my hamster story is better than your hamster story
As Alex Kerry told the poignant story of her dad saving her hamster, I thought to myself, gee, self. It's a good thing you're never going to run for President. Because what would your kids say about you in that situation?
I imagine a reporter saying to them, hey kids! Have any hamster stories to tell us? And they would tell this one (culled from the now defunct Rasing Hell archives)
The kid at the pet store swore that we were buying two male hamsters. So when they began retreating to a corner of the cage and performing nasty deeds with each other, we just shrugged and figured they were gay.
Kobe, the smaller of the two, gave birth this morning. So much for the “two males” theory.
Natalie and DJ were standing by the cage, watching Kobe run around while a tiny mutant looking thing dangled out of his backside. Akuma, the molester hamster, was trying to pull the mutant baby out.
Ok, the babies weren't exactly mutants but have you ever seen a newborn rodent? They look like miniature versions of ET. Anyhow, I grabbed Akuma out of the cage, put him in the attached cage, and took off the tube separating the two. Some maternal rodent instinct kicked in and I was sure that I was doing the proper thing. It just didn't look right for the father to be pulling the baby out with his teeth.
Natalie screamed. "SHE'S EATING THE BABIES! SHE'S EATING THE BABIES!"
Sure enough, Kobe was stuffing the mutants into her mouth like they were treats.
"Maybe she's just storing them in her cheeks so she can take them to the upstairs cubby," I said.
"Right, mom. She's chewing."
DJ was staring intently. "Do you think they taste good? I bet they're really nutritious."
"You want to try one?" I pretend to open the cage up.
"Ewwww mom! Hey, how come there's no blood or anything squirting out when she bites on them?"
"She's eating them whole."
They stare for a few minutes then a look of horror crosses DJ's face.
"Umm..mom? Weren't they from the same litter?
"SHE DID IT WITH HER BROTHER!!!"
DJ and Natalie alternate between making gagging sounds and cracking up. Meanwhile Justin, my husband, is sitting at the computer looking up FAQs on hamsters while he's holding Akuma. I hear him talking to the incestuous rodent.
"You should have thought about this before you started humping her, you know. What did you think was going to happen? Now you get stuck in the little apartment and she wants no part of you. Oh yea, I know, she's partly to blame. She could have said no. But you're going to have to go back in there and take responsibility for your actions."
He's obviously reading one of the FAQs as he's talking to Akuma. "Now, Akuma, you go back in there and umm...lick the babies and eat the placenta. And then umm...clean up your girlfriend, too. And help her out with the babies."
I'm standing there envisioning him giving this talk to DJ some day. Without the placenta eating part. Obviously Justin was thinking the same thing because he turned to me and said "It's never too early to start stocking up on condoms for DJ, you know."You can learn an awful lot from a rodent.
I guess I could count out the PETA vote.