Callin' all trucks, this here's the Duck: Bad Songs That Aren't [Updated]
They say that one man's garbage is another man's treasure. So it stands to reason that one person's idea of an awful song is another's person's idea of what they want to dance to at their wedding.
Different songs do different things for different people. While I might be inclined to agree that Motley Crue's Home Sweet Home isn't the greatest tune out there, I'm attached to it in a way that only the memory of punching out your sister's best friend in a drunken rage while fighting over the music selection at a party can grab onto your brain and make you think you love the song when you really just love the memory of being so drunk that violence seemed like the most peaceful solution possible.
You know what I'm saying.
So what makes a song really bad? Is it cheesy lyrics? A too-simple bass line? A nasal voice? Or is it really not a case of a song being so bad as much as it is a case of your local DJ playing the song to death and thus making you despise it? Perhaps it's a bit of all of that.
Ok, I was going to try to do this in prose form, but I have too much real work to do today, so I'm just going to run down your song selections while I eat lunch at my desk. I'll update as I can, so keep checking back.
- Ghostbusters: Sorry, dude, but this song rocks, if only for the reason that whenever anyone says "Who you gonna call," can retort back with - Ghostbusters. And then we can sing.
- Jessie's Girl: No way. That song ROCKS. Dr. Noah Drake, pop star!
- The Night Chicago Died: When the song came out, I originally thought they were talking about Mrs. O'Leary's cow and the whole fire thing. Hey, I was twelve. Then I thought they were talking about the Chicago riots. My father then had to sit me down and tell me the story of Al Capone. And you just have to love this part: And there was no sound at all, 'cept the clock upon the wall....which is where my sister and I would say tick, tick, tick. Hey, you take your memories where you can get them at my age.
- Wanted, Dead or Alive: Bon Jovi rules and don't you forge that. I've seen a million face and I've ROCKED them all! Ok, maybe that steel horse line has to go.
- Watching Scott Grow. Hon, without Watching Scotty Grow we have no Watching Scotty Die by the Dead Milkmen and that would just be a shame.
- Billy Don't be a Hero: You people are really looking to piss me off. You're stomping on every one of my childhood memories. We used to act this song out in my aunt's basement. Complete with real tears and my cousin in a Halloween-type army costume and me screaming for Billy to come back and DON'T BE A HERO! I thought the woman was a selfish prig. No wonder Billy opted for going down a war hero instead of coming home and having to live with her. I mean, she threw the letter away! I bet she was fucking his best friend the whole time, anyhow. Bitch.
- Stand - Yea, it's not the greatest song, lyrically speaking. But it makes me feel good. So, there.
- Smoke on the Water: Dean, you are officially a communist for thinking this is a bad song.
- Word Up: PromoGuy, I must smite you. Not only was this song great in its time, but I STILL quote it. If there’s music we can use it/We need to dance/We don’t have that time/For psychological romance - word UP motherfucker!
- Just a Friend - Dude, I made the DJ play this at my wedding, that's how cool it is. And everyone sang along.
- Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?: Ok, so am I the only one who put on her grandmother's house coat and her grandfather's fedora and sang this song into a fake microphone while the tears rolled down her eyes? I was twenty when I did that. And drunk.
- Convoy: You know, some of us have ex boyfriends who were really into the trucker/CB thing. And some of us treasure those memories like....
Nevermind. The song sucked as much as the sex did.
I just saw a comment from one Reggie and I must reply:
WARM LEATHERETTE WAS THE SHIT!
Melts on your burning flesh
You can see your reflection
In the luminescent dash
You are a sad, sad man, Reggie.