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one cicada, two cicada, three cicada, FIRE!

_40171173_cic_ap_203.jpeI'm waiting for these fuckers. That's when I'll be able to finally vent all of my anger and frustration. See, I remember the last cicada blast. No, wait, not the last one. I was 24 for that crop and I don't really remember much about 24. At least not about cicadas. But I do remember one summer when I was a wee child (obstensibly I would have been seven at the time, but maybe this was when I was 24 and was just hungover enough to think I was seven?). Anyhow, the cicadas came. They were loud, annoying and crunchy. Yes, crunchy. Everywhere you stepped, the cicadas crunched underfoot. We couldn't go barefoot that summer. We couldn't even eat outside. These things would just randomly drop dead and fall out of trees. So we spent a few weeks crushing and dissecting cicadas. If my memory serves me well, they had a yellowish, lumpy inside. For some reason, that's a childhood image that has stuck with me for all these years. Stomping on a bug and watching the yellow fluid that looked kind of like pastina run out of the dead insect. One less noisemaker! One less thing to step on! And then I dreamed for nights on end about the living cicadas taking revenge on me. They were giant sized and hard shelled and unkillable. And they ate me. Night after night, they would chomp off bits and pieces of me. First night, they took my hands. The next night I entered the dream as a handless child and then they ate my arms. And so on and so on. Until it all turned out to be one huge dream, where there were dreams within dreams all of w hich resulted in my ending up with nothing but a head, just my little, seven year old head sitting there on the blanket outside, the cicadas approaching and they were all singing something like "we're coming to get you for killing our king" and all I could do was blink and try like hell to wake myself up. My kingdom for a blowtorch. And some arms. So now the bastards are back. I haven't seen nor heard them yet, but I hear we are about ten seconds away from the army of cicadas emerging from the ground, when they will form armies and burn and pillage our villages, rape our women, kidnap our children and destroy our crops. I am ready for them. And don't you PETA people or insect activists give me any shit about this either. These cicadas have been haunting my nightmares for 24 years now. I will not be able to rest until I kill as many as possible. Right now I am armed with a gallon of gasoline and few matches, but I'm thinking a Howitzer wouldn't be too much overkill. Would it?

Posted by me on May 20, 2004 02:07 PM |

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» http://www.necheshideaway.com/mt/cleardatum/archives/000079.html from Clearing Datum
They are known to me as locusts. Not the locusts of biblical times that wreaked havoc upon Egypt, but the locusts that gave me intense pleasure as a child. These recently molted shells provided for me an advanced infantry for... [Read More]

Tracked on May 20, 2004 03:29 PM

» http://www.necheshideaway.com/mt/cleardatum/archives/000079.html from Clearing Datum
They are known to me as locusts. Not the locusts of biblical times that wreaked havoc upon Egypt, but the locusts that gave me intense pleasure as a child. These recently molted shells provided for me an advanced infantry for... [Read More]

Tracked on May 20, 2004 03:29 PM

» More bugs! from One Fine Jay
Michele has a post on the upcoming cicada swarm: They were loud, annoying and crunchy. Yes, crunchy. Everywhere you stepped, the cicadas crunched underfoot. We couldn't go barefoot that summer. We couldn't even eat outside. These things would ... [Read More]

Tracked on May 20, 2004 09:03 PM

Comments

Flamethrowers - much more effective against insects.

Posted by: Headzero | May 20, 2004 03:00 PM

I can remember, as a child, setting up mock military maneuvers with recently molted cicada shells against my army men, complete with black cat and M-80 firecracker artillery. While my army men sustained various injuries, (none left the field to pursue a career in politics after receiving their third purple heart) they always stood their ground and took the battle to the invading cicadas. At times, the battle was very close, but the cicadas could not withstand the fury and intensity of the American plastic army men. Oh yeah, polyeurethane plastic makes a very good simulated napalm that cicadas cannot withstand.

Posted by: deltabravo | May 20, 2004 03:09 PM

My girlfriend in Marlyand just told me that they are everywhere down there! Last weekend was her brothers graduation and she said you could barely hear over the cicada noise!

Posted by: Bon | May 20, 2004 03:19 PM

http://www.cicadaville.com/

Protect the children!

Posted by: Dario | May 20, 2004 03:22 PM

yes... kill them all and let the Orkin man sort them out!

Posted by: Cam | May 20, 2004 03:26 PM

So, what are the odds that some enviroschmuck will see all the cicada corpses and try to get them list as an Endangered Species™?

I'm guessing the odds aren't long.

Posted by: Ken Summers | May 20, 2004 03:31 PM

Dear God in heaven, how I hate those things.

And June bugs. June bugs which fly directly into my hair just for the sheer malicious pleasure of watching me freak the fuck out.

Summer isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Posted by: ilyka | May 20, 2004 03:33 PM

Hook one of these up to the car battery and go all McEnroe on them.

Posted by: Joe | May 20, 2004 03:33 PM

I'm revolted now, but I've got to admit I used to love squishing 'em as a kid.
Squish Crack Squish Crack Squish Crack Giggle.

Posted by: spd rdr | May 20, 2004 03:46 PM

2.5 gallon propane tank, with backpack straps.

Long propane hose.

Brush burner head.

whoosh!!

Posted by: Sigivald | May 20, 2004 03:55 PM

Just don't eat too many please?

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=816&e=5&u=/ap/20040517/ap_on_re_us/cicada_sickness

Posted by: Mel | May 20, 2004 04:00 PM

"insect activist" ha! The scary thing is I bet there is such a thing.

Posted by: Lisa | May 20, 2004 04:07 PM

Not over done at all I think LOL. And don't forget Japanese beetles, the nasty little fuckers that eat my roses every spring.

Posted by: tracey | May 20, 2004 04:08 PM

I remember when I lived down south as a kid, the trees would be caked with thousands of cicada shells that they shed. Unfortunately, they do NOT taste like chicken. Hey, I was an inquisitive child ... and you don't know until you try. Very crunchy ... could have potential as a topping.

Posted by: Midgard | May 20, 2004 04:18 PM

"There is no such thing as overkill. There is only 'Open Fire!' and 'Reload!'"

Posted by: Cadrys | May 20, 2004 04:19 PM

Anybody know if the 17-year thing always applies? This is 2004, which means they would have appeared in 1987 and 1970, but I can vividly remember them in Northeastern New Jersey sometime around 1963/1964.

Posted by: Brainster | May 20, 2004 05:07 PM

That 17 year thing is confusing. They were here in 1996 because my son was 3 then and fascinated by them. We had to gather their shells at my dad's house and put them in jars. Ick!

Posted by: Lisa | May 20, 2004 05:42 PM

Cicadas, or locusts, as they're known colloquially down here, are a supremely suitable target for a Daisy BB gun.

And cats'll eat them, as will barnyard fowl and pigs.

and (I'm telling my age now...) you cna tie a thread on one and use it as a toy airplane...

Posted by: mostly cajun | May 20, 2004 06:26 PM

Found this in a Cicada cookbook. This is either really good or really gross, I haven't decided.

Chocolate Covered Cicadas My favorite: very simple, very tasty!

Ingredients: 8 squares of good-quality dark, white, or milk chocolate
30 dry roasted cicadas
Directions:
1. Roast teneral cicadas for 15 minutes at 225F. 2. Meanwhile, melt chocolate in a double-boiler over low heat. Dip insects in chocolate, place on wax paper and refrigerate until hardened.

Yield: 30 cicadas

http://www.urhome.umd.edu/newsdesk/pdf/cicada%20recipes.PDF

Posted by: Thief | May 20, 2004 06:32 PM

[Nelson voice] HA HA! [/nv]

(Sittin' pretty above the cicada line.)

Posted by: Farmer Joe | May 20, 2004 06:53 PM

You could go for the gasoline and matches, but really, do you want to miss that satisfying crunch?
They're all over Cincinnati and personally, that awesome crunching sound is my favorite part.

Posted by: Annastazia | May 20, 2004 07:04 PM

Crunch those locusts to your heart's content. Something tells me they're in no danger of extinction - they're the insect-world version of Klingons!

Posted by: MikeR | May 20, 2004 07:12 PM

i've never seen one, and i hope i never do. That picture is scary, like a science fiction space creature.

Posted by: annika | May 20, 2004 07:23 PM

Different broods mean the cicadas emerge over many different years. Brood 'X', which is emerging now, is the largest. Go to the following link and scroll down some for information on the different broods:

http://insects.ummz.lsa.umich.edu/fauna/michigan_cicadas/Periodical/Index.html

Posted by: Yeff | May 20, 2004 08:25 PM

Jebus. And I thought our Dodge-Caravan-sized roaches here in Florida were ugly. That thing's fugly.

Posted by: Andrea Harris | May 20, 2004 08:55 PM

My friends have been describing the cicada noise as "sounds like a phaser on overload". Me, it reminds me of the heat rays on the Martian ships in the George Pal "War of the Worlds".

And it gets just a little louder every day.

shiver

Posted by: hanov3r | May 21, 2004 12:47 AM

hanov3r, A phaser on overload. Damn, that's exactly right.

Posted by: Bryan C | May 21, 2004 01:01 PM