the pyramid is passe
The food pyramid has outlived its usefulness and the Department of Agriculture is looking to give it an extreme makeover.
I took care of it for them. Knowing that many people were offended by the image of the pyramid to begin with (it made some think of Egyptian slavery) and knowing that the pyramid has taken an image beating since the Pyramid schemes of the 80's, I did away with that shape all together and came up with a more appropriate form for my nutritional suggestions.
I present to you, The Food Pentagram.
[click for bigger]
If we're going to kill ourselves with obesity, we may as well enjoy the ride.
Brought to you by Satan's Minions, Souls of Gluttony Division.
Comments
Isn't the pentagram upside down, so that it looks like the two points of the star are horns?
Posted by: bryan | July 13, 2004 02:23 PM
Guinness is too good to be on the Food Pentagram. Replace it with Pabst, Milwaukee's Best, or Lone Star for a true taste of what Satan's Minions hold for us.
Posted by: jon | July 13, 2004 02:24 PM
PBR Represent! Wooooo!
I am so thirsty right now...
Posted by: Zoloft | July 13, 2004 02:32 PM
Ya got yer grease, yer salt, yer beer - all the major food groups!
Posted by: Ray | July 13, 2004 02:39 PM
bryan: I'm no expert on the occult, but I think that's a misconception. Others correct me if I'm wrong, but I think a pentagram (or pentacle) is any 5-pointed star, not necessarily used in the occult. Occult uses aren't limited to the "upside-down", goat-lookin' version, either, though that's what you always see in the movies and on TV. Ah, Hollywood.
Posted by: insomni | July 13, 2004 02:50 PM
Sweet. ColdStone Creamery is already a staple in my diet. Gumint sanction makes it so much better.
Posted by: abysmal | July 13, 2004 02:51 PM
All hail the McDonald's Big Breakfast!
Posted by: Justin | July 13, 2004 03:08 PM
Ohhhh.. you were so close. The Cap'n Crunch should have been a 12oz Porterhouse steak. Please play again.
Posted by: cole | July 13, 2004 03:08 PM
Bleh, stout. I'll just "eat" poorly and drink something light and bitter.
So there. (Hops, like salt, coffee, and porkfat, is its own foodgroup, I think.)
Posted by: Sigivald | July 13, 2004 03:22 PM
Easy Cheese. Wonderful...now I have a craving.
Posted by: sheila | July 13, 2004 03:30 PM
What? No real chocolate on the pentagram? No, made with real butter & cream & cane sugar See's Dark Chocolates??
Oh...right, you don't get See's out there on the east coast... never mind
[evil cackling and rubbing of hands]
mine....all mine..... bwahahahah
Posted by: Darleen | July 13, 2004 03:49 PM
I know some people who have managed to live to a fine old age on Guiness alone (well, with a little bit of soda bread and whisky thrown in).
Posted by: mary | July 13, 2004 04:18 PM
I think that C. Everett Koop will be buried under a gigantic Food Pyramid when he meets his maker.
I mean, he looks an awful lot like Victor Buono/King Tut from the Batman TV series.
Posted by: Laurence Simon | July 13, 2004 04:21 PM
Do they still make Dunkin' Donuts white chocolate raspberry scones? I love them, but I haven't seen them around me in the last year or so.
Posted by: Mad Anthony | July 13, 2004 04:23 PM
I thought it was a pizza until I looked closer.
Actually, a pizza logo would make sense.
Pentagram's bound to get someone riled up.
Posted by: Sandy P | July 13, 2004 05:05 PM
Excellent.
For accuracy, how about a Food Sphinx, which dispenses only impenetrable riddles and offers no useful guidance?
Posted by: Crank | July 13, 2004 05:36 PM
Cap'n Crunch mixed with Fruity Pebbles...?!
I think I'm going to cry...
Posted by: RMc | July 13, 2004 05:37 PM
LMAO. When we used to have four basic food groups, I noted that an Irish Coffee had all of them: alcohol, fat, sugar, and caffeine.
Posted by: The Commissar | July 13, 2004 05:40 PM
wait...i only get 3 guinesses a day?
Posted by: francisthegreat | July 13, 2004 05:42 PM
Unfortunately, the star's points break the protective circle's boundaries and so render the pentagram's protection invalid.
Whether this means certain heart attack or the need for several cases of Guinness as a back up when conjuring outer-planar creatures will depend on the habits of the reader.
Posted by: Joe Katzman | July 13, 2004 05:48 PM
Use the pentagram in conjunction with this cookbook.
Posted by: Ken Summers | July 13, 2004 06:46 PM
you can trust your heart,
to the food within the star
the big, bad, cholesterol staaaaar!
Posted by: Dave in Texas | July 13, 2004 08:48 PM
Can we get this diagram on a poster??
Posted by: Michelle | July 14, 2004 12:29 AM
Let us not forget the amazing "Color Wheel of Junk Food"...
Posted by: Toren | July 14, 2004 04:01 AM
Not to be preachy about this, but, um, until the gov't recognizes this as the proper pyramid, it's just another conspiracy to me. ;)
Posted by: Faith | July 14, 2004 11:58 AM
You forgot the Butterfinger Group.
Posted by: Dacotti | July 14, 2004 01:29 PM
Or you could get Steve H's (HogOnIce/LittleTinyLies) book Eat What You Want And Die Like A Man.
Funnier, too. Front cover art by Chris Muir of Day By Day.
Title link goes to the BlogCritics review. Amazon gives it 5 stars.
Posted by: Aaron's Rantblog | July 15, 2004 12:23 AM
Umm...you forgot marshmallow fluff and ramen noodles. I for one survived undergrad on these overlooked delicacies. They need to be added after consuming the 3(yeah..,only 3??!) Guinness.
Posted by: Caroline | July 15, 2004 01:57 PM