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I Got Your Biases Right Here [Updated. Again.]

I'm in a mood today. It's party the weather, partly an abundance of rude people looking for confrontations and partly some really insipid emails, one of which said "I just discovered your blog and I'm too lazy to go through the archives so can you tell me about yourself because you don't have an about page and I'd like to know what makes you tick, like what you like and don't like and what you think about certain issues because I think people should know upfront your biases and stuff, like I was reading at Instpundit and some other blogs talking about biases." Just like that. No punctuation. Breathe, girl, breathe.

I'm sure I've said this all before, but it's worth repeating. I am under no obligation to be objective in my posts and I have every right to flaunt my biases, loud and clear. That's the difference between blogs and MSM. We don't have to hide behind a fake wall of fairness. The blogosphere is, and should be, a WYSIWYG world. So, in tribute to that thought and in order to give full disclosure to each and every one of you, I will announce every single one of my biases right up front so you can check back to this post every once in a while just to know where I stand and to be sure that you are getting the utmost in biased, non-objective writing that I can give you. You can see right up front where I stand on all issues. I think this will save some of you a lot of time and effort, considering the lot of you who often comment with suggestions on what news I should be presenting and how I should be presenting it, or - my favorite - try to tell me what I should be thinking/doing/eating/reading/writing in order to be a better person (read: like you) or more informed (read: to view the world through the same filter as you). So, I present to you, my biases.

I support George Bush. In fact, I love George so much I want to have his babies. I am a Republican. I am not a Conservative. I like dick. Cheney, that is. I'm not so hot on Rumsfeld. I think he swallowed a land mine once and is going to burp it up at any given moment. I support gay rights, I'm walking a thin line between pro-life and pro-choice. I'm not that much into feminism. I don't read Ann Coulter and I don't listen to Rush Limbaugh. I think John Stewart is funny even when his bias goes completely opposite mine. I think John Kerry looks like he swallowed a swordfish. I hate his wife. I think she's an arrogant bitch, to be blunt about it.

I enjoy capitalism. I like money. I like spending money. You'll never see me diving into dumpsters for food even though I can afford a meal because that is the most ridiculous thing I ever heard of. In fact, I think most of those far leftie ideals are ridiculous. Hey, if you got your food out of a dumpster last night, thank the capitalist who made it possible for that leftover food to appear in the dumpster! I think PETA are mental terrorists. I think anarchists are just societal drop outs who have raised self-centeredness to an art form.

I hate the Mets and most Met fans. I hate the Cowboys, the New York Rangers and all of the NBA, but most especially the Knicks, who are the major reason why I stopped watching pro basketball. I think fighting belongs in hockey and I miss the days of the bench clearing brawls. I hate inter league play in baseball almost as much as I hate the DH. Duke sucks.

I don't care if you think my taste in music sucks. I like loud, obnoxious music with terrifying, offensive lyrics and bass lines that you can feel in your pancreas and drumming that would give your mother seizures. I also like slow, hypnotic music, and a lot of songs that don't have more than four chords throughout. I don't think Metallica sold out, but I think everything from Black on sucked like a Hoover. They've never made a better song than Battery. I love Pantera but hate Phil Anselmo. I think Faith No More is the best band that ever existed and I will fight you to the death on that. I like emo and some pop punk bands and I've been known to sing along to Air Supply songs. I hate country music. I hate rapcore. Limp Bizkit is clearly a plague upon the ears, and that whole genre (see POD, etc.) is a bigger plague than the great 1990's epidemic of boy bands.

I like to read. I will read anything from children's books to forty pound biographies of Robert Moses. I read comic books and graphic novels and frankly, I don't care what you think about that. I do, however, think that Chuck Palahniuk is a hack who wrote one ok book that turned into a pretty good movie and one decent book that will probably turn into a shitty movie. I hate romance novels and I despise books that are laden with so much sap you'll contract diabetes just from reading them. I hate ironic post modernism and authors that take themselves too seriously for their own good. I love the Unfortunate Events books because not only are they good reads, but they teach kids that life can be a real bitch and there's not always going to be a fairy godmother that will come save your ass when someone is looking to give you the beatdown. I believe that kids need to know that so they don't turn into wimps who can't fend for themselves.

I hate what you're doing to your kids, by the way. You've turned them into pussies who whine at the slightest provocation and who freak out when they come upon a minute of their day that isn't scheduled for them. They're also rude, selfish and arrogant. I think my father's friend was right on all those years ago when he wore a shirt that said children should be seen and not heard. Well, it goes for your children, at least. Shut them up, please. You really need to inform them that the world does not owe them a living. Unless, of course, you think it does. Then you're a crappy parent.

I'm sick of multi-culturalism. I don't want to read every single pamphlet, instruction card or traffic sign in ten different languages. I don't want to have to include your holiday traditions in mine. I think my kids should be able to sing about Santa Claus in school, right after they sing about dreidels. I'm tired of trying not to offend you with my own traditions and cultures. You live in America? Then you're an American. When my son had to bring in something from his culture to school, he brought in a baseball mitt. Because he's American. We're about as Italian as the cooks at Olive Garden. And you know, I really don't mind people who want to speak their native tongue while living here, I just don't want them to do it while they are attempting to take my burger order. If you don't speak the language well enough to be understood by the customers, go cook fries or work in the stock room and leave the order taking to people who speak my language. Oh wait, that can't be done because the youth of America some time ago decided that menial retail/fast food jobs were beneath them and now they just sponge off their parents until they decide what it is they want to do with their lives. Or worse, they dive in dumpsters for their meal and feel smugly altruistic about it.

Speaking of food, I'm a carnivore. I love to eat dead animals. I don't care how a chicken died as long as its breast ends up on my dinner plate with some lemon pepper seasoning. I don't care how badly the cow was treated if the end result means steak au poivre for dinner tonight. I'm not going to cry for the penned pigs because I love bacon too much to care. Also, I think fur coats are ugly as sin and a woman weariing one looks like some upstate road kill, but I'm not gonna throw paint at you for wearing it. If it takes a carcass to keep you warm, so be it. Hey, I have lots of leather clothing. Eat the insides, wear the outsides. Good rule to live by.

Empire was better than A New Hope and Jedi mostly sucked. Ewoks ruined everything. I hated Ghost World. Everyone said I was going to love it. I thought it was a piece of pretentious, self-aware crap. 90% of my television viewing, aside from news, is of animated shows. There hasn't been a good prime time show that I revolved my schedule around since Twin Peaks. Ok, maybe Freaks and Geeks. I don't think I've laughed at a live action sitcom show since Barney Miller went off the air. If you laugh at America's Funniest Videos, then we probably don't share the same view of what's funny. Watching a redneck get kicked in the nuts by a snot nosed kid week after week is just not hi-lar-ious. You know what is? A shape shifting glob of meat and his french fried buddy.

I'm an atheist. I really don't want to read your ten page emails on how you're going to save my soul. I don't need anyone else to tell me what to believe or not believe in. You know what I believe? That most people are complete morons. I believe this world is weighted heavily toward the stupid and some day they are just going to take over and then we'll be left with nothing but Jerry Lewis movies to entertain us and caution labels on everything, including our bodies.

I hate rude people. How to tell if you are rude? Do you step into an elevator before the people exiting have gotten a chance to get out? Do you park in handicapped spaces when your are not really permitted to do so? Do you talk over other people or always make the converstation revolve around you? Do you use your cell phone in a movie theater? Do you leave your empty shopping cart right up against someone else's car? Do you not use deodorant even when it's 90 degrees out? Do you use those stupid walkie talkie cell phones in public so that every single person within a 500 foot radius knows that your girlfriend caught a case of crabs from her first cousin? Do you endlessly beep on your horn in front of your boyfriend's house when picking him up, even at 1am? Do you tell people what to blog or how to blog or do you treat someone else's comments section as your own personal forum, replete with tons of links back to your own blog and threadjacking discussions that revolve around you and your opinions? All so very rude. Especially the elevator thing.

Well. That felt good. Honesty really is the best policy, you know. Probably keeps the advertisers away, but they weren't banging down the door, anyhow.

[Added by request]

Pizza toppings are good. Traditional pizza toppings, that is. Pepperoni, mushrooms, onions, peppers - all good. Once you get into pineapple, you lose me. I mean, if you're going to take off the cheese and sauce and top the thing with lettuce, tomato and salad dressing, don't call it a salad pizza. Call it what it is - a side salad with bread. A pizza isn't a pizza unless it's got sauce and cheese on it. Putting salsa, ground beef and sour cream on a pie doesn't make it a taco pizza, it makes it a big ass tostada. Doesn't anyone make real pizza anymore? The kind where the cheese slides down your throat and you have to soak up the extra grease with napkins?

[Added in response to a comment about Stairway to Heaven being the best song ever].

Let me dip into my archives to give you my very biased opinion on that fallacy:

There was a time when I considered Led Zeppelin to be gods. Most people my age went through that phase. We quoted lyrics left and right and debated the meaning behind each song. Plant and Page were geniuses, deep thinkers, philosophers.

Yea, right. What passes for deep thinking to a 14 year old mesmerized by heavy guitars and pounding rythms and Robert Plant's hair turns into foolishness and pretension when you take away the haze of few joints and flights of teenage fancy.

I mean, they were a good band - I loved them once upon a time, and yes I had teenage girl dreams about Robert Plant. But all these years later my passion has diminished as I realize I was being had by the greatest lyrical con-artists in history.

----

If there are any other biases of mine you would like to know about or any other issues you would like to know my feelings on, be they important or ridiculously inane, let me know while I'm in the ranting mood, which may or may not last depending on how much tryptophan is my lunch today or how much of this repressed baseball anger I let go over at Total Fark today. I'll probably end up turning this into the longest About the Author page ever.

TrackBack

Listed below are links to weblogs that reference I Got Your Biases Right Here [Updated. Again.]:

» You're Quite Hostile! from JimSpot
Michele's quite hostile. Probably something to do with THE BIGGEST CHOKE IN THE HISTORY OF BASEBALL.... or not. Either way,... [Read More]

» Sharing biases. from Alarming News
I never realized how much I had in common with Michele Catalano. And, it's not just that I don't think pineapple belongs on pizza. I think the areas she and I diverge are religion (I am not an atheist) and... [Read More]

» I'm all inspired and stuff from the scrawl
Michele over at a small victory has a new post expressing her wonderful ,or horrible depending on where you stand, biases. She detailed for all of us exactly where she stands and why. I've seen many such pieces lately and... [Read More]

» All Praise Michele. And Don't Piss Her Off. from A Bluegrass Blog
I agree with virtually all of Michele's rant about her biases, even if she is a Yankee fan. Not all, but most. Especially the no fruit on pizza part. But really, the key to pizza toppings is ... are they [Read More]

Comments

Michelle, I really hate to be one of those "Whee! U R so awesome!" posters, because "yes"-men are lame...but seriously?

I think I might be in love with you. Just a little.

Are you sure you're not really Denis Leary?

Pizza toppings. You forgot pizza toppings.

I've gotten in the worst fights over pizza toppings.

If she were Denis Leary she'd be stealing other people's blog entries and passing them off as her own.

Don't insult someone by comparing them to that hack. unless you intend to insult them, that is. ;)

And for godsakes WILL YOU KINDLY BRUSH YOUR TEETH BEFORE SPEAKING TO ME!

nice summary. particularly the part about Duke sucks!

it's nice to a fully liberated spirit, I assumed thats what made your blog so popular, I can't imagine the mundane banterings you must receive

This is exactly the kind of stuff that keeps bringing me back.

I think I love you too.

By the way, have you got BattleFront yet and spent an afternoon or two killing Ewoks or Jar Jar? Great fun! Especially on a day like today when I am pissed that the Red Sox fans are gloating and the Yankees turned into the Red Sox.

But is the curse over? I say no. They still have to WIN the World Series, or even this small victory (heh) that they had over the Yankees will all play right into it if they go on to choke against St. Lou or The Stros.

Thanks again for the lovely world as Michele sees it post.

yep. I knew there was a reason I kept hanging around here. Bias is a good thing, anyone who takes pride in their ability to be unbiased is really just saying they're proud to talk without actually saying anything. And that's my goddamn job around here! Alright?

What is your favorite Monty Python film, and Mac or Microsoft?

Uhm. WOW.
That made ME feel liberated!!

You love George Bush and you're an atheist. Makes no sense and yet it does. Love it. Completely opposite of me (world goes round and round).

I'm totally with you on the elevator thing. If one more a$#hole tries to walk into me as I'm getting off with my coffee-I'm throwing it on them. Why does it always have to spill all over my hand? I'm not the one barreling onto the elevator.

Julie

Posts like this are why we all love you, Michele. That love is so strong, I can even overlook an unfathomable trashing of Ghost World. ;-)

IMO, the Denis Leary comparison is a good one, and a well-deserved compliment for both of them.

MikeR,

Yes, I meant it as an obvious compliment. Now all Michele has to do is add "I'm an Asshole" to ASV radio...

wow... you're quite hostile today. Something do do with a loss in game 7? :-)

It was an awesome run-through, though... I thoroughly enjoyed reading EVERYTHING I ALREADY KNEW BECAUSE I CAN (AND DO) BE BOTHERED TO READ ARCHIVES ON A BLOG! Not to mention that I've been reading this blog for three years on just about a daily basis. But you already covered that and I know for a fact this rant wasn't aimed at 'lil ole me!

You forgot underwear! what are your underwear biases?? I don't recall having read that before!

Something tells me this post will be echoed in other posts elsewhere... soon.

Good job, though. The candor is refreshing.

[In pompous, ponderous tone]: Postmodernism really takes irony past the breaking point and thus isn't really the salient characteristic. Irony was really much more of a modernistic thing, and postmodernism critiques modernist irony as much as it critiques any other modernistic trope: Modernism is just too certain, whether in its ironies, in unities, in ambiguities, or in other formalist characteristics, for postmodernists.

[/Bullshit off]

And oh yeah, I got my therapy last night for my Yankee hatred.

That was a great discription of an American soul. WHEW!

Well here's another. Here are some folks we ran into taking a little walk through the park:

http://no-pasaran.blogspot.com/2004/10/operation-rooster-crow-infiltrating.html

I have found a show you might like that is not animated.

Um, if you have not seen it I would suggest watching 'Dead Like Me' on show time. It is in it's second season.

It is about a dead girl. She became a reaper when she died by getting hit with a toilet seat from some burning, infalling space station crap.

Mandy Potemkin is in it. He is the head reaper for our little group.

Thurs or Fri around 7 or 8 CST.

Try it at least once. I bet it is better than you think it may be...

Ah, I do watch Dead Like Me. I usually watch a bunch of episodes at once, thanks to HBO on Demand.

you are my soul mate....

Michele, I love it. Why don't you tell us how you really feel. No, that's enough.
Just want you to know I enjoy your thoughts, and really missed you for the short while you were burned out. I have generational differences with you but I have been around long enough to know that doesn't really matter, neither do some of the other differences, I like to read your blog anyway.

Get with it. See through the overplay and fake hipness and jadedness. The Black Albmum is by far the best Metallica album and one of the best rock albums ever.

And Stairway to Heaven is the best song ever (Metallica or otherwise).

This is why I read your blog first everyday.

I've always wondered if I was rude and now I know that I am not. I never do that annoying-ass elevator thing.
I think you just wrote the best About page ever, Michele and that's why I love you.

why do you hate america michele?

I'm an atheist. I really don't want to read your ten page emails on how you're going to save my soul.

It's OK that you don't believe in Cthulhu, Michele. Cthulhu believes in you.

Well, he believes you're delicious, but he believes in you.

I love ya, but why the negativity to Chucky P. He's a great guy.

this is what I love, this kind of energy, the kind that comes from going in a straight f@#king line into the light,,,,,I think you gave me a blogorgasm Michele!

Under the "Are You Rude" section, you forgot:

*Escalators: don't stand there in the middle of the step talking to your girlfriend, shift over to the side, so working people can get past you, up or down. And don't stop right after you get off, because about a million people are going to slam right into you.

*Revolving doors: please don't stand there forever, as though you're trying to hop into a Double-Dutch jump-rope contest. As you exit, veer off to the right to allow others to enter easily.

Oh, and Yay Red Sox!!!!

So will it be the dark beers or the thin, watery stuff sometimes called beer?

As for toppings, I prefer pizza to have just the crust, sauce and cheese. You can call yourself a traditionalist, but I get to be an originalist. And all the people who don't care what we call ourselves can be anti-Semants.

Awesome of course.

I realize that you have amply covered parenting elsewhere, but since you're on a role and you've done a good job discussing "my" children, maybe you could share a little bit about "your" children?

Also, I second the motion on the underwear choices.

Not all Mets fans are evil. I was a kid in NM (no pro sports) who wanted to root for sports teams. In baseball in 1963 I choose the Mets because they were the only ones that played full contact baseball...well at least amoung themselves. They were HILARIOUS to watch. So I became a fan. Still am, sorta but the BB strikes have turned me off to the game.

Well written, as always. This is why I come here.

What's wrong with cowboys and country music?

What amazes me is, a few short years ago you identified yourself as a "liberal".

Great stuff, Michele.

I fucking LOVE you, Michele.

but you already knew that, right?

Amen, Sister.

Fruit does not belong on pizza.

(Except crushed up in the sauce. If you consider tomatoes "fruit".)

I know "Stairway" is the song everyone loves to hate, but I love that song. Why? My very first dance ever was to that song. I was 16.

It's the memories, not the song.

British Comedy - love it or hate it?

(My guess is hate it, but I really am curious.)

I think Michele should write for [adult swim]. I actually know some of the guys on staff there. The whole 'Republican' thing might get her nixed early on though.

You're pretty close, but if I agreed with all of it then what use would I be?

1) Led Zeppelin: You are SO right
2) At least give credit to The Ramones.
3) Add "People who don't hold doors for others"
4) Pizza with fruit is an abomination.
5) For God's sake add Boston College fans to the list. They need to be euthanized.

That's all fine and dandy, but the real question is: Can you believe it's not butter?

imho, posts like this are the reason so many of us hang around here.

I think I may be in love as well. In that completely normal chick thinking another chick is cool kind of way.

Yeah, yeah, yeah...so...you wanna dance or what?

Fabulous post until you updated it. The last good pizza place (Domino's, for heaven's sake) recently closed here in my little mountain town. I nearly started crying over your description of proper pizza.

Also, GO TEAM VENTURE!

My heart broke when I made a trip to the mall - and I loathe going to the mall - when I had a yen for Sbarro's pizza....and found out it wasn't there anymore.

I was forced to drown my sorrows at Cinnabon. The sugar high was fun while it lasted, but the craving for a slice of pizza as big as a paper plate, thin crust with sauce, cheese, and greasy pepperoni still remains to this day. I'm about ready to drive 40 miles to Sacramento if I have to find another Sbarro's, dammit.

I definitely love you. In a nice blog kind of way.

And if you didn't hate the Cowboys I couldn't say that.

So it's an arm-wrestling kinda thing.

Yes,on the "I hate what you're doing with your kids". I am a mom and I am sick of my overprotective, coddling neighbor's 12 year old BOY tattle-taling when my 10 year old girl gives him a verbal lashing for stealing her candy. Somehow, I'm responsible for my daughter causing him angst for stealing her candy. I am soooo close to telling her:
Let him sprout a pair and suck it up, will 'ya? Or next time he does it, I'm giving her permission to kick his ass!

This is exactly why I read you!

You rock!

You go, girl. Even though I'm a Christian. Tell it like it is!

Which is your favorite?

Batman?

Wolverine?

Hellboy?

In other words, do you prefer DC, Marvel, or indie/smaller publishers (although Dark Horse isn't all that small...)

I know you addressed K-Rock already, but I have a broader version of that topic for you while you're in the ranting mood.
Clear Channel. Go.

like wow!!!
glad someone cant rant their head off like that!!!

oh yes ya gotta love Barney Miller, thought only the kids i grew up with liked it.

mostly though hockey rules and girls who love hockey are the best!!!

Ok, I've been sifting through your stuff at the Command Post for some time now and finaly made it over here. Glad I did. Excellent diatribe of all that is not quite right in the world.

Just read your blogg for the 1st time. I got it off of Smash. I have been reading him a long time.... Now I will add you to my daily read.

You seem great. Love your "things about me"

I am a Yankee Fan, live on LI and I voted for Bush!!!!

Looking foward to all your updates..

Claudia

Like the blog, quite a bit. Not so into the obsequious commenters above. ("I think I might be in love with you. Just a little." Cripes. Doesn't that creep you out, even a little?)

Weighing in merely to oppose your opposition to the DH. As an NL fan, I'm also against the DH--*in principle.* But after the 2004 playoffs I'm forced to admit that it makes for a better game. Not going to get into the philosophy of pitchers hitting, the challenge to managers, etc., etc. Bottom line is just two words: Big Papi.

Having watched Ortiz slice and dice his way through the Yankee rotation and bullpen, I'm forced to admit that if the DH is wrong, I don't want to be right. Let the starting pitchers sit, let the managers relax, watch the homers fly out of the park, and join us on the dark side.

And keep up the good work.

love it!