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my hamster story is better than your hamster story

As Alex Kerry told the poignant story of her dad saving her hamster, I thought to myself, gee, self. It's a good thing you're never going to run for President. Because what would your kids say about you in that situation?

I imagine a reporter saying to them, hey kids! Have any hamster stories to tell us? And they would tell this one (culled from the now defunct Rasing Hell archives)

The kid at the pet store swore that we were buying two male hamsters. So when they began retreating to a corner of the cage and performing nasty deeds with each other, we just shrugged and figured they were gay.

Kobe, the smaller of the two, gave birth this morning. So much for the “two males” theory.

Natalie and DJ were standing by the cage, watching Kobe run around while a tiny mutant looking thing dangled out of his backside. Akuma, the molester hamster, was trying to pull the mutant baby out.

Ok, the babies weren't exactly mutants but have you ever seen a newborn rodent? They look like miniature versions of ET. Anyhow, I grabbed Akuma out of the cage, put him in the attached cage, and took off the tube separating the two. Some maternal rodent instinct kicked in and I was sure that I was doing the proper thing. It just didn't look right for the father to be pulling the baby out with his teeth.

Natalie screamed. "SHE'S EATING THE BABIES! SHE'S EATING THE BABIES!"

Sure enough, Kobe was stuffing the mutants into her mouth like they were treats.

"Maybe she's just storing them in her cheeks so she can take them to the upstairs cubby," I said.
"Right, mom. She's chewing."
DJ was staring intently. "Do you think they taste good? I bet they're really nutritious."
"You want to try one?" I pretend to open the cage up.
"Ewwww mom! Hey, how come there's no blood or anything squirting out when she bites on them?"
"She's eating them whole."

They stare for a few minutes then a look of horror crosses DJ's face.

"Umm..mom? Weren't they from the same litter?
"Yea, why?"
"SHE DID IT WITH HER BROTHER!!!"

DJ and Natalie alternate between making gagging sounds and cracking up. Meanwhile Justin, my husband, is sitting at the computer looking up FAQs on hamsters while he's holding Akuma. I hear him talking to the incestuous rodent.

"You should have thought about this before you started humping her, you know. What did you think was going to happen? Now you get stuck in the little apartment and she wants no part of you. Oh yea, I know, she's partly to blame. She could have said no. But you're going to have to go back in there and take responsibility for your actions."

He's obviously reading one of the FAQs as he's talking to Akuma. "Now, Akuma, you go back in there and umm...lick the babies and eat the placenta. And then umm...clean up your girlfriend, too. And help her out with the babies."

I'm standing there envisioning him giving this talk to DJ some day. Without the placenta eating part. Obviously Justin was thinking the same thing because he turned to me and said "It's never too early to start stocking up on condoms for DJ, you know."

You can learn an awful lot from a rodent.

I guess I could count out the PETA vote.

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Comments

On the other hand you have the "Moms who think it would have been better to eat their young" vote completely wrapped up.

We had a hamster story on the train the other day. There was a bomb scare of sorts when an unattended package was found. It was a Starbucks bag. The train was emptied, and the police were brought in. They found a hamster in the bag.

Ok, I could have gone without reading that story ... especially since I'm eating pizza.

Hey Bill, I'll tell ya something: it don't go well with chicken Caesar salad, either!

I like your husband, Michele. My kinda guy.

In college I was responsible for, among other laboratory duties, looking after the four mice that we kept more as pets than for any scientific purpose. Being a new and somewhat fervent convert to the Christian faith, I named them Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.

One day I arrived in the lab and looked in the cage only to find, not four mice, but one. One very bloated and satisfied Matthew. Not a drop of blood to be found anywhere, and no possible way for the others to escape...just little bits of fur here and there.

Nearly wrecked my faith, it did.

But Matthew died within a day or two, presumably from his obscene act of depraved gluttony. Who says there's no God?

We had much the same thing happen with gerbils. We were told that we had Fred and Barney .. problem was that Barney ended up being Lucy. (Not sure why we didn't stay with the Flintstones name theme.) Lucy had babies, the babies had babies, all of them ATE babies, and yet by the end we still ended up with 87 - yes, that's correct, 87 - hamsters. We ended up letting them all go in the forest preserve across the street from us and never purchased another rodent.

Whoops - we had 87 gerbils , not hamsters. It'd be quite a feat to buy two gerbils and end up with 87 hamsters. Got caught up in your story, Michele. :-)

Call me crazy, but this is one of the funniest things I've read all week. And I've been reading a lot of Dave Barry.

ROFL

Oh gawd Michele... it's stories like that, and many I myself have experienced as a mom, that makes me wonder if a mother will ever run for President.

Thanks for the great story.

What is up with the rodent cannibalism, as a semi-serious question? Does this happen in the wild too, or is it some kind of consequence related to keeping them in cages that are too small a habitat and mess with their normal behavior?

You're right, Michele, it's a good thing you aren't running for president. That story would really pee in your campaign's Millenium Falcon, wouldn't it?

i love hamsters!..im about to get another one cause my other hamster died of dehydration she as 1 yr!...i miss her soo much and i fell so guilty...but im geting another this weekend!...loved the story by the way!...R.I.P BIZKIT!:(

actually thats a weird story..lol...i just ACTUALLY READ IT!...lol..u need a life ...U NEED A JOB! or a gurlfriend!..haha:)