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fragmented thought of the day

I really wish I knew in advance how heartbreaking it can be to be the mother of a teenage daughter. Not that I could have done anything about it, short of selling her off on 20/20, but...still. I would like to have been more prepared for the radical (ableit temporary) attitude and personality changes in a 14 year old girl. Fragmented, because I'm going to write more about this subject tomorrow morning. I just like to throw these things out here once in while to give anyone who wants the opportunity to say to me "Don't worry, it gets better." I promise to believe you.

Comments

How much for the leetle girl?

You women, we want to buy your women.

Let's see: That's about the age I went bad, and I think I started behaving better around 17 or 18. I wish I could say it was sooner than that, but I'd be lying.

One thing I can guarantee is that she'll eventually look back and feel terrible about it.

Wish I could say it gets better! It's gonna get a whole lot worse before it gets better. Mine is 19 and it still isn't great. Oh Well. Maybe by 25?

We'd better get props for those Blues Brothers quotes, Chuck.

I kept thinking that the next kid that turned fourteen was going to be different. Ha!
Five down, one to go.

No one on the planet can piss off my wife faster or better than my 18 year old daughter. I like to think she's taken a natural ability, and over time refined it into something really special.

She's going to college in 3 months, so I got that going for me. Which is nice.

Good luck.

This is a very well known and documented phenomenon ... 14 year old females and the agony they inflict on their mother.

Squint, and you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Like everything, this too shall pass.

And, when it does, she'll be your best friend (again).

Hang in there.

Maybe she'll get it out of her system?

I was a perfectly good kid until I hit eighteen. My senior year was a nightmare for my parents...all that rebellion came gushing out at once.
Ilyka's right: she'll look back and feel terrible about it.

I have to think it's better to have the rebellion start early and come in small spurts, rather than in one huge tidal wave.

Eh, it's been coming on for two years now. She's just hitting her stride.

I'm gonna be 54 when my daughter turns 14 (not sure my heart is gonna take it).

Dave, are you telling me that I have to wait until she's off to college before I receive total consiousness?!

Definitely NOT gonna make it... Guess I should beef up my life insurance

Let's see....I hit puberty at 12, and 15 was the age when I started getting obnoxious. I dated this guy my mother didn't like for good reasons(which happened a bit during those years), and I'd get an attitude if I couldn't drive the car that night. Stupid stuff like that.

Going to college 300 miles away helped improve how I got along with my family. And so did getting older. I realize everyone's situation is different, but I hope I've provided a useful perspective.

One word: Hormones. You would think you women would be aware of that already. George only knows, we men have been dealin' with hormonal post-pubescent females for centuries. ;)

When mine was 14 I had visions of ducttape..

When she left for school at 17 I thought I'd be thrilled, instead I cried for 2 days..

At 18 she was calling home daily just to talk.

At 21 she moved back home so I wouldn't be alone for 18 months while my hubs was deployed. She's been a HUGE help.

We built a website for my husbands company, the CO's wife ased her if it was "weird to be working on a project with her mom" She looked at her and said "Nope,we always do things things together"..

It made the hell of 14- 17 all worth it. Hang in there

I neglected to mention that I sincerely hope it gets better, Michele.

Good luck.

JFH, it's hard to say. I have two daughters...the eldest went nuts on us at 12 (right when the chemicals hit her). Our 14 year old girl has been there for 2 years, but it hasn't been as intense.

I grew up with 3 younger sisters, two of which hit teen before I left home. Occasionally it was, what's the word? Exciting. Like walking into a minefield.

Takes lots of grace. They have a tough adjustment to make. Hang in there. Best change in my outlook was to wait 15 seconds before I said what I wanted to, and instead say "what's wrong"?

Led to a lot of good, open discussion.

My mother likes to say that I shortened her life by 5 years during my teens. My little brother did 10!

Now, I am flying home 3000 miles for 3 days just to wish her a happy mother's day.

Keep the faith, "absence makes the heart grow fonder" wasn't written for lovers but for parents and children.

oh, yeah. I know exactly where you're coming from. My almost-13 year old will be the reason I pull out my hair and hit forty bald ;-)

We are voluntarely trying to help our 13 year old nice who is out of control. I feel like we're committing suicide and should just let her be with her mother, but she needs help. I'll be interested in reading what problems you are experiencing, because with this one, I was thinking of contacting the exorcist :-)

you were 14 once! Ask your mom if it got better.

I was the good child. My sisters, they were MONSTERS. I think I got the daughter my mother wished on them.

Ah yes 14...the age my sweet little girl turned into a psycho-hose beast from hell. Here's a little mantra that helped me get through it:

"I can't kill her today. Maybe tomorrow.
I can't kill her today. Maybe tomorrow."

One day at a time, that's how you survive until they become human again.

She's never understood why I love the Katie Kaboom character on Animaniacs. But someday she will.

Rita, I was just thinking of Katie Kaboom today! Yes, that is SO her. I'll have to dig up one of my old Animianics tape that has Katie on it.

Keep the perscription for antidepressants and make her spiked milkshakes every morning.

Seriously there must be some dietary thing or something.

I noticed that on one rare occasion where my sister slept in after finals, she was actually bareable for once, so I figured that lack of sleep was her problem.

Our experience has been different, knock on wood. So far our three kids have been great. For the oldest daughter, a critical point in her life, was when she graduated from junior high school and left all her friends behind to start at an all girl Catholic prep high school. Graduated top in her class and is now finishing her freshman year at Harvard. My main worry now is how she handles all that freedom and lefty commie pinkos. My youngest is 12 and she is a delight, as well as her older brother who is 16. So far no drama. Looking forward to reading about your situation. I've only read your blog a few times, so take this with a grain of salt, maybe your daughter simply takes after you?

Lucky and blessed,

glenmore

It's not just hormones; the brain continues to rewire and crop pathways until early adulthood. It happens at different rates for different people, just like the rest of physical maturation. Your kid will get better but you'll never know when until it happens.

But it will happen. You just have to resist pithing them until it does.

Man we must just be really lucky or something. Our 13 year old is a great kid and the 17 year old is, no shit, perfect. Both very pretty girls, both honor roll etc. I keep wondering if they're going to turn on us but so far so good. They're very active equestrians, maybe that keeps them too busy to implode.

Michele, you know that I'm in the same boat as you are. The way to describe my 14 year old daughter is this:

"When she was good, she was very, very good. But when she was bad, she was awful."

The only saving grace is that I'm not dealing with any of the things depicted in the movie "Thirteen", which I've placed at the top my list of horror flicks.

Has anyone ever known a nice 14-year-old girl, coma victims excepted?

Hey! I was nice! My middle sister went psycho, then settled down, and my youngest sister went bitchy on us at 16.

I'm hoping that my 1-yr-old daughter is getting the jim-jams out of her system now. =fingers-crossed=

I'm worried. I already see signs of behavior like this in my daughter. Every month there are more of those teen attitudes creeping in. The eye roll. The rebellion. She's only 3!

In ten years I'm planning to either lock her (and her younger sister) in the basement until they turn 30 (to prevent dating) or voluntarily commit myself to an institution.

OK, I'm not going to do either of those things, but the thought of the teenage years still scares me. I feel for ya Michele, and I know I'll be there in a decade or so.

My sister got so bad that Mom packed her up and sent her off on a grand tour of the relatives for one summer. Now my other sister is going through it with her daughter. As the others have said, what can't be cured must be endured.

My 14 year old baby girl hates me, and tells me so on a regular basis, thanks to the lies and crap her father and step-mother have been feeding her.

sigh

Hang in there ... my mother says that grandchildren are your reward for not killing your kids while they are teens.

No, that's not Link, that's splat, splat, splat. Looks like geese eating basil have been by. Bring back Link, and then a megaphone and a bit of track for Lenore's car.

Please. I can still whine like a teenage boy if needed. :)

Now, now... just think of what a total angel you were at her age, and take a deep breath. ;)

How soon we forget... I'm grateful that my parents didn't murder me when I was a teen. It would have been justifiable homicide (though I wouldn't have said that then).

She'll be ok. And your hair will grow back after you tear it all out, I promise!

I don't have kids but I remember my own self and of course I was a perfect angel of goodness.

I was. Really! Hey, I wouldn't lie to you-- Why are you looking at me like that?!? I'm not a liar! You don't trust me--you treat me like a child! I hate you! (Flees sobbing to bedroom, runs inside, slams door.)

My wife's goddaughter was threatened with being sent up here... "Your mommy Linda's husband works at a Catholic school. Shape up or it's uniforms in the cold of New York for you, little missy!"

Now that she's a gorgeous nineteen year old blonde Texas coed, there's no more talk of sending her up here, for some reason... Curious, that...

I'd suggest we trade daughters, but I don't think there'd be much difference. Weren't we just talking about them spending too much time on Neopets? sigh Those were the days...

I have not fulfilled my obligations to you Michele. My apology.

You will be fine. It will be ok. You will survive.

That's no BS. We didn't kill ours. It wasn't for a lack of interest.

And if it's any consolation, boys hit their stride around 13 on upwards, and are much easier to deal with....at least that was my experience with my sons. They were hell on wheels from the ages of 2 - 12; just the opposite of my daughter.

We will survive to laugh about this someday...right? Right???

Somebody once told me this: Adolescence is God's way of making you happy- nay, ecstatic- to pay tuition for a private college. $35k/year, no matter how hard you scrounge and save, beg, borrow or steal, begins to seem a bargain. I know MY mother thought so...

As for things getting easier, I usually reserve that comment for the kids. It isn't easy for them, either, not from what I remember.

Another quote:

We spend 2 years trying to get them to walk and talk, and spend another 20 trying to get them to sit down and shut up.

Wish I could remember who said it first!

I work with teenagers for a living. I have to keep a watchful eye on my sanity all the time.

Yes, it does end. When may be a matter of interpretation. I had 3 girls (which is one big reason my hair is over 60-70% gray at 50).

My oldest never gave me a minute's trouble. My middle, however, was the Spawn of Satan™. She started at 11 and continued until about 24. She only woke up when she had a 2 pound 15-week premature infant and had to watch him struggle for life (he's almost 3 now, and a joy). She still has her moments at 28, but she's her husband's problem now (I sincerely hope). My youngest was almost no trouble, except for her inability to grasp the concept of "birth control." She had her first at 15 (gave it up for adoption), and again at 17, 20, and 24. Thank heavens she finally saw the light and got herself fixed. Sheesh.

You will make it. Battered, scarred and bruised, but you will make it. And we'll be there to help you along the way.

Elizabeth
Imperial Keeper

Something that I think helped in our house was that what we watched on TV was controlled. There were shows we could watch and others we couldn't. If the kids sassed the parents ("Family Ties"), and were allowed to get away with it, then we simply weren't allowed to watch the show.

So we didn't get the idea that this was normal or accepted behavior and neither of us had nearly as many problems with doing it.

I've got friends that watch "Survivor" as a family. But after the few times I see it, I don't think I'd let my kids watch it (even if it is fascinating a bit) because of how these people treat each other. I don't watch it just cause I don't want the cuss words going in.

If it makes you feel any better I had a few years of screaming at my mother and telling her I hated her. But from about 16 or so on she started becoming my best friend. Hang in there, it'll get better.