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Al Gore, Spanky the Clown and Cooties

I thought I would dream last night about the new house crumbling down around me, or being lost in a maze at Home Depot. But no. I had to dream* about Al Gore. Probably because as I downed my third celebratory/stress-relief Captain Morgans and Snapple, I collapsed on the couch mumbling, this man was almost our president! In my dream he was wearing a clown suit and and his name was Spanky, but I knew it was Al Gore by the way he was yelling that the cicadas were coming to get us and it was all Bushitler's fault! So there was this clown, trailed by thousands of cicadas wearing Hitler mustaches and they were chasing me through the streets of New York City, which were covered in snow and ice, due to the global warming effects brought on my too many viewings of The Day After Tomorrow. I finally found sanctuary in a bomb shelter, where I was greeted by Cheney, Rumsfeld, Rice and Bush, who had just resigned from their posts and were sitting in this safe haven waiting for the inevitable bombs to fall because it was really a silly thing to make the president and his staff step down during wartime. Oops, here comes another dirty bomb! Can you smell that poisonous gas? Mmmm.... I love the smell of cowardly defeat in the morning! So eventually - I'm talking months here - we leave the bomb shelter and swim through the city, which is now hot as hell and flooded with melted glaciers and we're just lazily swimming away, talking about the good old days when Bush was president, before Kerry sold the Statue of Liberty back to France in exchange for some hair product, before Kerry decided to invite all the world's Imans and Shahs and clerics over for tea, before those same people took advantage of Kerry's appeasing demeanor and started bombarding our cities. In front of Madison Square Garden we meet up with Al Gore himself who is no longer wearing a clown suit, but still quite resembles a clown. He now carries a megaphone and a soapbox around and every so often he stops to address a crowd of young schoolchildren, explaining about the American gulags that exist because of Bush. The children laugh, as children are wont to do when confronted with crazy people. As we stand around watching Al with amusement, this ghost of a guy comes along and says he is the Spirit of What If and he wants to show us, just for shits and giggles, what would have happened if Al Gore was president on 9/11. So we follow this spirit guy to the nearest movie theater, where he projects his vision on a big screen. Comfy theater. Nice, reclining seats and extra big cup holders. Al tags along and sits next between Cheney and myself. I give one look to Cheney and he knows what to do. We exchange cootie shots. There, much better. We never do get to see the movie because Gore freaks out and starts tearing up the theater, like metal fans at the last Guns n Roses concert. Stuffing flies out of the seats, the screen is ripped down and all the while Gore is screaming that Bush is Hitler and George Soros is King. We feel sorry for him at this point and Condi tries to calm him down while Rumsfeld loses all patience and kicks Gore in the balls. Gore cries even louder. Then the damn birds woke me up. I would really like to know how the movie played out. Maybe one of you can finish it for me? _____________ I am off to a celebratory lunch that will consist of giant Bloody Mary's and little else. I will then make my way to the new house to clean it up a bit and then I head to the Little League field for the exciting finale of the 2004 regular season. So, until tonight.
*Unlike all of my other long-winded, heavy-plotted, convoluted dreams, this one is purely made up. Why? Just felt like entertaining myself today. That's why.


Have you been hanging around with moxie? Sounds less like a dream and more like one of her normal days (minus the hispanic maid)

heheheh, Gore gets kicked in the balls.

Glad you wanted to entertain yourself, because it thoroughly entertained me too. Can you do one with Tipper and the PMRC?

Flash forward a few months later to the day after the election. Picking up the paper you relize that Bush has lost the election. Ironically that tactics that the Right had relied on (Calling Gore crazy and trying to group "Democrat" with "Moonbat" ) had failed and lead to the election of a new Preisident.

Folks I give you President Nader.

Point-by-point rebuttal of Gore's rant:

click here

cute picture to boot.

The dream ends like this: you grab Gore by the throat, then realize and you're enjoying chocking him that a) killing is fun and b) Gore is actually wearing a rubber mask. So you rip the mask off, and it's not Gore at all, but some weird guy from Brooklyn named Brad. And you say, "Jesus Christ! It's Brad the whiny liberal bedwetter!"

And then you laugh so hard you break a blood vessel in your neck.

Aw, Michelle I cannot find your email address. I wanted to draw your attention to this story; http://www.thedenverchannel.com/news/3348196/detail.html

I know you have had trouble with bullies in your kid's school so I thought you might be interested in this.

Once again the bullies get no punishment and the victim is sent home for the rest of year because she was foolish enough to complain to the principal.

How can we take our schools back? When will they punish bullies instead of the victims?

This is really just too unreal.

Good god--what flavor of Snapple goes with Captain Morgan?!? Apparently, not the one you drank last night.

Okay. Here's the alternate universe 9/11.

Gore is president and interrupts a very important speech at the local IHOP.

First. He tells the world that America has struggled for the last 8 years to turn the other cheek.

Next, the administration tries to say it was an coincidence. They say that the planes malfunctioned and the airlines are absolutely to blame.

He then proposes a bill raising taxes on those earning over $200,000 airline miles per year.
However, as the reports of the airline passenger phone calls trickle out, the press smells a story and runs a new headline.
VRWC? Florida Payback?
That's doesn't work. When the hijackers are identified as having given speeches at the Democratic National Convention Algore sees that the Democrats will indeed get blamed.

He immediately blames Al Queda and goes on the European Public Apology tour. While Americans are screaming for blood, he urges everybody to consider just how this might be our fault. We then pass a gas tax as an act of self flagellation. We also pass taxes to create a series of Madrassas here in the US for those international students who wish to be given a chance for the american dream.

I could go on about all he would have done. The bottom line is that Liberals have a difficult time with the idea of responsibility. Rights, hell yes. The right for everything from drive thru abortion to gay marriage. But somebody being held accountable for these acts of evil? Only if they were American.

I'm with Mel - I can't imagine any Snapple flavor that works with The Captain. Please enlighten ;-)

I hate clowns.

spd rdr -
Who does?... And I'm serious with this question, I'd like to know what kind of adults (and most kids) likes clowns.

Michele -
I've had dreaded for some time that you'd eventually channel Frank J. in your dreams... Alas, my fear has now come to fruition.

Be afraid, blogosphere, be very afraid.

Have you learned nothing from Micah Wright, Jayson Blair, et al. You neve admit that you made the dream up until after you're caught. Sheesh.

Checked my copy of Freud's The Interpretation of Dreams. Nothing about the significance of Al Gore. Maybe that means that he's insignificant. Or maybe I should check the index under "w" for weasel.

Well, we can all thank Spanky for re-invogorating "musn't sleep or clowns will eat me"

Oh no, Al, you've been clowned.

"Giant Bloody Mary"

OK...who do you want me to whack?

bloody marys, with olives?


ok, not on topic but you usually cut me some slack. eldest daughter graduates high school on Saturday. She told me something today that I thought was like, neato.

Because we are close to Fort Hood, and the 1st Cav is now deployed (and the 4th ID just came home, ask me about the gig we played for the 1/27),

they are going to broadcast the ceremony to 1st Cav units, and put it on the web.

Is that cool or what?

All the Killeen high schools (right there next to Ft. Hood) are doing the same thing.

I have no idea who is working this out and making it happen. But I will find out. And thank them.


Michelle, honey, I thought you were going to stop doing political posts because YOU were dangerously deranged, not the very capable Mr. Gore.

The pot just loooves to call the kettle black. Especially in her unbalanced, murderous dreams...I love how cuddly your subconscious portrays CheneyCo. You are in never never world, oh-so-much more than Jacko could ever wish to be.

P.S. AND I suspect that your ass is fat. Suburban Fat. (it's hurtful because it's true, no?).

one liberal---one bullet!