Freedom like a shopping cart*
My first anxiety attack was in October 1980 , at a Grateful Dead concert at Radio City Music Hall. I thought it was bad pot. It wasn’t. I realized this when days later the same series of physical and mental ailments began anew; shortness of breath, a feeling of impending death, the certainty that either my tongue was swelling enough to block my airwaves or my throat had closed up; the feeling of numbness in my brain, as if reality had just left town and I was now and forever stuck in a bad dream.
It was all in my head, I was told. I must be anxious about something, they said. I was barely 18, just out of high school, had no real obligations in my life and I was enjoying the hell out of the freedom that holding off on college afforded me. The biggest decision I had to make at that time was whether or not to drive to Jersey the next evening (Halloween) to go see Todd Rundgren (we didn’t).
I was always a bit high-strung and a bit neurotic. I worry about everything, including the amount of worrying I do about worrying. I avoid social gatherings (which explains why I was standing by the doors of Radio City, almost poised to make an escape, rather than doing some moon-child freak dance in the aisles with my friends), I hate being in crowds. Every situation outside of the house is an exercise in panic avoidance. If we are going to a concert or hockey game or movie, I have to find out ahead of time where the bathrooms were, just in case I have to maneuver my way through a crowd of people to get there - I need to know the fastest, most direct route. And then I refuse to drink anything - beer, soda, water, whatever - making the possibility of having to walk all the way to the bathroom less likely. Wondering why I’ve ditched you every time I responded that I would come to one of those New York blogger bashes? I have good intentions, really. But by the time the day of the get together rolls around I realize that I cannot do it. I can’t face a big group of virtually unknown people. I blew a CNN interview the same way. Blew them off at the last minute because I Just.Couldn’t.Do it. I
I was claustrophobic from an early age (it didn’t help when my sisters locked me in a closet to test whether I was lying about my claustrophobia or not). I’m afraid of heights and afraid of water, thus giving me a fear of suspension bridges. You ever see anyone trying to drive over the GWB with their eyes closed? I’ve attempted it. I’m afraid of flying not because I think airplanes are dangerous and not because of terrorism, but due to my claustrophobia and fear of heights. I manage to get to Florida (a 2 ½ hour trip) if I have a drink or a handful of Excedrin PM beforehand. But don’t ever expect me to meet you in California for any reason.
All my anxieties and fears manifest themselves in my dreams. I can remember as far back as ten years old, dreaming about horrifying plane crashes. I’ve always had vivid, detailed, colorful dreams. There are many occurring themes, including the one where I am driving to Yankee Stadium and the Triboro bridge suddenly winds like a roller coaster and dips into the water. As I approach the part of the road that lies under the ocean, I go into full fledge panic attack and I wake up, wheezing and gasping for air. Sometimes I wake up with the feeling that my throat has been filled with ocean water and I can’t breathe. Sometimes I have claustrophobia dreams and I wake up with the feeling that someone is sitting on my chest and I can’t breathe. I’ve also experienced dream paralysis, where you try to wake up but can’t and your legs and/or arms are like pieces of iron laying at your side. You’re stuck in a dream, unable to move or wake yourself up.
And that’s my panic history. I know there are plenty of you who can commiserate with me. I’ve read your emails, I’ve listened to your stories and it’s really good to know that I’m not the only one. I never thought I was, but it’s certainly comforting to know that there are people smarter and seemingly more together than I am who suffer from the same sense of panic and anxiety.
I eventually learned how to get the panic attacks under control. I also learned how to arrange my life so I lessen the chances of going into full panic mode. I stay away from things that make my time bomb tick, for the most part. Well, I did.
While the anxiety and low level clinical depression were always there with me, the attacks pretty much stopped. Until September 11, 2001. The events of that day and the subsequent weeks set the alarms off all over again, unleashing all the panic and anxiety that had been hovering just below level, waiting for something to spark their revolution. This was it. In a big way.
The first week or two I vacillated, like most people, between sadness and anger. There was also despair and helplessness and a myriad of other feelings that were absolutely uncontrollable. I think there was hardly a person that September that didn’t feel all those things. But for those of us with those angry little chemical imbalances, the trigger had been pulled.
I waited a long time - until March of the following year - to see if I could get it under control myself. By the second week in March I was having about five attacks a day. I had no control over my emotions. I called in sick way too many days, spent a lot of time at home curled up in a fetal position or lashing out on ASV. I had retreated while my phobias and neuroses made their attack on my system. They won.
I finally took the advice of many people and saw my doctor. The rest of that story has been told already. You can look it up if you like.
For two years I experienced a combination of medical manipulation. Different doses of Paxil, combined with various doses of Wellbutrin did the trick. I am not going to go on a rant against medication. It’s wonderful. It did what it was supposed to do. I had more control over my emotions. I felt more like I was living on an even keel instead of a roller coaster. The panic attacks disappeared. Completely. I had more ambition, more energy. It was great. For a while.
Two years on, I felt like the need for the medication was gone. The misery of the post-9/11 days had lessened. And while I was still experiencing a build up in my emotions, I think they are normal emotions for a politically charged person to have during a war. I no longer liked the idea of being doubly medicated every day. I wanted to be self sufficient. And, the more research I did on Paxil, the less I liked the idea of loading that garbage into my system every day. The other medications offered - Effexor and the like - seemed to be less like poison and more like what I needed, but what I really needed to be clean for a change. I wanted to go back to being myself. While the medicated me was a fairly nice person with a nice personality and all, I knew that deep down I was not myself. Forget the sexual side effects, that’s something you don’t even want to know about, let alone deal with. I think my emotions were too under wrap. I barely cried anymore, when I was known for crying at Kleenex commercials. I would end arguments with my husband or children abruptly because I just didn’t care. A simple fuck you, idiot was all I needed to get my point across. That’s not healthy. I knew that. And I knew that burying my emotions was not healthy, either.
So I went off the medications, both of them, and you can read all about that if you go through the April archives.
I’m almost at the two week point of being drug-free. It has not been easy. It has, indeed, been hell. I have a family member who quit heroin. I joke that he had an easier time of it because at least they gave him methadone. The doctor did tell me that de-toxing would not be easy. For some people, it lasts three days or less. For others (apparently, I’m an “other”) it lasts much longer. It’s like having the flu, a hangover and drug withdrawal all at once. I’m determined to make it, though. I have the Xanax should I need it, but so far I have not even filled the prescription for it.
My emotions at this time are uncontrollable. My tempers is incredibly short. My mood swings are violent and acute. Everything makes me angry, tearful, upset, scared...you name it. I don’t like not being in control of myself, which is the reason I stopped doing drugs back in the early 80's. And yes, perhaps those drugs of my past have something to do with my brain of the present. But knowing that won’t make it any different, so it’s not something I’m going to think to heavily about right now. I mention this to people and they ask, what kind of drugs? It’s not something I want to get into. Let’s just say that I could never run for public office, or do anything in which a detailed look into my background would be necessary. But we all have those skeletons. Some of us let others see them, and some hide them. I see no shame in being human and admitting it.
And I do admit that I’ve not behaved in an adult manner lately. I know this, I’m aware of it and I am trying to control that part of me that has that penchant for making enemies.
This is a crazy time in my life (looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue, heh). I’m in the middle of buying a house; we have two weeks to pack up and move. There’s the usual money issues that come with buying a house, plus Natalie needs braces and, while I finally made the last payment on my car, we do need a second car desperately.
So why am I telling you all this? Well, I’ve never been one to shy away from the personal aspects of life. While I do write about war and politics, video games and comic books, music and movies, I always interspersed those topics with the personal. Some of you know more about my personal life than my family members do. I feel that because I have kept you posted about my life from the very beginning, it’s only right to let you know the reason if I happen to disappear for a while.
I’ve threatened this before. I claimed that I was going to go on hiatus only to come back the next day. I’ve said I was going to give it up entirely but found that I didn’t have the balls to do it. I enjoy it too much. For the most part, at least.
I think I’ll experiment for now. If it wasn’t for the fact that I committed myself to raising money for Spirit of America next week, I might have just put up a “gone fishing” sign and packed my virtual bags. But I owe it to SOA to continue with what I started.
We’ll start by saying that I certainly won’t be posting anything new until Monday, when I’ll have something to say on the anniversary of the Oklahoma City bombing. We’ll take it from there. I will always, no matter what I do with ASV, keep Voices open - I will even be expanding it soon. I will always be at Command Post. You’ll see me at Blogcritics from time to time.
But this place has not been good for my mental health. It’s funny that I’m finally approaching the 10,000 hits a day range, and I’m thinking of calling it quits. The thing is, I think a lot of people come here for the train wreck aspect. I don’t want to be anybody’s train wreck. I don’t want to be the victim of rubbernecking brought on by my own drunk driving. I don’t want to spend my days arguing and angry, especially now that I don’t have the little blue and white pills to temper my emotions.
Am I mentally unbalanced? Perhaps. But I think we all are in a way. It’s just a matter of having that Anti-Cupid’s arrow of hate being shot in your ass. Some of us get it, some of us get out of the way in time.
I have to spend some more time concentrating on ways to make more money, concentrating on my writing and how to turn that into a buck or two. I have to stop spending so much time doing this and doing more around the house to help my husband, who need his free time to make more art to pay more bills. It’s a vicious cycle, one we all have been a part of, or will be at some point.
I will be back on Monday, that much is certain, to fulfill obligations that I want to fulfill. After that, ASV will take on a decidedly different tone, if it is still here at all. I think if I took a vote, there would be plenty of ballots cast for concentrating on gaming, comic books and all things pop culture. But I’m afraid there would be many more cast for continuing with the war/politics talk. Let me tell you straight out: that is not going to happen. Either ASV comes back as a pop culture blog or it doesn’t come back at all. That is a promise to myself that I intend to keep. If I lose some readers, so be it. There are many wonderful, less bile filled blogs that concentrate on those areas and do it with diplomacy and tact instead of wielding a sharpened sword and slicing at will.
I’ve made the Hulk joke many times: You won’t like me when I’m angry. Well guess what? I don’t like me when I’m angry.
The ASV you have been reading for the past three years is no more. Check back Monday or Tuesday to see what, if anything, is in it’s place.
Thank you to everyone who has kept this blog company for the past three years. Even those with whom I argue have made this a worthwhile endeavor. I’ve learned a lot from all of you. I’ve learned so much about myself, about politics, the world and the goodness of people. I’ve made tons of wonderful friends, friends who have promised to let me vent to them whenever I get the urge to open up my Moveable Type page and blog politics again. I've lived and learned through this blog in ways I never thought possible. I've "met" people I never would have known existed, and I've read their words and shared their pains and successes. I've had millions of visitors to this place. Millions. I have a hard time comprehending that. To everyone who has graced me with their presence here, thank you. I think I've done more good than harm here. A million click throughs, a million differente opinions, a million different takes on the same subject.
I've seen a million faces an I've rocked them all. I’d like to think, anyhow.
*At first glance, you may not understand why this song applies, but if you stare at it a while, like one of those 3d pictures, the truth reveals. Freedom like a shopping cart, indeed.
A Christian, an anarchist-slashprostitute, figures out the true meaning of freedom
Not freedom like America, freedom like a shopping cart
Kick back, no tense, you got a bag of grub it cost you about 50 cents
No fear, no fuckin feats, malt liquor tastes much better on the streets
Crustin, a way of life for heroines and heroes who hitchike the road to Eden
Not Eden like the garden state, Eden like the state of mind
Kick back, cheap thrills, you'll do anything for a lugh even if it kills you
The bridge you took it out, the ticket takers suddenly lost count
Sleeping under rays, your teeth crumbling away, say goodbye
To all responsibility, you never wanted it man
Wasting time whenever you get the chance
Which happens to be all the time
Kick back, free meals
A couple of times a day you make a coupe if shady deals
No work, no fuckin pay
Cardboard condiminium by the bay
You're between the red and black, you're never goin' back
Say goodbye, to all responsibility
You never wanted it man
-NOFX
Update: You can download the whole song at Amazon
Comments
My first was only 5 years ago. I was at work, listening to some music when all of a sudden I realized I had to get out. I didn't understand what the 'out' was, but I had to leave, get away from something. I remember looking for my metal letter opener to end it all, to 'get out'.
Those who don't understand what panic attacks are are lucky, in my eyes. This is why I avoid drugs like the plague. I've already had a near fatal run in with a loss of reality, I don't want to purposely put myself there again.
Michele, you're writing a lot about this lately, has it been getting worse? I tried to cut down to 5mg of Paxil every 2 days, but I started having horrible anxietyso I think 5 a day is working. It doesn't remove the anxiety, it just keeps it at a level I can deal with.
Sometimes, I think maybe I should stop reading blogs and the news. The level of stress might not be worth it. But then I think that knowing I'm missing out on what's really happening in the world would be just as stressful.
Best of luck.
Posted by: Robb | April 15, 2004 11:34 AM
You do what's best for you, enjoy your new home. But keep the logo, I love it!
You've earned it.
Whoo, 2 artists in the same household, that's got to be hard.
Posted by: Sandy P | April 15, 2004 01:30 PM
But you're going to have to blog on the conventions.
Posted by: Sandy P | April 15, 2004 01:31 PM
Well, looks like my comment lower down was a day late and a million dollars short. I'll miss the old ASV, but I wish you the best of luck in getting the pesky personal stuff straightened out.
Posted by: Kevin | April 15, 2004 01:39 PM
That's a very touching glimpse into what makes up you, Michele. I never thought about the train wreck gawker aspect but now that you've mentioned it I have a thought or two.
First, that's not why I come here. Not by a longshot. I'd much rather hear stories like "Don't piss in the Millenium Falcon" than sad ones. See, I've gotten to know you a little bit by the stories you share so I get the same reactions when I read about bad things in your life as when I'm talking to a friend or acquaintance who's relating bad things in their life. There's some "That blows, Dude (or Dudette in this case)", a bit of "Phew, I'm so lucky", an urge to comfort (exacerbated due to your femalocity), and some guilt for having that second feeling up there.
Seeing as I relate to most things with humor I must often fight against my (generally naughty) natural impulses. For example, my first draft of this comment was "Damn, that's a long post. Where's the Executive summary?" Good thing I have a lot of experience fighting those urges.
Not sure where I'm going with this now as I've fallen into a stream of conciousness. Damn.
Anyway, take care of yourself and do what you need to in order to feel as good as you can.
And stop apologizing so much. You're giving New Yawkas a bad name. ;-)
Posted by: Jim | April 15, 2004 01:40 PM
Do what you need to do, Michele.
Don't ever apologize for feeling the need to take care of yourself.
We'll be here if and when you come back. And we'll still read what you have to say---no matter the subject matter---because we like the way you say it.
Good luck:)
Posted by: Kathy | April 15, 2004 01:45 PM
Good luck in your transitional phase.
Get the DVD/VHS ready for the ATHF deluge. "Ve vill melt them into fluid!"
Posted by: Norbizness | April 15, 2004 01:56 PM
{{{Michele}}}
You take care of yourself. You would need to declare a hiatus in posting because of the moving, so don't worry about it.
Posted by: htom | April 15, 2004 01:56 PM
ASV has been right at the top of my sites to read daily for years now, for your insight, your stlye, and your wit. Politics or pop culture, it's always been worth my time to stop by. And now, you need to do what's necessary to keep yourself together, and nobody could blame you for that -- believe me, I empathize.
Thanks for everything.
Posted by: Oddly Normal | April 15, 2004 02:01 PM
You go. Joke 'em if they can't take a fuck.
I expect you to use next year's bitchin' house-purchasing-related tax refund to vacation in Florida, however.
Posted by: Sekimori | April 15, 2004 02:07 PM
Michelle, don't worry 'bout us - we'll still be here when you get back. Get yourself together. That's the more important part.
Be well, and be strong.
Posted by: mhking | April 15, 2004 02:07 PM
Catch you at TCP then. Best wishes and all that. I'll try to dig up some A.T.H.F. stuff for you. Stuff you can only get if you're an employee and all that.
Just as a gift for the good read.
Or maybe I'll just send you a big wad of ground beef if I can't find anything else!
Posted by: Michael Demmons | April 15, 2004 02:08 PM
Michael, as long as it's shape shifting meat :)
Posted by: michele | April 15, 2004 02:10 PM
I can relate.
Posted by: Jeff G | April 15, 2004 02:12 PM
Hmm, seems like I posted before you were done. Sorry to see you go, but I guess it makes my original comment all the more aprapos.
I do think you're correct in a way about the train wreck thing, except it is more like voyuerism. I want to watch other people's minds deal with the same issues I have to deal with to gauge my responses. You've been a great source for that info.
Again, best of luck.
Posted by: Robb | April 15, 2004 02:14 PM
Never apologize for taking care of yourself, Michele. We'll still be here.
Thank you very much for ASV. Be well, and be loved.
Posted by: Darmon Thornton | April 15, 2004 02:16 PM
(Hmmmm. I'm sure it will shape shift - given time.)
Posted by: Michael Demmons | April 15, 2004 02:16 PM
Michele,
I sent you a long e-mail, but for the benefit of the rest of us Yahoos, let me repeat:
Do what you gotta do. We'll be here when you get back, or we aren't worth giving a damn about anyway.
Posted by: Mark | April 15, 2004 02:17 PM
"But this place has not been good for my mental health. ... But I think we all are in a way. It’s just a matter of having that Anti-Cupid’s arrow of hate being shot in your ass."
Yes, there's certain unhealthy?, addictive? charge we get out of the negative emotions in online communities. Guilty! Crap, I even caught myself commenting on dKos.
Analysis good; supercharged, emotion-stoking provocations bad!
Too often we (I) let them blend together.
My two cents: Cool down for a few days. Write your own lsit of topics/stuff you'll get into, and stuff you won't. Determine whether to shut off or control comments. Whatever. But, (assuming you come back) do so with some internal guidelines about blogging and your own emotions.
Regards,
Posted by: The Commissar | April 15, 2004 02:23 PM
i won't get into the panic attacks, except to say i've been there, too. missed 3 months of work & went on short term disability. thanks for sharing. i should do the same sometime, on my blog.
i'll be here when you get back, no matter what form asv takes. take care & see you monday.
Posted by: becky | April 15, 2004 02:25 PM
I'll just join the queue of well-wishers here. I still lurve ya, Michele!
Posted by: Dave | April 15, 2004 02:26 PM
Mental imbalance? I think it's required for long-time, high-profile blogging.
I mean, just look at me. I go through the trouble of creating 7 fake personalities on the site to fabricate a group-blog, I fire five of them, and I recreate five new ones.
And you think you have the right to call yourself crazy?
Come on, eh. Take your meds, put on the chicken suit with the tear-away butt-flap, and let's go fight some crime!
Posted by: Laurence Simon | April 15, 2004 02:26 PM
Get well, enjoy your new house, and have great fun.
Best wishes,
Posted by: Fausta | April 15, 2004 02:27 PM
Michele, we barely knew ye.
So long, kid.
See you in the funny papers.
Posted by: spd rdr | April 15, 2004 02:29 PM
You did good political work Michele so sorry to see the page become a "pop culture blog" -- if that. But ya gotta do what's best for you. Don't be afraid to take a week off and rest and relax, it might be good for you. Everybody needs a little time away. Best wishes -- JDH
Posted by: John Hawkins | April 15, 2004 02:33 PM
There's nothing you've said here than I can argue with, lots I can agree with, and even if I could argue with any of it, I'd still have to concede that you gotta do what you gotta do.
Oh--and if anyone deserves to be paid for her writing, it's you.
So why do I still think this sucks worse than anything has ever sucked before? Because I'll miss the ASV I knew and loved, I guess.
But it's been a grand long run, and I'll get over it in time. And I'm just enough of a pop culture junkie that I'll keep on reading anyway.
Funny what you said about agreeing to meet up with other bloggers and canceling at the last minute. I'm not prone to panic attacks (crossing fingers it stays that way), but I definitely have what my aunt and grandmother on my paternal side call "the leaving-the-house thing." We'll schedule things we're DYING to go do, can't WAIT to go do, but sometimes the day comes and we just can't do it. Worse, then people you've agreed to meet think you're just trying to screw them over, and of course it isn't that at all.
My grandmother just makes herself go most of the time. That woman has will to spare. My aunt only drops the ball sometimes. I drop the ball all the time. There's a reason I have a job working from home: it minimizes having to leave the house.
Because they both have it I figure it has to be inherited, right? But it's weird that it seems to affect only the women in the family. Unless maybe the guys just aren't admitting it like we do.
Ack, sorry to ramble. You have a great weekend!
Posted by: ilyka | April 15, 2004 02:36 PM
Yay for comics, gaming, and pop culture!
Do what ya gotta. It all comes down the style and story, not necessarily the subject. And you have style for miles, kid.
Have a good break!
Posted by: Kevin Parrott | April 15, 2004 02:42 PM
Best of luck!
I did prozac for a few months when I went off the deep end in grad school. Horrible unhealthy place. Coming back off it was hard, but it's nothing compared to paxil, from what I've heard.
I miss prozac. Having a baby messed with me, and it's hard to cope. But I'm too chicken to go to the doctor. I don't WANT to tell some stranger all my problems and plead for drugs. They might say no.
Posted by: Kat | April 15, 2004 02:45 PM
Enjoy your new home, relax, rest, and best of luck in whatever you choose to do in the future.
Posted by: Ith | April 15, 2004 02:45 PM
Here's a vote for whatever incarnation you decide ASV to be.
I come here for the author not the subject.
Posted by: Ryan | April 15, 2004 02:47 PM
Hey Michele -
For what it's worth, I don't come here for the trainwreck. I come here because I find your commentary interesting. Well, that and the ass fucking. Wait. Was that here? Hm.
Anyhoo.
Being a Zoloft guy, I can relate. I mentioned in another thread that I had to go off it for a week once, and that was really bad. So I have an inking of what you're going through. Remember - it does get better.
In any event, I hope you don't give up blogging, because I really like it here.
Posted by: Farmer Joe | April 15, 2004 02:48 PM
Just wanted to say "thank you", you've been a great read.
Posted by: jimi | April 15, 2004 02:52 PM
Hey Michele, good luck wherever you may choose to go, and what you may choose to do. It has been so, so great reading your blog. Just... take care as always.
Posted by: OF Jay | April 15, 2004 02:54 PM
Say 'Hi' to Rachel Lucas...(Waaah!)
Posted by: Bruce | April 15, 2004 02:59 PM
Michele, I have been more of a lurker than a commenter, but I do visit here several times a day. I find just about every subject you write about to be insightful and thought provoking (even when it is just a stroll down memory lane).
For what its worth, I never thought you stepped over the line even at your angriest and it pains me to think that the losers and assholes of the world have actually had a negative impact on your "real" life. So, like most folks who come for a daily dose of wit and wisdom, I will selfishly lament the loss of quality time with you (what does one take for ASV withdrawal symptoms anyway?). Alas. Take care of yourself. You have touched many more lives than you know.
Posted by: John McCrarey | April 15, 2004 03:01 PM
For about a year now, i've been meaning to drop you a line telling you how much I enjoy ASV. Better late than never, I guess. Sorry to hear it, but your mental health certainly comes first. I'll be back to write whatever's here after you get it all sorted out. Thanks Michele, you're one of the best out there.
Posted by: Tom Morgan | April 15, 2004 03:01 PM
I meant 'read' whatever's here of course :)
Posted by: Tom Morgan | April 15, 2004 03:02 PM
If I ran a newspaper or magazine, I'd sooooooo be looking to add the Michele Catalano byline to my rag.
Anyway, good luck on the house and all. I just bought one, and my normally sane wife literally ripped the shirt off my body (and not in a good way) a few days before closing. That in mind, I don't blame you one bit for shedding anything remotely stressfull. ASV has entertained me in many ways. I will always thank you for that and I look forward to whatever road your future writing takes you on.
Good luck and peace.
Posted by: a different Bill | April 15, 2004 03:02 PM
Thank you, Michele. Do what's best for you.
Posted by: Peter | April 15, 2004 03:03 PM
Just wanted to know that you're on my list of favorite blogs to visit for a good reason - you're brutally honest, unflinching, and you like Faith No More (that alone earns my utmost respect). While I'm going to miss your political side, I know I'm going to appreciate and enjoy whatever you choose to do with ASV because it's always been about the person behind the blog.
Should I quit bugging you about the Yankees, though?
Posted by: Pietro | April 15, 2004 03:14 PM
You do whatever is best for you. This is just a blog. Blogging should really be just a hobby. Take care and good luck. :)
Posted by: Boz | April 15, 2004 03:17 PM
Thanks for what you've written in the past, Michele. It was always good, politics or pop culture. Thanks for writing this post.
I hope it all works out for you and I'm sure we'll all be hanging around here like kids hang around the ballpark after the end of the game. You might have to chase us off with a stick.
Posted by: Ken | April 15, 2004 03:18 PM
I understand.
What more needs to be said...?
Posted by: Toren | April 15, 2004 03:19 PM
ilyka wrote:
I drop the ball all the time. There's a reason I have a job working from home: it minimizes having to leave the house.
::: gasp ::: A little self-realization there. Yipe.
Michele, if you posted your GROCERY LIST I would read it, fercryin' out loud. You have the most wonderful ability to describe things so that I can see them in my imagination. From what I understand, that's called being a Writer.
Love,
Em
Posted by: Emma | April 15, 2004 03:19 PM
One less druggy scumbag polluting the web. Boo fuggin hoo. Maybe if you'd kept your nose clean you wouldn't be such a headcase now.
Posted by: Tom | April 15, 2004 03:24 PM
I love you, too. Thanks for dropping by Tom. You have brightened my day just by validating my reasons for giving this up.
Nose? Wrong drug, try again.
Posted by: michele | April 15, 2004 03:28 PM
Haven't commented here before, but you are a "must read" both here and at TCP. Go, if you must. You have caused ripples in the cybersphere that will bounce back and forth who knows where and for how long. You have changed some minds for the better, pointed out and rightly mocked some fools, and just flat pissed some people off. What a great legacy.
(Uhhh, that last is supposed to be a subtly witty compliment, but I never did get around to looking up the definition for either subtle or witty, so how about just thanks.)
Posted by: oldgeek | April 15, 2004 03:30 PM
Well, just make sure you keep doing limerick and poetry contests from time to time. I don't know what I'd do without those. Probably play with my feces, rolling them into little balls and trying to flick them into a baseball cap or something. You can't let that happen Michele!!
And, 10,000 page hits a day? Holy shit stick, woman. That's some powerful mojo you're radiating there. Gawd, I'm happy to surpass 100 page hits a day, with most of those hits being me visiting my own site.
Well, whatever you come back as, I'm sure I'll enjoy it.
Posted by: Ryan | April 15, 2004 03:32 PM
"dream paralysis, where you try to wake up but can’t and your legs and/or arms are like pieces of iron laying at your side. You’re stuck in a dream, unable to move or wake yourself up."
God I HATE that. It happens to me all the time, and it freaks me out every single time. That and when I'm not quite fully asleep, and something causes me the shake my self back awake. Gahh!!!
Posted by: IgwanaRob | April 15, 2004 03:36 PM
Wait, before you go, can we have another Uma-Oprah thread? C'mon, you know you want to!
Posted by: Belize042 | April 15, 2004 03:41 PM
Well, I'm kinda new here, found you through allah, and though I've only been reading for a month or so (your blog, silly) - I'm gonna have to say I'll miss it. So, this is fat kid wishin' you the best.
Posted by: fat kid | April 15, 2004 03:42 PM
Have you tried Whippets? They work to calm me down. ")
Posted by: Cowtipper | April 15, 2004 03:42 PM
You have my sympathy. Do what you need to do to make yourself well, or better.
Blog if you can. If you can't, we'll miss you.
Posted by: ace | April 15, 2004 03:58 PM
Michele, reading about you brings to mind the image of a ballerina dancing on the high wire; a beautiful artist tempting fate to bring pleasure to her audience. Yes, there's always going to be people in crowd hoping to see the ballerina fall, but the great majority of us are here to enjoy the show and catch you if you should lose your balance. Take care, Michele, and I'll be waiting in the wings to see the ballerina dance again.
Posted by: Alan J. | April 15, 2004 04:04 PM
Hi Michele,
Been here since way back. You've lived the dream, baby. You're a trailblazer.
As much as I enjoy all of the bloggy goodness out there, I often wonder/worry about the people behind them and the huge amount of time and effort it takes.
Take care of yourself and know that you have done incredibly, amazingly well in using your unique voice to let everyone know how you feel and think. You're a brave person to put yourself out there as you have.
Best of luck,
---Brian Perry
Posted by: brian perry | April 15, 2004 04:07 PM
I've only been coming here for a couple of weeks, but I've enjoyed your blog. I think doing a purely culture oriented site would be great. I'm still waiting for you to post an mp3 of Lawrence Welk covering "Number of the Beast" by Iron Maiden. :P Good luck with your chemistry.
Posted by: Midgard | April 15, 2004 04:09 PM
Michelle,
I for one have no problem if you turn this into a pop culture blog. More pop culture = more Achewood posts, right?
And if you do abandon ASV completely, you'll be missed, but it'll be for the best. Best of luck getting into that new house of yours.
Posted by: Patrick Banks | April 15, 2004 04:19 PM
As one of the silent millions who have enjoyed every one of your words for the last couple of years, I too, wish you well. My morning coffee and 'breaking news' web searches will never be the same.
I feel like my really cool neighbor, the one that threw the pool parties and use to help with the BBQ's, just told me they're moving to Cleveland.
We will miss you, and will keep an empty lawn chair open for you at the 4th of July picnic.
Send us a postcard every now and then.
LV
Posted by: Eric | April 15, 2004 04:22 PM
I have found that participating in specific activities cause personality changes and make me prone to anxiety and panic attacks.
I discovered this as a teenager when I was in art school. When I am dedicated to drawing and painting, I become very introverted and experience serious social anxiety. This will eventually cause panic attacks -- for which I've been hospitalized.
If I do work that involves public speaking and working within business groups, I don't have a problem. That's why I changed my major from Art to Communication.
I've decided that it has something to do with the creative part of my brain. Doing fine art triggers something that results in the awakening of a dark side of my personality. The themes of my artwork become very serious and I can spend hours in isolation. My dreams will literally become vivid nightmares. I have even had dreams in which I have conceived and completed entire paintings.
Doing Web design and commercial graphic design doesn't do this to me. Creative writing, gardening, and blogging don't either. I haven't had to take any medication since I gave up fine art. It has been many years -- since college.
Posted by: Fritz | April 15, 2004 04:24 PM
Panic attacks are pretty common – everybody’s afraid of something. I know pilots who can’t watch ER because they faint when they see an operating scene.
They really do need to invent some sort of temporary medication to get us through events that we know will be godawful stressful but we know we can’t do them drunk. Moving is one of those things.
This is a good time to take a break. We’ll miss you, but I don’t think many people come to see a train wreck. We come for the wit and the writing, and the nice company. Sometimes a troll pops up. Whacking them can be fun, but tiring after awhile. And they leave all that green goo behind when their heads explode. Who can blame you for wanting to take a break.
Best of luck with the move..
Posted by: mary | April 15, 2004 04:29 PM
Michele -
Someone above wrote: "I would read your freakin' GROCERY LIST if you posted it". That just about sums it up for me as well.
You have deeply touched my life with your writing, and how you share yourself with all of us.
Posted by: red | April 15, 2004 04:35 PM
Michele --
Instead of closing up shop, why not hang a "Gone Fishing" sign in the window and take a break? Right in the middle of detoxing is the wrong time to make a decision on anything.
You have many, many people who read you every day because of your total emotional and intellectual honesty. Anyone who has a problem with that can go read someone else's blog and leave yours alone. (Tom? Hello? Are you paying attention?)
As for trolls, just refuse to engage for a while? Don't read them. Don't answer them. Just delete their happy asses. They only have the power to upset you if YOU give it to them.
Take a break. Catch your breath. And then come back and play with your friends, okay?
Posted by: Omnibus Driver | April 15, 2004 04:35 PM
be well, michele.
Posted by: shelley | April 15, 2004 04:47 PM
I told Stuart Buck to take some time off after his strokes, and what'd he last, like a day after he was home from the hospital? This is no easy habit to give up, although between your frazzledness and Instapundit's comments the other day about being weary sometimes of following the news, you can sympathize with how people like Rice and Powell are so burnt out by now actually doing what the rest of us just talk about. But do what's best for you.
I can definitely sympathize on the panic attacks - I've had a much lesser case, and mostly in the immediate aftermath of September 11, but between the panic attacks and the teeth grinding I've absorbed a good deal of stress the last 3-4 years. I gather the answer to panic attacks is really different for each person (Howard Dean got therapy for them, and tied it back to his brother's death . . . insert your own 'primal scream therapy' joke here).
Anyway, we all appreciate what you do around here. Be well.
Posted by: Crank | April 15, 2004 04:48 PM
Never let the asshats get to you. Ignore them - you have to, you can't shout them down because they reproduce to fast.
Posted by: Headzero | April 15, 2004 04:54 PM
Michele -
10,000 hits, sixty-some comments . . .
You've been a blessed person to have touched that many people. Feel proud. And we'll wait right here if you ever feel like comming back.
Posted by: ChiBri | April 15, 2004 05:04 PM
As a relative newcomer to ASV all I can say is I'll miss it considerably. I do understand exactly how you feel about the meds (been there, done that, got the t-shirt). Just remember that for every asshole that comments here there are probably hundreds of lurkers who love what you do. Take care of yourself.
Posted by: Nick | April 15, 2004 05:19 PM
This isn't just because the Yanks have trailed the Red Sox the entire season, is it?
Good luck and get well, kiddo. We'll be here when you get back.
Posted by: Mike | April 15, 2004 05:55 PM
Michele, I don't need to read the previous comments (I will, though) to know that I am not the only person who thinks you should do whatever you and your family (but mainly you) feels is good for you. I'd bet that most of us come here because we like your voice, and that really doesn't change much from topic to topic (except maybe for deeply personal stuff like this post).
Write what inspires you, and we'll be happy,