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crapfest

Quick review of Secret Window: It sucked. Longer version: If you are going into this movie expecting something scary, don't bother. If you're looking for a taut psychological drama, don't bother. If you're looking for thrills and chills and a bit of terror, wait for Dawn of the Dead. Even a shitty remake of a cheesy movie has to be better than Secret Window. Johnny Depp must have been doing someone a personal favor when he signed onto this film, because he sleepwalks through his role. Though, that could be the crapfest of dialogue he was given to work with. Hokey, predictable (my eleven year old son had it figured out early on in the movie) and tedious. Oh, and that PG-13 rating? Unecessary. The only "sexual content" was a flashback shot of two adults in bed (no nudity) getting caught in the act. If you blink, the scene is over. Violence? Most of it implied. Terror? Please. Gore and blood? I've seen more blood playing Tony Hawk Underground. Rating: Five pieces of crap on the crap-o-meter (five being worst). Speaking of the crap-o-meter, tonight's Simpsons episode would have clogged up the bowl.

Comments

It was a movie from a Stephen King book...did you expect anything good? Look at the track record here.

Tonight's Simpsons sucked, the only good joke was Rod and Todd's book: "What Would Jesus Watch?" by Michael Medved.

Eh, "The Simpsons" has been circling the bowl for so long, it's no surprise to see them disappearing down the drain (bow before my extended metaphor!).

As soon as I saw the commercial, I thought "why are they making a movie out of 'Secret Window, Secret Garden'?" It's an okay novella, but it's certainly not great or even good, definitely not interesting enough to want to watch on film.

It was "What Would Jesus View" which is funnier since it rhymes. And I think you guys are being too harsh. (Although I did kinda zone out after Artie Ziff appeared, about 3 minutes in. So maybe the rest sucked.)

It was a movie from a Stephen King book...did you expect anything good?

Hmm, lets see. Stand By Me, The Green Mile, Carrie, Shawshank Redemption, The Shining, etc.

All awful movies that no one enjoyed, huh?

Nothing worse than ignorant elitism.

Not Ignorant elitism - the law of averages.

Pet Sematary, Maximum Overdrive, Lawnmower Man (did they use anything from the story but its title? ), Needful Things, Cujo, Christine, Creepshow, about a dozen TV movies, and the list goes on.

I like most of the movies on your list but you admit that seeing "based on the novel by Stephen King" does not guarantee quality.

The law of averages goes both ways. When movie after movie is made from your books, some will be awful. Not to mention that a good king movie can easily be made into a bad movie.

The comment I was referring to was basically saying that if King wrote it it's going to be bad. Just not true, unless one wants to comment blind.

And I'm not even a king fan.

Not Ignorant elitism - the law of averages

The "law of averages" would predict that, since the overwhelming majority of Stephen King movies have been bad, we're due for a good one. However since there is no law of averages in the real world, this is something of a moot point.

Anyway, the track record of King movies done with real actors and directors is pretty damn good. Yeah, Maximum Overdrive blew chunks, but it starred Emilio Estevez and some trucks.

Hey, I loved Maximum Overdrive!

As both a King fan and a movie, fan, Pet Sematary and Cujo were pretty passable movies, true to their source material and not bad movies by any stretch, like Graveyard Shift or The Mangler. Christine was fair-to-middling, Cat's Eye and Creepshow still hold up pretty well, and Salem's Lot and The Dead Zone were excellent.

I'm still waiting for "The Sun Dog." I think that would make a damned fine thriller.