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hormonally challenged

Sometimes I sit down to write something and then remember I already wrote it. A few years ago. Which makes my morning easier, as I can just copy and paste and change a few words or numbers here and there. Different year, same damn problems. Dear Hormones: This letter is to inform you that you have ten (10) days from the date of this notice to pack up your belongings and get out of my body. A warrant of eviction has been served and unless you can show just cause as to why you should be allowed to remain, you may commence with the leaving. I have put up with your nonense for way too long. The way you control my emotions is no longer going to be tolerated. I will no longer allow you to cause me to cry over Kleenex commercials or weep like a baby when someone makes an offhand comment about the way my hair looks today. One minute, you want me to be full of simmering anger. The next minute, you expect me to turn around and hug everyone in sight. I just can't keep up anymore. It's not just my emotions. It's my entire life. It is your fault I spent two hours at work yesterday organizing my desk drawer. It is your fault I put my canned goods in alphabetical order. It is your fault that I watched an episode of 7th Heaven. Let's talk physical factors, ok? I'm 3941 years old. I do not need to have zits appearing on my face monthly. I certainly do not need water retention. My hair? My god, what have you done to my hair? Every 28 days it turns into a rat's nest of horror. And the food. Do you not have any sense of decency or fair play? Must you further contribute to my already deflating ego by inflicting a constant desire for chocolate upon my senses? Salt, ice cream, cake, candy....can't you have me crave grapefruit instead? It's just gotten to the point where I feel you have outlived your usefulness. I can't take it anymore. We had some great moments together (remember that time I listened to that Stabbing Westward song on repeat for 2 straight days?), but it's run it's course. You have become a burden and a major source of annoyance. So if you would kindly take your things and go, we can part ways with a certain sense of comradery. If you stay any longer, I will be forced to take drastic measure to rid myself of you. Thank you for your service the past 3941 years. Your certificate of appreciation is in the mail. Obviously, I never followed through on my threat the last time, because I'm still having the same problems. I'm putting in orders right now that I come back in my next life as a guy. Or one of those animals with no reproductive organs.


Enjoy them while you may, gal.

Can this happen to guys? I ask this because Dirty Dancing made me cry when I was alone in a hotel room once.

What Sissy said. I'm already menopausal at 39 (chemo'll do that to ya, and yeah, I know: TMI), and hot flashes, etc., are no more fun than zits and mood swings, believe me. :P

I think some men have a different set of hormone issues.

Hiding the scissors. But I forgot to get rid of the baseball bats and lighter fluid. Damn!

My gawd, 3941 years old.

The things you must have seen...

The wisdom you have surely gained.

Truely, if you, who must have seen so much are freaked out by pantless ducks.....then we whoes lives are mere speks on the tapestry of your life, must agree that ducks with no pants are just plain freaky.

Apparently, Ken's screen does not show strikeouts.

Now I want a grapefruit

Dear Ms. Catalano:

We are in receipt of your eviction notice of 6/17/04 and wish to say that we certainly sympathize with your desire to rid yourself of the troublesome side effects of our presence. However, we feel it incumbent upon us to inform you that such an eviction of our persons would not be in your best interests.

The sudden abandonment of our offices, and the resulting elimination of essential duties that this would entail, would result in severe and catastrophic effects to numerous internal systems...not just reproductive functions, but liver, digestive, neuromuscular, and metabolic systems would all be affected. We submit as evidence the observation that Mssrs. Estrogen and Progesterone, with whom you have long been acquainted, will shortly be curtailing their activities for the Department of Reproduction and Prenatal Development, possibly resulting in significant discomfort for yourself. In the event that this occurs, it may be necessary for you to find suitable replacements.

In conclusion, we feel that we have demonstrated just cause for remaining in our present position. You may wish to appeal this decision to a Higher Authority, but we are confident that our case is sound.

Very sincerely yours,

Ray Gene Hormones
Director, Catalano Endocrine Systems, Inc.

Dear Hormones,

I believe that Mssrs. Estrogen and Progesterone have already begun their required duties, albeit a bit early.

I think I am entitled to compensation for having to undergo such a strenuous, disruptive transformation at this age.

Michele, I did some research when my perimenopausal hormones started messing with me, and I found some relief via the following:
1000mg evening primrose oil daily (in capsules)
ditto omega-3 fish oil and/or flax oil
1000-2000mg calcium/magnesium complex daily
400-600mg vitamin E daily
100-300mg vitamin B6
Vitex or chasteberry (the same thing) - it's an herb which moderates female hormone symptoms
Exercise! Both weight-bearing and aerobic, 4x/week. (You are clearly getting this with your home remodeling!)

There's other stuff too. There's a good book called "The Pause." It's 10 years old but most of the info is still accurate.

Don;t freak out because I am recommending advice on menopause - much of it applies to PMS symptoms, and you'll have to face the perimenopausal symptoms soon enough anyway.

I'm early menopause, it's hereditary.

But I found at the end that if I avoided meat and liquor, ate fruits and veggies, I felt better.

I'll pass it on to my daughter when it's time.

I'm on HRT. Happy pills.

Great...now that flippin "Moving Out" song is stuck in my brain and it's all your the hormones fault.

I probably haven't heard it in 15 years, but there it is, looping through my brain.


The song, not my brain, my brain is already long gone, it left when peri-meno smacked me upside the hormones at 37.

You fool! Don't just send them away!

Sell them to Michael Jackson.

I thought the Director of Catalano Endocrine Systems was named Eugene.

I guess I neglected to read the fine print in my contract; apparently, it's entirely acceptable for my hormones to take an early retirement. I'm looking into pursuing legal action against them, however; their habit of showing up every few months to taunt me with reminders of how well they used to work is, in my opinion, cruel and unusual punishment.

You know....when I consider the anguish experienced by adolescent boys when their hormones begin to rear their heads (for which they are eternally grateful for baggy pants and oversized shirts) - at a time in their lives when they are beset by peach fuzz, zits, and the phenomenon of non-cooperative vocal cords.....I think I'd rather tough out the hot sweats and insomnia any day.

I'm 46. It's still happening. I can't wait to talk to God about this.

Julie, that would be proof enough for me that God is NOT a woman. No woman would prolong that for any reason under the sun.

Could be worse. You could be one of those animals with TWO sets of sex organs, like sea slugs.
You'd be begging for "just PMS" back.