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Q&A #5: Jolly Time

[Consider this a placeholder for long, rambling morning monologue]

I haven't forgotten your questions, you inquisitive kids. I'm just taking them a little at a time.

Both Peat and Bonnie ask:

What happens when you make microwave popcorn with the wrong side up?

pc1.gifIn my never ending quest to answer every inane question that comes my way, I always go to the full extent of my abiliities. So, last night, I put a bag of popcorn in the microwave. Upside down. I do live the daring life.

Well, Peat, Bonnie and the rest of you curious cats, I can now tell you what happens. But I'm going to make you guess.

This is what occurs when you put an upside down bag of popcorn in the microwave:

  1. The bag explodes with such force that the microwave bursts into pieces, scattering shards of plastic, metal and glass throughout yourhouse, causing you to run for the phone and immediately dial the number for your attorney.
  1. A magic genie appears, but he's a dark genie and instead of granting wishes, he beats the shit out of you and then turns you into dust.
  1. An mysterious agent dressed in black appears in your house, admonishing you for not following directions and slaps you with a summons. You notice this is the same man who appeared when you wantonly ripped the tag off the mattress.
  1. Nothing happens. And I do mean, nothing. Apparently the instructions are written that way for a reason.

According to the nice lady from Jolly Time, a leading maker of microwave popcorn, the bottom of the bag contains a reflector that helps spread the microwave energy, which comes from the top of the oven, uniformly throughout the product. Turn the bag upside down and the popcorn will still pop, but it may take longer, and some of the corn may be dried out or scorched.

Thanks, Cecil.

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Comments

It's all a lie. A lie, I tell you! I always pop the popcorn right-side-up, and I still get some scorching, along with a lot of unpopped kernels.

The instructions are written that way to convince people to trust authority without question. It's a conspiracy! Orville Redenbacher was the 13th scion of the founder of the Masonic order!

I know it's true 'cause I read it on the Internet!

People who eat microwave popcorn - no matter what way up - deserve whatever disasters come their way. The stuff is evil - spawn of the most devilish devil from the depths of the ninth hell.

Even the smell of that burnt butter coated plastic corn substitute makes me retch.

So put the bag in upside down. With luck for the rest of us, it will damage your microwave such that you are rendered sterile - hopefully before you pass on your degenerate popcorn-loving genes to successive generations. Darwin at work.

Obviously we have to have an act of Congress (hey, that's pretty funny just as it is -- get it? Unintentional) to require microwave oven to have the microwave energy radiated from both the top and bottom, just in case someone puts the popcorn in upside down.

"People who eat microwave popcorn - no matter what way up - deserve whatever disasters come their way. The stuff is evil - spawn of the most devilish devil from the depths of the ninth hell.

Is it worse than heretical potatoes to an Irishman? (Instant Potatoes) And is there a difference with the potatoes if the Irishman is Catholic or Protestant (other than the color of the potatoes - green vs orange)?

A better question might have been, "What happens when a drunken idiot places six bags of popcorn in your microwave at the peak of a raucous party?"

Believe me, hilarity will ensue, followed by a vicious beating and much clean-up.

"And is there a difference with the potatoes if the Irishman is Catholic or Protestant (other than the color of the potatoes - green vs orange)?"

One should never eat green potatoes. That normally indicates the presence of rather nasty additions to the pure potatoe substance that will result in the rapid expulsion of partially digested potatoes (and other contents) from both ends of one's digestive tract.

If the potatoe is orange, then someone (a leprechaun?) has turned your potatoe into a pumpkin or squash. Don't eat it, but cut it open to see if there is an image of Christ or the Virgin Mary in the pattern of the seeds. If found, go to your nearest pub, consume vast quanitities of Guinness and loudly proclaim to all within hearing "It's a blessed miracle."

I have personally set a bag on fire by trying to pop it upside down. The stench ruined the microwave for all time.

Next issue: How many nukes does it take to blow up the center of a Toostie Pop?

A-one... A-two-oooo....

Thanks for clearing this up almighty question answerer.

Ah, but what if you place the bag in sideways?

Nobody can answer a question like Cecil, eh? I loves me some Straight Dope.

If you've sworn never to try microwave popcorn, at least try this kind: Orville Reddenbacker's Cinnabon (like the place in the mall with the siren song) popcorn. It's got a cinnamon coating and comes with a little packet of glaze that you pour over and mix around....yum!!!