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Dear Abby, From Homer: One contest continues, another one begins

Book Contest: At the request of a few people who are basically weekend internet users, I've been asked to extend the Book Contest. So I shall. You now have until Sunday evening, 10pm to make your entry. We're already above 70, so make it good. But I've got something new. It's not a contest, per se, as it has no prize. It just sounds like fun. See, I read this post over at Hoystory about the Dear Abby staff falling for a prank letter. The beginning of said letter: bq. DEAR ABBY: I am 34 and have three children. My husband, "Gene," and I have been married for 10 years. He is greedy, selfish, inconsiderate and rude. I don't know why I married him, nor why our marriage has lasted this long.
Gene put off getting me a birthday gift for as long as he could; then he bought me a bowling ball. It was the last straw. Not only do I not bowl - he had the holes drilled for his fingers and his name was on it. Sound familiar? It should if you are a Simpsons fan. The whole entire letter was a reproduction of "Life on the Fast Lane" from Season 1. Eventually, an alert staffer caught on and the letter was pulled before its scheduled publication. For Abby's answer, see the Hoystory post. Anyhow, this opens the door for some Friday Fun. Simply take any television show, book, movie or -what the hell - song, and write a Dear Abby letter from a character's point of view. EMAIL THEM TO ME (simpsons-AT-asmallvictory.net). DO NOT PUT THEM IN THE COMMENTS. I'll post them all tomorrow morning and we'll see how many you can guess correctly. Maybe there will be a prize. One for best letter and one for the person who gets the most right. I'll think of something prize worthy. Get cracking. And remember, email only. Comments are for questions


Dear Abby,

I never thought this would happen to me. I happen to be a well-endowed male at a small midwestern college and....

Whoops! This isn't the kind of letter you wanted, was it?

is it just me, or do all hoystory links lead right back to you....?

talk about being egocentric...

I fixed it. Now shut up before I tell everyone you're blogging about corn in your poop.

fine. tell everybody. that corn/poop talk was purely theoretical anyways.

Dear Abby,

What are you wearing?

Is there a 3 entry limit like for the book contest?

For TV shows I'm assuming the letter should be a synopsis of a single episode, not the series in general, right?

JFH....cracking me up.