I don't normally pass on those lenghty, lesson-filled emails I receive on a daily bassis, most of them from my mother or some other naive relative. Usually just delete those things that come with fourteen sets of forwarded addresses, with the admonition to pass it along to Everyone You Know! at the risk of losing life, limb or liberty. But when your boss sends you one of these things and tells you to read it, you read it. And now, I'm passing it on to Everyone I Know! not because I fear the wrath of the spirit of broken chain letters, but just because I really enjoyed it.
I have no idea who wrote it. If anyone knows where it came from orginally, please let me know so I can give proper attribution.
The Speech I'd Like to Hear George Bush Give
My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been
completed. Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this
war, our mission in Iraq is complete.
This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now time to begin the reckoning.
Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short.
The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.
The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the worlds nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.
Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.
The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world
Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.
Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.
In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home.
On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth. Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.
I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.
I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN
diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers, and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York.
A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change. Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep, border security.
So start doing something with your oil. Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty --- starting now. We are tired of the one-way highway. It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens.
Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them be saying, "darn tootin."
Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup Soccer from America.
To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you and we won't forget.
To the nations on List 2, a final thought.. Drop dead.
God bless America. Thank you and good night.
If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are
reading it in English, thank a soldier.
And now, a pre-emptive strike: the first person to not take this for what it is - a piece of tongue in cheek humor (bordering on wishful thinking in some parts) will get smacked upside the head and probably banned from commenting here until after the election is over.