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(forward)(forward)(forward)The Perfect Speech

I don't normally pass on those lenghty, lesson-filled emails I receive on a daily bassis, most of them from my mother or some other naive relative. Usually just delete those things that come with fourteen sets of forwarded addresses, with the admonition to pass it along to Everyone You Know! at the risk of losing life, limb or liberty. But when your boss sends you one of these things and tells you to read it, you read it. And now, I'm passing it on to Everyone I Know! not because I fear the wrath of the spirit of broken chain letters, but just because I really enjoyed it. I have no idea who wrote it. If anyone knows where it came from orginally, please let me know so I can give proper attribution.
The Speech I'd Like to Hear George Bush Give My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been completed. Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete. This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now time to begin the reckoning. Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there. The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the worlds nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening. Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war. The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption. Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France. In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth. Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China. I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis. I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers, and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York. A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change. Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil. Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty --- starting now. We are tired of the one-way highway. It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them be saying, "darn tootin." Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup Soccer from America. To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you and we won't forget. To the nations on List 2, a final thought.. Drop dead. God bless America. Thank you and good night. If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.
And now, a pre-emptive strike: the first person to not take this for what it is - a piece of tongue in cheek humor (bordering on wishful thinking in some parts) will get smacked upside the head and probably banned from commenting here until after the election is over.


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Loverly!Especially love the 'thank a soldier" closing.

Oh - that was awesome. We can dream...

we could bring peace in Iraq by simply renaming the country Happystan! Yes.

Hey you get some cooler forwards then I do...

if I see one more treacly, cheery email embedded with animated kitties, butterflies and strange smilely faces I will not be responsible for my actions.

Good enough for me.

I would hope that Israel gets special "List 1" status, despite not sending troops to Iraq. (I'm sure the IDF provided assistance in ways that we won't hear about for 50 years or so.)

This may not count as understanding that is it tongue-in-cheek - but as I said to my brother when he forwarded this to me a couple of weeks ago, isolationism only works for a little while - say, the amount of time between WWI and WWII.

I'm pretty sure you didn't post that with an ironic wink. It's a pity.

Go on, bomb them. Screw the rest of the world, after all, you're the best anyway. Helping others is not necessary at all, after all, it's their own fault, they'd better have stood up earlier and joined your glorious rise. And what do we care about ecology anyway, when we're dead, our children will have the trouble, not us. Or even better, our children's children, let's not even start thinking about them.

And I know you're not dependant on anybody, oh no, you can fulfill all your energy and oil requirements on your own, and what are international relations and international talks for anyway, they just get in your way, let's just go straight back to the medieval times, let's reintroduce witch-burnings (and let's call the witches "terrorists", and let others torture them so your hands don't get dirty), and unite church and state. The Bible is the truth anyway.

The sad thing is, I don't know with how many of these points you guys actually do agree...

Let's start the bashing, I'm prepared ;-)

Oh, and if I should have gotten you entirely wrong, I apologize. Maybe I was just a little hyped up after my own post here - feel free to tell me how wrong I am over there, too:

Guido wilfully ignores the fine print on the post, writes some ludicrous rant, and then tries to drum up some traffic for his own site. You're a class act, Guido.

Guido, um, so what's your point?

The letter was missing references to the democratic outpost of Israel, the world's "miner's canary".

And if we could somehow get everyone who votes for Kerry to move to Canada or Mexico to challenge them to prove how their policies are so much more prosperous and peaceful, that'd be nice, too. There is ONE America left on the planet and making it more like the EU is not good for civilization. Instead, we need to encourage other nations to become more like us.

Dennis Prager wrote about how proud he was to be a member of two of the most reviled groups: Jews and American.

For you, Michele, add "Yankee fan".

When Matsui, Giambi, A-Rod are gone and replaced with guys more like Paul O'Neill, I may return to the fold.

And I could have told you about Kevin Brown. We had him for a few years here in LA.


man, how come i never get good forwards like that??? or good spam like this: http://www.punditguy.com/2004/10/some-spam-is-good_109778770966806165.html

Paul O'Neill - Damn I miss him. Between him and Mattingly I could never choose who is my favorite of all time...

Oh, and to keep on topic - brilliant social commentary in that there piece ;-)

ummm, so is this speech going to be the october surprise? Truthfully, I wouldn't really mind if that became our policy. I'm not a republican or the worlds greatest fan of Bush, but he would surely redeem a lot with a guy like me if we decided to do that.

Hm. Willfully is wrong, overhasty fits. Didn't see it back then, but I'm pretty sure that was my fault.

I guess I should go meet some ents or something...

Igwana, O'Neal was a hero, but the love's gotta go to Donnie Baseball. He never got a ring.

TC - I could do without the ring if only he could make it into the Hall of Fame. There is no greater injustice in the game if you ask me.

That should be added to the speech - Screw you guys on list 2, and Donnie gets his just dues!

I love it, esp the last two lines

If only!