demi Moore in the Seventh Sign?
What? You preggers? Is that the subtle hint?

Ah, the question of Satin's power! One can revel in it's silky shininess, but is it any better than raw silk? Has it not become a cliche of the fashion runway? Yes, it dominates weddings. And can we talk a moment about proms? Adolescent girls trading their jeans to be draped in all manner of Satin's colors, bare shouldered, bare midriffed ... shall we not try and turn them from the power of Satin? Urge the simple, wholesome joys of 100% cotton or the innocence of chiffon. Ok, maybe a little crepe de shine would be ....

... what? .... Oh!

Satan's power ....

Well, then.... Nevermind

/latilla

Drew: Your vote "counts" no matter where you are. I don't think there is ANY way Washington will vote for President Bush -- but I am going to the polls and casting my vote anyway.

1. In the 1980s, a lot of states voted for Reagan that were unexpected. IF people had decided their vote "did not count" and chose not to vote (or not to vote in that race) for that reason, then that would not have happened

2. After the last presidential race, the numbers of the popular vote became VERY important. And everyone's vote, no matter what state, matters for that.

3. It's my duty as an American citizen who has researched the issues.

"Anyone for reforming the Electoral College so Michele vote will matter?"

Or Long Island could just secede from New York. I'm pretty sure it's been proposed before.

Jado

I'm voting for the guy whose first instinct to a NYTimes article is not to piss on the American troops.

Gee, it must be close to Halloween......

Forget the presidential election: I'm thinking that the Sox winning (i.e., Hell froze over and pigs are now airborne) might mean that my long-running streak of hysterically bad blind dates might also finally be over.

sorry Jen, but in order to swing the Sox pennant on the same night as a lunar eclipse, we had to trade three more years of your hapless blind dates. Fate's negotiating team was driving a hard line, but we figured you would be prepared to take a hit for the team, as it were. Besides, it's not like we left you out in the cold, we made them promise no dirtbags or scary types.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who, after Boston won the World Series, was afraid to log onto the internet.

No, no, no, it was 1999 and a guy in a red turban would cross something.

27 years of war, man would live in peace for 3000 then buh-bye!

Shank: I knew it was too good to be true. I guess I'll brace myself for 3 more years of guys with foot fetishes, who dress up like pirates, who write first emails that are 21 paragraphs long (in which they insist on calling me 'baby' when they haven't even met me yet), who turn out to be 5'7" when they claimed to be 6 ft tall, and who are using photos from 1991 and have gained 126.7 lbs since that date.

I may need to start drinking.

Please don't let the world end until after April 11th, 2005. That's opening day. That's the day the Red Sox hoist the World Series banner at Fenway...just before they play the Yankees.

The Republic will survive.

Wait...if the Fate Negotiating Team traded off my chance at a decent date for the Sox win and for GWB to also win, then I can totally reconcile myself to takin' one for the team.

Did anyone else notice that the picture of John Kerry bore a striking resemblance to Cristopher Lee in his Hammer film days? If he gets elected, can we expect to see Count Dooku by the end of it?

A new Heebie movie? We are so screwed.

A new Herbie movie? We are so screwed.

"Drew: Your vote "counts""

Actually it dosn't. The candidate with the popular vote does not always win. The electorial college elects the president and was a compromise to allow smaller states to have some say in a Presidential election.

In fact once the college meets then in theory they could vote anyway they choice. Of course they would face going to jail for it but I don't believe their vote could be nullified if they didnt vote the way they were suppose to.

Jen:
I can't corroborate that. I didn't negotiate to a political end, I was strictly baseball and astronomical events. On the GWB victory, you may want to initiate the rituals. I know, I'm the shittiest negotiator out there.

P.S. Hey, you wanna go out for coffee or somethin?

"Glad you live in NY. Anyone for reforming the Electoral College so Michele vote will matter? (There is no well in "hell" NY is in Bush's win column on election night."

Okay so instead of revolving battleground states as the electorate moves within the country, you want the power to be centralized in the largest cities? How is that better?

What is all this BS about votes "not counting"?

I live in CA. No matter how I vote it counts. While unlikely to swing an election, my lone vote is a representation of my participation in government. It doesn't matter where I reside. As long as I cast my ballot my vote has been counted and I get a shiny star in my good citizen ledger.

I'm sorry Drew, I know you mean well but I want more people to vote regardless of their location and polotical affliation. I don't see how getting rid of the electoral college(which seems to be the most popular choice of "reformers") will improve that. Your vote counts because you cast it. If its the impact of one's vote that one deems to criteria for even voting then we have lost the battle. If one want their vote have an impact, they should run for office.

"Actually it dosn't. The candidate with the popular vote does not always win. The electorial college elects the president and was a compromise to allow smaller states to have some say in a Presidential election."

Yes, because we are a representative republic. Also at the time Senators were elected by the state legislators. It was supposed to be a more reserved body of eleder statesman. That of course has changed(though I am not sure for the better).

You are correct that this is a bone to the smallers states. But those smaller states have the least say in legislative government. A slight bumping of advantage (electoral votes ratioed to population) on the executive side is a kind of check and balance.

The elected President has lost the popular vote 4 times in our 200 year history of elections. The country has survived. In one of life's great ironies after the last time, voter turnout is now expected at record levels.

The Seventh Seal

http://www.exzooberance.com/virtual%20zoo/they%20swim/harp%20seal/Harp%20Seal%20485028.jpg

Skeletor is much better looking than John Kerry.

One of my favorite paintings is Danby's Opening of the Sixth Seal.

I saw in the National Gallery of Ireland. It was enormous, taking up an entire wall. Its just so haunting and dark.

I have a print of it hanging in my home.

Let's see. Holy water, check. Bible, check. Crucifix, check. Wooden stake, check. Mallet, check. Silver bullets, uh, anyone seen my silver bullets? Oh, well, I'll just have a Bud Light, then.

Philadelphia has more registered voters than it does population. Think about that one.......The democrats are handing out more beer and cigarettes.......

"Philadelphia has more registered voters than it does population. "

You have this wrong. The population of Philly has decreased. But while its voter registrations have increased, they do not exceed the population.

Michele - you forgot Fidel tripping on air and cracking his knee into twenty pieces. That ought to count for at least a whisker of a seal, don't you think?

Y'all realize that the last time the Sox won the pennant in 1918, we got a worldwide flu epidemic that killed 20 million a few months later, right?

Thanks a lot, Pedro.

At least the Red Sox - Yankee rivalry is now a rivalry. It wasn't until the Red Sox won one. Now they have. Now it's a rivalry. Took long enough.

And it's not that hard to beat Tony LaRussa in a post-season series.

IB Bill -
You should, of course, note that the short roll of modern teams to sweep a World Series includes a LaRussa-run team, the '89 Athletics.

As for the post, inspired lunacy. Which might also prove true...

Ray: Don't forget the chainsaw and shotgun. :)

"THIS is my BOOMSTICK!"

Sold their souls? Nah. It was the eclipse, I tell you, the eclipse. That and Curt Schilling's blood. A red moon and a red sacrifice have appeased the baseball gods.

Speaking of the Red Sox and the Presidential race, Michele, did you see that Curt Schilling threw in a "vote for Bush" this morning on "Good Morning America"? And that he's apparently appearing with W tomorrow at a campaign event in New Hampshire (well, at least as of this afternoon)?

Thanks, Patrick. Always at hand, though.

I must read up on the rituals......

Gabe, not to pick nits, but the Society of Jesus (Jesuits) was founded in 1540.
And the monks of the 5th century were not like Ignatius Loyola or Martin Luther, pre-95 Theses.
These were guys who lived in the desert and settled theological and dogmatic disputes with clubs and knives.