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Homework: Shiny, Happy Songs that Make you Want to Stick a Fork in your Eardrum

Tomorrow we tackle the worst songs ever. You may commence with your nominations now.


Listed below are links to weblogs that reference Homework: Shiny, Happy Songs that Make you Want to Stick a Fork in your Eardrum:

» Songs That Hurt from Ilyka Damen
I shouldn't read threads like this. Like it's not enough that I date a guy whose brain is leased out to the jukebox from hell? I'll be mentally bopping along to something good, and that's about when he'll bust out... [Read More]

» Worst Songs Ever from Mama Write
Michele is writing about "shiny, happy songs that make you want to stick a fork in your eardrum." These are just some of the songs that cause my inner diva to cringe when I hear them on the radio: [1]... [Read More]

» continuing the discussion from electric bugaloo dot com
OK, so what do you think the worst songs ever are? Michele is taking nominations. Here's my list (and I'm... [Read More]

» Some like it snot from Cold Fury
So Andrea and Michele are working the bad-songs-list mojo, and I left this in Andrea's comments, and on reflection I thought I'd post it here too. I said it, I believe it, that settles it: The only decent thing to come out of the 70s was Ritchie... [Read More]

» Worst. Songs. Ever. from Running at the Mouth
Michele has been accepting nominations for the worst songs ever over at A Small Victory, and today gave us her list: Run, Joey, Run; Put the Bone In, by Terry Jacks; Independence Day, by Martina McBride; and Have you Forgotten, [Read More]

» Worst Song in a Lifetime from Downtown Chick Chat
So he's playing the game and so is she and with that, I'll play too. What do I think is the worst song eva? "Once in a Lifetime" by the creepy ass Talking Heads. I hated that song in the... [Read More]

» Educating Mike On The Virtues Of Music from Insults Unpunished
Mike has a great discussion of music going on over at his site. He doesn't like the 80s and doesn't even seem to like the 70s *shudder*. Here's my contribution:Mike, And to think I just listened to those Hillbilly Hellcats... [Read More]



It's a Small World After All

Jessie's Girl

Ok, I'm quite depressed now.

OK, if this is a bell curve thing, then:

#1: "The Night Chicago Died"
#2: "Wildfire"
#3" "Feelings"

And I'm not depressed the least fucking bit! Want more? I got 'em!

"Save the Best for Last" by Vannessa Williams

"Sometimes the snow comes down in June
Sometimes the Sun goes round the Moon"

"One Week" by Barenaked Ladies.

Worst. Song. Ever.

o yeah... I almost fergot: anything by Aerosmith.

"Conquistador" by Procol Harum

"In The Year 2525 (Exordium & Terminus)" by Zager and Evans

"Jukebox Hero" by Foreigner

Actually, anything by Foreigner.

Pretty much anything by Rush... the lead singer's voice drives me NUTS.

That "Horse With No Name" song that every "Classic Rock" station plays again and again and again. And "The Day the Music Died." Wish it had, buddy.

Robb, Pete and Belize042: at the risk of sounding WAY too Clintonian... I feel yer... ummm... yer....

nope. just can't do it. Hate the bastard WAY too much...


Like A Rock--Bob Segar

Heartbeat - Don Johnson

Shiny, happy songs that make you want to stick a fork in your eardrum, eh?


1.Anything from "Mary Poppins," particularly that damn spoonful of sugar song
2. "My Heart Will Go On," Celine "I make myself vomit regularly and not because I'm bulimic" Dion
3. "I Just Called To Say I Love You," Stevie Wonder. Stevie, what the hell happened to you?
4. Anything by Elton John after he came out of the closet. Particularly that "Candle in the Wind," piece o' crap.
5. "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun." Cyndi Lauper.
6. For the obligatory "songs that mention jumping suck" category, we have "Jump," by Van Halen and "Jump!" by The Pointer Sisters
7. Anything by Michael Jackson. EVER. And that includes the Jackson Five, but specifically "The Man in the Mirror."

I think that's enough for now.

Kathy: you obviously need a long, long vacation, somewhere completely out of sight and sound of any recording device...

... unless they're broadcasting a Mets game!

So much pain... so much pain.

There are so many bad songs that are so bad in so many different ways. I can not come up with the one song I definitively hate the most, therefore I will just give the first really bad one that pops into my head, which is ...

"Muskrat Love", Captain and Tenelle

I am not sure if I spelled the name of the female singer correctly; I have been trying to expunge the memory of this song for years. If I can think of anything else of comparable awfulness, I'll return to post it.

Some of the other posts have succeeded in bringing back really bad musical memories, such as "Jessie's Girl" and "The Night Chicago Died", tunes that I really would rather NOT remember.

1. "Disco Duck" - you only THOUGHT you'd forgotten it!
2. "Black Water" - by the Doobie Brothers. Just grates on my nerves.
3. "You Light Up My Life"- (Debbie Boone?) gagorama!

"Seasons in the Sun" by Terry Jacks. It's a song about dying, and you wish he'd just hurry up.

"Jack And Diane." I hate this song something fierce! Especially that line about sucking on a chili dog. Who in the world sucks on chili dogs?

"Wanted: Dead or Alive" by Bon Jovi.

Um, hello? I know it was written for a soundtrack, but seriously? Wouldn't this do better as a gangsta rap song? Snoop Dogg, anyone?

hmm... anything by the Carpenters, "the night the lights went out in georgia" and "my favorite things" from 'the sound of music' [personal vendetta].

Honey, Watching Scotty Grow - Bobby Goldsboro

Havin' My Baby - Paul Anka

Mandy, Copacabana, well, anything really - Barry Manilow

We Built This City - Jefferson Starship

I could go on and on. But those are the real cringe-makers in my book.

No someone did NOT just nominate "Jesse's Girl."

My God, man. Go into any college bar and put that song on and watch the college chicks whoop it up, and I'm talking about girls who were all of four when that song came out and can't possibly remember the dorky video. Come ON. I'm a straight girl and even I have to admit that any song that gets the ladies in the house moving can't be THAT bad.

Anyway. My vote is "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." Die, Brett Michaels, die.

Although Charles has a point about "Seasons in the Sun." It was my favorite song when I was five, but my excuse is, I was only five. I've since had nearly 30 years to repent for the error of my ways.

Sweet Home Alabama
Wonderful Tonight
I can't drive 55

I'm sure that I'm like a lot of other people when I say a lot of the nominated songs are songs I like. For instance, I either like or have liked all the songs pril named at one time, and certainly don't hate them now.

I admit you can hear anything too often. For instance, I really hate the song, "American Pie," with a passion that knows little bounds. But is it truly cringe-worthy? Don't know. I have to change the station if it comes on, or sing really loud until someone else changes the station. And I hate "Hotel California" because it got played way too many times when I was a youngin.

How about, "Billie don't be a hero?" Only the older people will remember that one. Billie, don't be a hero, don't be a fool with your life... . That song sucks so bad you never hear it any more. Praises be.

Seasons in the sun is right up there with the crap of all time, as is Copacabana.

Limp Bizkit's cover of The Who's "Behind Blue Eyes." Worst. Song. Ever. Then again, just about everything by Limp Bizkit is the Worst Song Ever.

How about "Kung Fu Fighting" by Carl Douglas? ugh!

"Betty Davis Eyes"..like fingernails against a chauk(sic)board.

Why the 1980's were the worst decade for top 40 music..Cyndi Lauper, Madonna.

'Stand' REM
'Shiny Happy People' REM
'Me So Horny' 2 Live Crew
'American Pie'
Anything sung by Barb Streisand or Celine Dion
'Ironic' Anus Morrrisette (btw nothing is the bloody song is ironic)

"Sometimes When We Touch" by Dan Hill- could he BE any more whiney?

"White Horse" by Laid Back. If you don't know it, be glad. They played it SIX times at my High School prom.

"All I Wanna Do..." by Sheryl Crow. I like her okay. but when I hear this song all I wanna do is change the channel...

But the Worst: "Torn Between Two Lovers" by Mary McGregor. If it wasn't for the Musak where I work I probably never would have heard it... as it is I get the joy of hearing it at least once a day... and I can't think of any song that sucks more than this one.

"Smoke On the Water" -- yes, fun 7-note guitar lick, but the dumbass lyrics destroy its one redeeming quality,

"Sister Christian" (BWAahahahahahahaha!)

Backfield in Motion

"Rock Lobster" B-52s.

Anything by Tracy Chapman. I turn into John Belushi playing Samurai about to commit ritual suicide.

Been there. Done that. :)


Bungle in the Jungle - Jethro Tull

Big Ole Jet Airliner - Steve Miller Band (actually, pretty much anything by the Steve Miller Band that isn't Fly Like An Eagle).

At This Moment (You Just Don't Love Me No More) - Billy and the Beaters

Camera One by whoever. I don't know. I just know that's the lamest most blatant attempt to capitalize on a teenager's dream to be in a movie or to think their life is important enough to be one.

Camera one
closes in
the soundtrack starts
the scene begins
You're playing you now (you're playing you now)...

I'm sorry, but it doesn't get worse than that crap!

Off the top of my head...

1. Billy Don't be a Hero
2. Reflex - Duran Duran
3. Mellow Yellow - Donovan
4. Muskrat Love
5. Higher - Damn Yankees

"Achey Breaky Heart" always sends me into a murderous rage. So does anything by Billy Idol.

"We Built This City" by Starship always sets my teeth on edge, as does "Love is like Oxygen" by a bunch of no-talent hacks.

wow, so many awful songs.

I especially agree on ANYTHING by the Carpenters, "The Night Chicago Died," and "My Heart Will Go On."

I would add:

"Walking on Sunshine" - Katrina and the Waves. To me, that song is like that annoying person who stops you on the street and tells you to smile.

And "Can you feel the love tonight" I don't care who did it, it makes me want to retch.

I'd also add: Anything by Willie Hung. Did you know his album is out already? I know because the last time I was in the CD/software/magazine/latte/and oh-gee, I guess we sell books too store, they were playing it.

they played his version of "Can you feel the love tonight"

I told the clerk that I thought the Geneva Convention disallowed that sort of thing, and he just looked at me in the stupid way that clerks have.

The worst song of all time is so obviously Muskrat Love by The Captain and Tenille. But pulling a very close second is Playground in My Mind by Clint Holmes.

My name is Michael
I've got a nickel
I've got a nickel, shiny and new.


Dean's on Smoke on the Water: Sacrilege. Blasphemy. Heresy. Who listens to the words, anyway?

Worst hit song ever by a real band:

We Built this City. Jefferson Starship suddenly sounded like Journey. Oh, that's right: Everyone sounded like Journey for a couple of years there.

'Ironic' Anus Morrrisette (btw nothing is the bloody song is ironic) Yeah, but that is ironic.

hank you keith. Now how the hel did Macarena not hit teh list? Was it taken as read?

God I love being crabby in the morning!

"Bad Company" - Bad Company - bad music bad music

"Angie" - Rolling Stones - maybe not the worst song EVER, but I always wanted to smack the Glimmer Twins around for recording this dog. Quit yer whining already.

"Summer of Sixty-nine" -Bryan Adams - shut up, fool. You were 10 years old in 1969.

"Midnight at the Oasis" - Maria Muldaur

"Revolution #9" The Beatles - Thanks, Yoko.

And last but not least,
"Penny Lover" - Lionel Richie must die.

A lot of the crap the Rolling Stones tried to pass off, "Hot Stuff," "Undercover," really blew chunks as well. The Stones haven't had a good album since Some Girls.

Picking on soft-vocals 'Oldies' from the Fifties and early Sixties is shooting fish in a barrel, but I spent two summers working in a warehouse where they switched at noon from WNEW (Classic Rock, back in the day) to WCBS-FM (Dante's Oldies), so I can't resist. I'll nominate "Go Away Little Girl," I believe by Steve Lawrence, which comes off sounding just plain creepy, although pretty much anything by Paul Anka . . . let's just say the $6/hour I got paid at that job wasn't nearly enough.

"Superman" (Crash Test Dummies)

"Superman never made any money
out of saving the world
from Solomon Grundy.
He has to just move on
forget Krypton..."

Anything by the Crash Test Dummies, really. It's like folk music from Planet Wrong.

The collected works of Barry Manilow.

Anything written after 1978 in the Country Music genre.

Remembering back 4 years ago to planning my wedding, we could circle or x-out songs on our DJ play list. First to be gone: "I Knew the Bride (When She Used to Rock and Roll)".
Second: "Brown Eyed Girl"
Third, a tie: "Mony Mony" (sp?) and "Mickey"

I second the nomination for "Wildfire" and "Heartbeat".

Forgot: Bryan Adams, can't remember the correct title, but "Everything I Do, I Do it for You".

And "Maggie". Well, pretty much any Rod Stewart.
or Eddie Money.

"Evergreen" by Barbra Streisand. Makes me want to rip out her throat.

Imperial Keeper

Hey Crank,

Didn't Donny Osmond cover "Go Away Little Girl"... Think that version was even more annoying.

Know what?

Planet Wrong=Canada.

We have Canada to thank for:

Celine Dion (spew!)
Bryan Adams (hack!)
Rush (*hrrrrrrk*,*hrrrrrrrk*!)
Barenaked Ladies (blearrgh!)

And of course the Crash Test Dummies, as well as a dozen others I can't think of right now.

I don't feel so good.

Keep Your Hands to Yourself - Georgia Satellites

I got change in my pocket going jingalingaling... BANG!

How could I forget...

"Cheeseburger in Paridise" by Jimmy Buffet.

There, now it's in YOUR head.

At the risk of Michele putting a fatwa against me, the worst songs are pretty much anything in the 80's not done by Sting, Billy Joel, Aerosmith(and a lot that was done by Aerosmith) and, occasionally, REM. (Too bad about Pink Floyd)
I think Dogma had it right. The Muse split for a decade. They just had the wrong decade.
The 80s was summed up by this Chris Cross quote. When asked what his tune, "Lawyers in Love" (Ugh) meant he responded,"It doesn't mean anything, it's just a song."
I don't need deep meaning in a song, but c'mon, at least say something.
Flock of Seagulls, Durhan Durhan and Boy fricking George got rich in the 80s. That's all that needs to be said.

Cameo - "Word Up" &
Sly Foxx - "Let's Go All The Way."

Runner up would be "We Built This City" by The Jefferson-less Starship.

Word to ya Muthaaaaaa

Ooooo - this is a fun read!

I paid special attention to the "Shiny, Happy songs..." instruction in the header.

Ilyka - no argument on your comment about Jessie's Girl; definitely makes the babes shake it. We cover that tune for precisely that reason (and yes, we are going to hell for playing tunes we really hate so chicks will dance. Sue me). Others that have this effect include Brick House and Wooly Bully.

Dean. Dean Dean Dean...Smoke on the Water? The lyrics are great - they tell a story. Granted, it's a "we're all fucked up doing a recording session and some asshole burned down the place we were recording so we had to use the Stones mobile unit to finish the dang thing" story. But a great story none the less.

Although I am unclear on just who was Funky Claude? And what was he doing throwing kids out the ground?

Veeshir - Lawyers in Love was Jackson Browne.

It's Duran Duran - no H.

Flock of Seagulls ruled.

Clearly, you know not what you speak of. Billy Joel? MWAHAHAHHAHAHHA!

That old hip-hop song "You got what I need". (I think that's the title)

Remember the video? The fat hip-hop guy dressed as Mozart, banging on the piano, couldn't hit the high notes and sounding like he had a head cold?

"Oh baby, yooooou, got what I neeeed"
"but you say he's just a friend, you say he's just a friend"
"Oh baby yoooooou, got what I neeeed"

(repeat ad nauseam)

"Walking On Sunshine" Katrina & the Waves. Drove me nuts. Got roped into a band with a chick singer and was forced to play that loser every freakin' gig, sometimes twice. Finally demanded "In the City" by the Jam be added to the list or I would trash the lyrics to every song we played. My PA, my rules!

"She's Like the Wind" by Patrick Swayze (PATRICK SWAYZE!)

"Shakin'" by Eddie Money.

Wow, there are so many.

"MacArthur Park" by Richard Harris OR Donna Summer springs immediately to mind, however. "Hey, this song stinks. Let's see if we can do it even worse by making it a DISCO record!"

"Stairway to Heaven." Someone explain the appeal of this song to me.

"All I Wanna Do (is make love to you)" by Heart. "Hey, remember that one nighter a couple years ago? Yeah, I got knocked up. My man's a fabulous guy but impotent, so it's all good."

"Crocodile Rock," Elton John. Again, someone explain the appeal of this song to me.

TC- LeatherPenguin, I guess "Walking On Sunshine" DIDN'T make you feel good. ;)

Anything by Styx. (shivers)
"Tonight's the night" by Rod Stewart
"Start me up" by the Stones
"Afternoon Delight" by Starland Vocal Band

Billy Don't Be a Hero - Ugh.

Just picture a classroom full of kids singing this when you enter the room. Why, oh why weren't school massacres in fashion when I was in 4th grade?

"Do You Really Want to Hurt Me" - Culture Club (the song that always made me want to say to Boy George "Yes, I do want to hurt you! Shut up, dammit!")
"Too Shy" - Kajagoogoo
"Wake Me Up" - Wham

3. Oh Sherry by Steve Perry. I defy you to not attempt suicide when you hear this song.
2. Achy Breaky Heart by Billy Ray Cyrus. Fingernails on chalkbaord would be a welcome respite from this.
1. Memory from Cats. After playing this at 10,000000 dances I can never hear this song again.

I have to say that Celine Dion's emptyheaded anthem "My Heart Will Go On" ranks as one of the worst songs ever.

Other than that, there are plenty more, but I try not to think about them.

This thread is going beyond psychic torment and is actually starting to cause me physical pain.

Anything by Styx. (shivers)

Oh, my God. I forgot "Mr. Roboto."

I liked it that way.

"Heavenly Bodies" - the Nylons.

"Bohemian Rhapsody" when covered by a four-piece wannaband.

"Dueling Banjos"

...but the ultimate gagorama is...

"Convoy" - Joe Horton?

Breaker breaker, this here's the Rubber Duck...

And they just keep coming...

"Turning Japanese" - The Vapors
"Time in a Bottle- Jim Croce
"Gloria" - Laura Branigan
"Mambo #5" - Lou Bega (a little bit of hot lead from my Glock"

Convoy was C.W. Mc Call. And thanks for dredging up that particular pain. Whyncha give me a nice paper cut and rub some lemon juice in it?

Okay, just for that:

"The Bertha Butt Boogie"

Tell me I don't got game.

Oh, and if that's not enough for you, take THIS:

"Life is a rock but the radio rolled me"


(Norman Dolph-Paul DiFranco-Joey Levine)

Convoy was done by "C.W. McCall", who is actually Chip Davis, who is the guy behind Manheim Steamroller. Or so the story goes....

Here is another awful song. This was a Number 1 hit for a few weeks in about 1987,

"Could've Been" by Tiffany

You may have forgotten this song; if so, you are lucky.

Also, a big "I second that nomination" for "Disco Duck", "You Light Up My Life", and especially the cosmically awful "Seasons in the Sun".

"Convoy was done by "C.W. McCall", who is actually Chip Davis, who is the guy behind Manheim Steamroller. Or so the story goes...."

Urban legend.

"Walking on Sunshine" by Katrina and the Waves

I cringe whenever I hear it on the radio.

Manhattan Transfer. Every one of their songs is an absolute suckfest.

I second Heartbeat by Don Johnson


"Bad" - Michael Jackson

"Goodie Two Shoes" - Adam Ant

"What About Me?" - Moving Pictures

Another Song from the dentist's chair:

"Sometimes When We Touch" - Dan Hill

"And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides"

I want to kill you, Dan. Freakin' limp wimp.

"Cruel Summer" by Bananarama
and "Lady In Red".
Argh...and "La Isla Bonita" by Madonna
and that Spice Girls one, "All I really want, What I really, really want..." Mommy Make It Stop!!!!

Oh, wait. I forgot "Turn On Your Heartlight" by Neil Diamond.

P.S. I actually kind of like "What About Me?"

P.P.S. I also like everything else you guys mentioned. Except the Limp Bizkit and Celine Dion ones.

P.P.P.S. Elephant Man, you're thinking of Biz Markie. I like that one too.

P.P.P.P.S. Okay, not "Built This City" either. Even I'm not that forgiving. I don't know if it's just an urban legend, but apparently there's a fraternity hazing ritual called "Built This City." Each pledge is given a 12-pack, and "Built This City" is blasted over and over until the last pledge finishes the last beer. Talk about incentive.

Ok, as long as we're trashing songs by actors that can't sing, how about Eddie Murphy's "My Girl Wants To (Party All The Time." That's bad!

Free Bird

Final postscript: A cover of "What About Me?" debuted at #1 in Australia a few months ago, sung by Shannon Noll, a runner-up on American Idol. You can watch the video here. [cackles evilly]

I Will Always Love You - Whitney Houstan

And I-eye-eye-eye-eye will always love yoo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo....

That should, of course, have been Whitley Houston.

Sometimes When We Touch - Dan Hill
November Rain - Guns n' Roses
something in the Air - ThunderClap Newman

Tom's Diner -Suzanne Vega (which I had to google for, ensuring it got brainstuck. The 'do do do do, do dodo do' song.)
I Just Called to Say I Love You -Lionel Richie
And finally,
I Shot the Sheriff. Any version. Any band or artist covering this covers themselves in taint.

spd rdr: I'll see your Sometimes When We Touch, and raise you Coming to America, Brother Love's Travelin' Salvation Show, Holly Holy (Neil Diamond) AND Year of the Cat (Al Stewart).

Read 'em and weep.

....does anybody remember the new wave piece of trash by a group called "The Normal"

It was 'Warm Leatherette'

mind numbing idiocy about a car wreck....

in the '80's anyone with a mixer could create an abortion.

oh and also anything by 'Kraftwerk'

The Celine Dion song from the "Titanic" soundtrack just might top my personal list. I could listen to that song over and over again--but the restraints could begin to chafe.

'Hey Mickey' by Toni Basil - I have to quell the urge to kick the car stereo or the television whenever I hear or see this piece of crapola.

Anything by Debbie Gibson and Tiffany.

'Mr. Roboto' by Styx. That's a "WTF?" kind of song. When I hear it I think, "WTF is this crap and WTF were they thinking?"

'Don't Come Around Here No More' by Tom Petty. Awful song. Made worse by a bad video.

That's just a few off the top of my head.

omg i am so glad i am not the only person on the planet who thinks "Freebird" is a crappy song.

Thank you, carol.

(Mostly i just cant stand Lynrd Skynrd)

I think wonderful tonight is a horrible song, just basing my feelings about it off the HUGE amount of OTHER fantastic stuff Eric Clapton has done.. and then he goes and does that song? Good lord.

All of the above suggestions must pale and cower before the utter awfulness of "Skyrockets in Flight" by the Starland Vocal Band.

Any suggestion of "worst song" instantly brings that to mind, so I must endure that stupid, vapid, ridiculous song running through my head for at least the rest of today. And now the rest of you get to suffer with me. Bwaaaa-haaa-haaaa-haaaa.

snow - informer. a licky boom boom down.

that stupid Stink song that was the soundtrack for a Jaguar commercial (no, that's not a typo)

vanilla ice - i love you. does anybody else remember this "ballad"?

michael jackson - man in the mirror

heyyyyyyy macarena. speaking of, this should include any popular line dance song (i.e. achy breaky heart, electric slide)

who let the dogs out? (suck, suck, suck suck)

boyz II men - on bended knee (or is it "end of the road"? did anybody notice it's the same fucking song? i feel like i'm taking crazy pills!)

peter gabriel - games without frontiers

oh shit! how could i forget? worst song ever ever ever ever:

creed - with arms wide open


The Chip Davis = C.W. McCall thing is not an urban legend, exactly. Bill Fries IS C.W. McCall, and Chip Davis did do the music for his albums before he started Mannheim Steamroller.


"Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls.

If only for the very first line:

"And I'd give up forever to touch you"

but there is more horribleness:
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life

I am stunned at your insensitivity. I have done nothing to you to deserve having the "The Year of The Cat" hurled in my direction.

to repay your cruslty, I offer you:

"On the Cover of the Rolling Stone" -Dr. Hook


Spd, I'll up the ante on that one and give you Cat's in the Cradle.

The real title of the song that Steve mentioned is

"Afternoon Delight" by Starland Vocal Band

and it is a worthy nomination for any bad song contest. I had, mercifully, forgotten it. How can a song about something as glorious as sex in the afternoon be so bad ...

Ouch. Nothing hurts more than a song where they rhyme "getcha" with "picture".....

Hey - give Kraftwerk their props! You wouldn't have hip-hop without them, because DJs like Grandmaster Flash all started rapping over 'Trans Europe Express'. See the last episode of the BBC's History of Rock and Roll to hear them tell it themselves. Unless that's WHY you hate them....

Don't mess with 'Warm Leatherette' either!

Can't disagree with the other nominees. I was planning to add on the Titanic song or 'That's the Way it is' by Celine Dion, more for her posturing and the way she pronounces the word 'love'.

Just one more - Rod Stewart's remake of Van Morrison's 'Have I Told You Lately'. The man has this amazing ability to ruin everything he touches - even Carole King tunes!!


I once heard renowned poet John Ashbery rhyme "confetti" with "spaghetti".

At least I'm pretty sure that happened.

The horror!
The horror!

"Witchy Woman" - The f*@%#*& Eagles

I am way late to the party here, and have read most comments -

I must nominate that piece o' shit nonsense called, I believe, "I've never been to me."

"I've been undressed by kings
and i've seen some things
that a woman ain't supposed to see...

I've been to paradise
But I've never been to me"

I have no words. It's just too stupid.

OK, if you're counting only music recorded by somebody who has recorded some good songs, anything by Bryan Adams after 1988 or so is a justification, all by itself, for invading Canada. But I still love "Summer of 69".

As to Michele's title here, one of my friends from college used to call that song "Whiny Sappy People." But I'm not sure that one counts because I think REM was probably kidding.

Somewhere at home, I have Dave Barry's "Bad Songs" book, which is definitive.

i see a lot of "convoy" talk, but wha, no mention of Ray Stevens' "The Streak"?

I think "Witchy Woman" was written under the influence of Canada. Maybe a tour or something.

How could I forget: "We Are The World." Good intentions notwithstanding, this was a stupid song.

I have an album of trash to mention...

"Love Beach" by Emerson Lake and Palmer...

True progressive schmucko garbage

Damn, I really like far too many of the songs here. Well, not Seasons in the Sun. Or Dan Hill. Or Celine Dion. Or ...

But hell no, did someone really nominate Tom Petty?

Re: Canada - we export all of our shit and keep the good stuff to ourselves. Pretty much if they're from Canada and they're rich, they suck. If you're listening to them in a bar with 100 other people, they rock. Or maybe that's universal.

"Should I Stay or Should I go Now" by The Clash.
A lot of people idolize the Clash, but that song just inhales donkey weiner.

"Loving You" by Riperton Minnie. Fouler than grandma's underwear.

"The Lion Sleeps Tonight" by The Tokens. All copies need to be destroyed in a ritualistic bonfire ceremony.

MIdgard, I did NOT just hear you say "Should I Stay or Should I Go" sucks donkey weiner.

If any songs suck donkey weiner, it would have to be the following:

-New Boy in Town by the Eagles. (come to think about it, anything by that band pretty much sucks)

-That Santana song that came out in the summer of 1999. I think it was called "Supernatural" or something.

-Anything and everything by the Insane Clown Posse

-That "Sign" song. You know - "Sign said long-haired freaky people..need not apply"

-"The Long and Winding Road" and "The Ballad of John and Yoko" by the Beatles.

-"Margaritaville" by Jimmy Buffet. It's even worse when covered by a bar band.

-The whole entire "Soft Parade" album by the Doors.

I nominate these particular craptastic songs, only since I haven't seen them mentioned by anyone else. Whenever I hear any these songs on the radio, I get a bruise on my knuckles from reaching for the dial so fast.

"I need love" - LL Cool J.
"Rockin' in the USA" - John Cougar Whatever Ad Nauseum Mellencamp.
"Hello" - Lionel Richie.
"Hello" - Neil Diamond (what is it with that word?).
"The wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" - Gordon Lightfoot.

There's tons more, it's just my mind is in self-defense mode right now and won't allow me to drudge up the memories.

I beg to differ on ICP. This is one of their good songs:

I like ice cream, cherry pie and lemonade with summer breeze
I like rainbows, leafy trails, and puppy dogs with bumble bees
I like cotton candy gum, and bumper cars at carnivals
Golden skys, and hazle eyes, and sand in between my toes, but
Something tells me that I hate you
Something tells me I must kill you
You ain't shit but a slutty ass mother fucking slut
you fucking whore, I fucking hate you

And I loved Soft Parade:


I strongly second the nominations for "I've Never Been to Me" (Charlene), and "Arms Wide Open" (Creed).

I personally nominate all the idiotic remakes of perfectly good songs, particularly the Ataris remake of "Boys of Summer"

Midgard, you spoiled my dinner. I had forgotten about

"Loving You" by Riperton Minne

and now I want to vomit. That song is truly in the stratospheric regions of elevated vileness.

Pac-Man Fever, drivin' me wild!

Here are my two final entries. They are both astoundingly bad.

"Turning Japanese" by The Vapors
"Pina Colada Song" by Rupert Holmes

I wish everyone the best of luck in getting these tunes, both my suggestions and everyone else's suggestions, out of your heads.

That's what friends are for---they should have told Dionne that her psychic network wouldn't work.

Tempted by Squeeze--I am tempted to slit my wrists.

Wanabe by the Spice Girls
Anything By Britney or Christina Skagquilera

Take my Breath Away-Jessica Simpson

Just a friend 2002 This was one song that didn't need a remake.

Here in my car I feel safest of all. I lock all my doors.....

Sweet Home Alabama
Wonderful Tonight
I can't drive 55

Posted by: pril at April 20, 2004 02:49 AM

Holy shit, my list exactly. Oh, and Come on Eileen but those hoemless english folks

But they could probably spell....

JAM, check out "We are the weird". Joe Bob Briggs' parody of "We are the World".

Got him fired from the Dallas Times Herald (back when Dallas thought it could support two major newspapers).

Some of you will recall he remade himself on TNT for a few years hosting Monstervision.

3 and a half stars. Two buckets of blood, 3 breasts. Kung fu, monster fu, and extra bimbo fu. Joe Bob says, "check it out".

The "long-haired freaky people" song is 'Signs' by the Five-Man Electrical Band.

My nominees are 'Brand New Key' by Melanie, 'Thank you for the music' by Abba, 'I write the songs' by Barry Manilow, and just about everything by The Village People.

There are others I could name, given time, but I'm old and easily distracted.

LMAO -- some truly vomitous stuff here (Egads, I really HAD forgotten Minnie Ripperton) but I'm just amazed that no one has mentioned Sugar Sugar by the Archies...

I haven't seen anyone mention "Steal Away," by some godawful Rupert Holmes-style singer (that song always drove me to the brink) or the most horrid mewling whiny-ass song in all of recorded history - "All By Myself" by Eric Carmen. How about Christopher Cross' "Ride Like The Wind," the song you could NEVER get away from, no matter where you happend to be - an elevator, shopping center, doctor's office - for YEARS.
About the John Cougar "Jack and Diane" lyric "Suckin' on a chili dog outside the Tastee Free-heeze," - I agree with Julie's previous post - who in the hell "sucks" on a hotdog? I thought that maybe Cougar was shooting for a sexual reference, but, as it turns out - a friend of mine from Indiana explained to me that a "Chilly Dog" was a "push-up" style of popsicle that was sold at Tastee Freeze stores in his area. I still hate Mellencamp regardless...

I cannot freakin' believe that no one has mentioned the entire pustulent ouvre of Dan Fogelburg. Eeeeyughhh (shudder).

Add to that George Thorogood's laughable attempts to out-bad-ass John Lee Hooker and Bo Diddley.

Final add: Pretty much everything by George Michael. Post-Barbie Ken hits the singing circuit.

Yeah, I was a teen in the 80's...

In Dante's vision of hell, there were concentric circles. The smaller the circle, the closer to "pure" hell. In the innermost circle of musical hell reside four bands: Santana, the Eagles, the Grateful Dead, and Jethro Tull. So anything by those four is on the list.

And here's a couple bonus tracks in case those particular fingernails don't scratch your particular chalkboard:

Fly Like An Eagle - Steve Miller
Open Arms - Journey
The entire Stone Temple Pilots catalog

I wholeheartedly concur with the nomination of Charlene's song "Never Been to Me" as the Worst Song Ever.

In the spring of 1982 you couldn't turn the radio on without hearing that piece overwrought, overdone, tawdry, sentimental crap. It was all over the airwaves that year. It is the one song that if I am ever in a coma, I'd want played at my bedside.

I would come out of said coma in an instant to shut that turgid, overbearing mess off and put it out of its misery once and for all.

Whatever became of Charlene anyway? On second thought, lets just forget I asked that question!