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Ode to My Neighbors

I hate my neighbors I hate my neighbors I hate my neighbors with their beeping horns and constant shouting and loud girlfriends with screechy Fran Drescher accents. I hate my neighbors I hate my neighbors I hate my neighbors with their basketball banging against the garage at all hours and the car idling in the driveway, blowing suffocating fumes into my window. I hate my neighbors I hate my neighbors I hate my neighbors with their booming voices that echo in my office and the horn, again with the horn, he heard you already. I hate my neighbors I hate my neighbors I hate my neighbors with their friends with cars that are missing mufflers and fenders but have $3,000 sub woofers and, my god, he's blasting Loverboy. I hate my neighbors.


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That's funny - they always speak highly of you.

Invest in the biggest air horn you can find. Use it every time they bother you. Use it even when they try to discuss the use of the air horn with you.

Of course, I am probably not the guy to take advice from, at least not until you are sure that you want to kick off a war of attrition.

Don't hold back, michele. Tell us how you really feel.....

No, No, go deeper and really try to see how you truly feel? Could this be your real feeling about NY manifesting? You know Boston doesn't have these kind of problems. (Or so I have been told)

What do I know I am having a hurricane in a few hours. :)

Please don't tell us that, after all we went through getting you into that house, the suffering, the wailing, the gnashing of teeth, that the neighbors are unbearable.

Funny, isn't it? You go and buy a $500 piece of shit carand you can test drive it about as long as you'd like. Buy a $100k house, and you don't even get an overnighter to slam the doors and kick the tires.

Everybody's workin' for the three-day weekend. Everybody needs a thirty-second chance. Come and take a piece of my spleen. You'd better find out where it's been (pronounced 'bean').


You should kill them for that . . .

Hah. Do your neighbors have a plastic deer on their front porch?

Oh gahd I love chicks with a Fran Drescher accent...

I guess now's probably not the time to mention that none of my neighbors are the least bit obnoxious...

If blasting Loverboy doesn't make a person eligible for the death penalty, nothing does.

So anyway, listen, I've been meaning to ask how the new neighborhood's working out. You get along with the neighbors all right?

So. How are the neighbors?

Yeh, that's sorta funny all right. Problem is the truth leaking out the cracks.

Clueless neightbors? Oh, let me cite the ways.

A neighbor dog frequently outside, accurately named, "Barky".
Windchimes - on any property smaller than 20 acres.
Visitors who stop 30 feet from their door (and yours) to pick someone up - - and blow their horn ,too lazy, and often, too fat to get out of the SUV and go knock on the door.
Teen aged children who attempt to kill even smaller neighborhood children by driving nearby like maniacs on Crystal Meth (which I suppose they actually could be 'on').
They place their garbage for pickup on YOUR driveway, because then their place looks neater.
They buy a huge drum set for their pimply son and turn their garage into a neighborhood boom box.
Their automobiles are "area theater sound systems" at 400 amps and everyone knows this. They're big on 'gansta rap', everyone also knows this.
Their pets run loose, using your lawn and flower beds as crap housing.
They complain that you are destroying American energy independance by driving an SUV.
(same people) They drive three family vehicles, but ostentatiously have 4 bicycles, 'for exercise', a Ski boat, two motorcycles and a ride around lawn mower, gas weedwacker, edger, and a very impressive gas grill (for 24 steaks).
They inquire in person if you are the person who reported their dog running loose to the Dog Catchers. "No, but I can understand the impulse, since after all your dog is an ass-hole".

Now, in NYC the situation may be somewhat different. For instance your neighbor may be Diane Moon. (I fear almost no one will get this reference.)

Sorry. I try to keep them quite, but I don't see whats so wrong with loverboy.

Friggin' Met fans.....


Excuse me while I fall over at your $100K house remark.

In So. Cal, that wouldn't even buy you the garage in the barrio.

It's insane here. (apologies to going OT, Michele, but that hit me between the eyes. Hubby and I cannot move out of So. Cal and are suffering from huge sticker shock as we are looking)

I renew my advice about having the entire extended clan pick up and move, even if it is by Conestoga Wagon, to someplace where 2000 sq ft costs less than a quarter mil, gas is less than 2 bucks a gallon, and there's enough space between the house that even if greasy mc-friend cruises up with no muffler, super bass a blastin, and the car alarm going off, there's still only an outside possibility that you might look up from the book your reading in total peace and quiet, and think 'did I hear something?'

just sayin.

I hear there are entire small towns in Kansas for sale. If all your relatives dumped their real estate at one time, you could probably roll one up, complete, and have enough to start a family trust fund so nobody would have to work again, except to combat boredom.

You may now throw things at me for being a butt.

fear almost no one will get this reference.

Well, almost no one . . . .

Wind rider

I won't throw things at you, but you'll have to excuse my whimpering.

Did I mention how quiet and peaceful it is here in beautiful Minnesota?

You could always retaliate with Night Ranger.

Montana - one of the lowest population densities in the lower 48 states :-)

My lovely neighbor bought a new car and parked it in front of MY house, taking his parking spot out of the middle. I backed up right on his license plate and he called the cops.

I got into a SCREAMING match with the poor officer. Almost got arrested.

Now everybody on the block is terrified of me.

The neighbor doesn't even LOOK at me anymore.

Oh well.

Darlene....it's no better up here in the Bay Area....

So, which do you hate more, Nickelback or Loverboy?

I hate our neighbors' million watt floodlight mounted just under their roof and aimed into our backyard. They never turn it off. So much for stargazing.

I hate our neighbor's weird teenage boys who throw garbage in our front yard, hang out in front of their house, and STARE, zombie-like, at us when we come home. We tried waving and saying 'hi', and got no response whatsoever.

I constantly look forward to the day I can buy 50 acres and build a house.

It could be worse. I mean, your pool's (probably) not filled with elfin blood.

C-I-L-L my neighbors

Sounds like Miss Grumpypants needs a refresher course with Mr. Rogers. Either that or a one-way Greyhound ticket.

Go West, young lady. There's an exotic Shangri-La beckoning beyond the distant occidental reaches of New Jersey: Few Tonys, fewer Tinas, cheap space, and lots and lots of guns.

You are talking to me about bad neighbors. How about antipodean & French idiots who light...wait for it...bonfires outside their ground floor flat.

I got you all beat. My neighbor took his .22 caliber rifle and shot one of our cats through his open window in his back yard. In the Syracuse suburbs.

Nice, eh ?

I also love the people in our neighborhood with the honking horns. My daughter will NEVER, EVER get into a car in my lifetime if the A-hole coming to pick her up tries that stunt.

100 acres and a bass pond. There is nothing like living 30 minutes from a big city (hey its not NYC but Louisville is pretty big (16th I think)) and still living on a farm.

I can get to Cinncinatti in under an hour too.

Neighbors? Do horses count?

Me too =(

Time to get DJ and all his instrument playing friends (all of them...) some Marshall amps with matching cabinets. i figure each kid needs at least 200 watts of tube power and three 4 × 12 cabinets each. Set it up in the garage. Encourage practicing at all hours. Face the cabinets toward the offenders. Find the kid who sings like the guy from Clutch or Killdozer and make sure he has a really huge, like 1800 watts or more, PA system to use.

Do you mean you hate Michele's neighbors too, or you hate your own neighbors, also? If the latter, sounds like a family curse to me. I'd invest in a witch doctor.

Lisa and her husband live in the "daughter" part of our joint mother/daughter home. So she hates OUR neighbors.

But a witch doctor sounds interesting.

I have not heard a sound from my elephantine, furniture-tossing upstairs neighbors since last night. Could they have fled in fear of Hurricane Charley? If so, thanks, God!

Halloween is right around the corner. Start stocking crappy, sugar-free treats now.

"Don't be a good neighbor to her."
-- Frank Booth

If it helps at all, I hate your neighbors too.

Good thing you dont live in Brentwood Michelle, then you would be listening to chickens clucking, salsa music at all hours and the occasional "domestic Disturbance"

That's "C-I-L my neighbors".

Are your neighbor's kids dealing out of their apartment? 49'er flag up out front (Raiders mean their not holding), cars pulling up at all hours, kids getting out, running upstairs, running back out a few minutes later? Oh, and the older brother already in prison for "possession with intent to distribute"? Young chums out on the sidewalk with baseball bats, teeing off on the next-door neighbors' chrystanthemums out of boredom? SFPD can't be bothered to send cruisers by to clean up the place? Threatened with pepper spray by one of their hoochies for asking them to move their p*ss-ant Honda Civic with what sounds like a rubber tube on the exhaust from my driveway so I can park my car?

OTOH, the younger son, who appears to the the ontopaneur in the family, is unfailingly polite, always says "hello", and addresses me as "sir" (ahem).


Pig and an Elephant DNA just won't splice!!!

Hey, maybe if you are real lucky, they will get a pitbull to menace your children and crap in your yard.

Good neighbors are thing of joy, bad neighbors need to fuck off.

At one time all of us have terrible neighbors. Mine was a heroin addicted prostitute who lived upstairs & slept with the landlord in lieu of rent. If you can bring yourself to do it, do the same things back to them. She would wake me at 2-3 am (coming home after the bars closed), so I started blasting my stereo at 8am to wake her ass up. When they figure out that there are consequences to their actions, they start trying to kiss your ass. That's when you have to keep applying the pressure. Don't stop the 'asshole-ness to cancel out asshole-ness' until they actually STOP doing what they do. It doesn't always work, but it does let some of the frustration out :-)

Want revenge?
Go to www.rotteneggs.com and dig around for many good ideas.

A neighbor Haiku:

Every day horns blow anew
Sleazy neighbors hang
Where is my rocket launcher?

good lawd. i feel your pain!

i actually post photos on my website of my bad neighbors pigsty of a yard, and i usually give a full report of their antics when the do something especially disgusting or stupid.

all of my good neighbors read my blog and we laugh about it together. i swear it's the only thing that keeps us all from getting together and burning down their house. heh. :)

Well, remember, you are their neighbors. I wonder, given time, what idiosyncracies of yours they won't like.

It always works that way.

I consider the drunks across the cul-de-sac variety entertainment, especially when they get into a fist fight in the front yard and the time they started having a shouting match outside in the middle of Hurricane Isabel. I just call the cops, sit back and enjoy the action. They don't bother me, as when I bought my new shotgun I opened the package in the front yard to ostensibly put the box in the trash, and then carried the gun casually under my arm as I went inside. Worked like a charm.

Imperial Keeper

My god! I have found kindred spirits!!! As I type my new downstairs asshole neighbors are slamming doors, yelling "WOOHOO!" repeatedly, and listening to their TV as if they were deaf old men. I just pray that they don't wake up my kid (again). There is a special place in hell for these people.

....I really like the airhorn idea....know where I can pick one up?

Check out the new gift book, DEAR NEIGHBOR by Jennifer Miller, Michele Wolff and Linda Marr, just published by Andrews McMeel. It's hilarious! The msg, "Don't get mad, get even!"