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Sandy "Big Pants" Berger calls Greg Brady to the Stand

I just wanted to fall asleep. It had been a trying day and I crawled into bed at 10:30 because I just wanted the day to end. I finally drifted off but a surreal dream about Spiderman fighting Superman over a dinner check forced me to bolt upright in bed. The room was dark. The projection alarm clock beamed the time onto the wall like an ominous warning. 12:00. Midnight. Here come the vampires and werewolves. Good thing I had my silver bullets and garlic handy. But then....I thought I heard a voice. A high-pitched, wailing voice not unlike that of a man having his balls squeezed. I strained to listen as it became clear the voice was singing. My god, was that John Travolta? Saaaandy, Saaaaandy, why-yi-yi-yi-yi.....Oh Sandy.... Yes, my restless night and subsequent nightmares about John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John engaging in a menage a trois with Bill Clinton while Sandy Berger furtively stuck notes from Epstein's mother down his pants are all courtesy of Sandy "Big Pants" Berger. This, folks, is why you should not read the news just before going to bed. I've read a dozen different interpetations thus far about Mr. Berger's absent mindedness (it's ok to read the news in the morning unless, of course, you plan on falling asleep at your desk. Which some people do with regularity). In all the accounts, one thing is left unclear: Did Berger stuff those notes in his pockets or, as most of the stories lead you to believe, did he actually stuff the notes down his pants? Because there's a big difference between the two. And this matters more than the argument over whether Sa-a-a-ndy was Clinton's adviser or is Kerry's adviser. When I was a young juvenile delinquent (made so by peer pressure from my cousins and not of my own doing because nothing was ever, ever my fault, you see) we often hung out a place called PlayWorld. Well, hung around outside is more like it. You know, loitering. PlayWorld was a huge toy store, much like Toys R Us, but without the talking giraffe. And without very good security. My friend Patrick liked to boast that he could steal anything from anywhere and never get caught. So we challenged him to steal a skateboard from PlayWorld. Patrick, true to his word, made his way out of the store with a skateboard stuffed down his pants. He just found the smallest skateboard he could and stuck it down the back of his right pant leg and proceeded to hobble out of the store as if he were a child gimp. Unfortunately for Patrick, his father pulled up just as he was unloading the skateboard from his pant leg. When Patrick tried to explain that he was just "umm...holding it there because umm...I didn't feel like carrying it....", the father smacked him in the head and said: Patrick, you are a liar. And not a very good one. Because no man would put a skateboard down his pants unless he was trying to hide it. Pants are not crime accessories, young man! And then he marched Patrick back into the store and we never saw our skateboard stealing friend again. You do see where I'm headed with this, right? Patrick's father had a point. Who would stuff something down their pants if they weren't attempting to steal that something? That's what pockets are for. So, obviously, the way to get to the bottom of this whole story is to determine whether or not Sandy Berger (ahhhh, there it goes again....Saaaaandy, some daaay....) actually put the notes down his pants or in his pants pocket. That will tell you whether or not the notes were taken with nefarious purposes or not. Then again, I suppose that depends on what your definition of taken is. Do you mean taken as in taken out of the building knowingly and secretively, by the stuffing of the pants, or taken as in taken out of the building accidently after absent mindedly folding up papers real small and putting them in your pockets? Ah, you see the dilemma there. Either way, it looks like Saa-aa-andy pulled a fast one. But fear not, Mr. Berger. I have a way out of this for you. It's called the Greg Brady defense. All you have to do, Sandy, is stand in front of your accusers and say "Those were not my pants. I must have gotten the mixed up with the pants of another person on the commission. Hey, have you checked Ben-Veniste yet? I bet he's wearing my pants! That bastard!" And then have Johnny Cochrane come to your aid with a measuring tape and shout "If the pants don't fit, you must acquit!" If anything, it will distract them. This just in. Pants jokes are out. No, wait. They're in. Anyhow, I'm still having a hard time getting that damn song out of my head and I suppose the more I write about this story, the harder it will be to purge my soul of John Travolta's singing, not to mention his unspeakable acts with Bill and Olivia. I wonder if Saaaaandy took notes on that one? God, I hope not. Also, may I suggest these as a nice Christmas gift for Sandy? Just in case he gets the urge to stuff his pants again. ___ Lots'o'links here.


Listed below are links to weblogs that reference Sandy "Big Pants" Berger calls Greg Brady to the Stand:

» Breaking: Sandy Berger Under Investigation for “Mishandling” Classified Documents from Blogs of War
Someone from the Clinton administration getting busted for putting something in their pants for a change. What a nice change of pace. Unfortunately, some of these documents are still missing. Berger claims to have “accidentally discarded” key, highly c... [Read More]

» Groaner Headline alert from Silent Running
Yeah, even the media is having some fun with this one. Clinton Adviser Probed Over Terror Memos That headline should have a rimshot .mp3 attached...and the author beaten for the images he's invoked. Berger only has one hope, since Bill... [Read More]

» Kerry Adviser Stole Notes & Documents From 9/11 Commission from The Belfry Blogger
Once again the same 9/11 Commission that the Dems hoped to use as a tool to attack the Bush Administration has come back to bite the Demolemmings in the ass. Kerry's chief foreign policy adviser & Clinton NSA Sandy Berger... [Read More]

» Clinton, Kerry Advisor Sandy Berger Pilfered Classified Docs? from Backcountry Conservative
I saw this first at Blogs of War while I was still blogging on the regional news of a hostage standoff. AP via Newsday and via Yahoo News: President Clinton’s national security adviser, Sandy Berger, is the focus of a... [Read More]

» Sandy Berger Pilfered Classified Docs? from Backcountry Conservative
I saw this first at Blogs of War while I was still blogging on the regional news of a hostage standoff. AP via Newsday and via Yahoo News: President Clinton’s national security adviser, Sandy Berger, is the focus of a... [Read More]

» New Clinton Scandal: the Party in Berger's Pants from HOG ON ICE
Like we Need ANOTHER Clinton Scandal When it comes to scandal, the Clinton administration is the gift that keeps on... [Read More]

» Don't Act All Surprised... from Matt Margolis | Blog
I first caught the news from Kevin's post at Blogs For Bush : John Kerry's chief foreign policy adviser, Democratic Committee Platform member and someone seen as short-listed for a Kerry administration secretary of state, Sandy Berger, is being ... [Read More]

» Drop The Pants, Please from Bad State Of Gruntledness
Because, frankly, it doesn't matter if Berger stuffed those papers in his pants, pockets, or socks, or up his ass like a Columbian drug mule. He knowingly took classified materials from a classified area without following procedure. That, as Lt. Smash... [Read More]


Berger should be flogged for no other reason than he's given the media a cheap excuse to recycle the "Clinton Advisor Probed" headlines...with all the horrific imaginary imagery that conjures up...

stupid bastard

"Dear Mista Kott-tare: Please excuse Sandy from the exam today, as he is under Congressional investigation for stuffing copies of classified documents down his pants. Signed, Epstein's muddah."

A point in one of the links bears repeating, because some folks aren't aware of the rules regarding classified docs - not only are you forbidden to remove them, or photocopy them, you can't even write down notes and remove your notes. Handwritten notes themselves become classified.

It's been more than 15 years since I had the the rules explained to me, and I was a low-level nobody. I'm pretty sure Mr. Berger knows them too. If my lawyer suggested there is some "grey area" of interpretation, I would suggest that may helpl me with the reporters, but it won't help me in court.

I work with classified documents regularly. If I did any of the things Berger is accused to doing, not only would I lose my clearance, I'd lose my job. I might even be looking at criminal charges.

Handwritten notes based on classified documents are considered classified until they have been reviewed to ensure no sensitive information. Every paragraph in a classified document has markings to indicate whether it is classified or not. If your handwritten notes are shown to be based solely on the unclassified paragraphs, then the notes can be declared unclassified.

Berger was supposedly a professional with years of experience working with classified material. He had to know better. The reported fact that the missing documents were critical of the Clinton Administration makes it appear all the more suspicious.

I love the way he phrased the sentence, "I deeply regret the sloppiness involved, but I had no intention of withholding documents from the commission, and to the contrary, to my knowledge, every document requested by the commission from the Clinton administration was produced," Berger said in a statement to the AP.

What about the documents they didn't specifically request but might have shed light on the investigation?

Can't wait to see the left's spin on this one.....

I could barely concentrate on this. I have the PlayWorld jingle reverberating around my brain right now. Thanks a lot Michele! =D

"PlayWorld a world of toys, great for girls and great for boys ..."

No extra large pants would be complete without the world's largest pair of tighty whiteys.

You think your dream was weird? Sandy Berger as the cowardly lion was in mine!

What makes the hottentot so hot?
What puts the ape in apricot?
What do they got that I ain't got?

The great men of our time have all worn pants. Roosevelt, Churchill, de Gaulle, Ghandi -- well, almost all of them.

Dolphins. One of the smartest mammals on Earth. Do they wear pants? No, but they wish they did. That's how smart they are!

Pants-related update: there seems to be clarification that they didn't just mean "pockets" - from the FoxNews article:

"Berger and his lawyer said Monday night he knowingly removed the handwritten notes by placing them in his jacket, pants and socks, and also inadvertently took copies of actual classified documents in a leather portfolio."

Also, doesn't the stuffing of documents in your pants and socks sorta tend to take away from the credibility of the "inadvertent" asserion re: the classified documents?

Where are the conspiracy moonbats now? Hmmm...

I so remember Playworld! That smiling reg globe guy with the blue baseball hat.

I'm pitching the name Hot Pants Scandal. What do you think?

BTW, I've got a running report on what the bloggers are saying at my site.