in which i discuss girlie things
This is what's it's like the day before I get my period: I wake up with a few zits on my face. My hair - no matter how many times I wash it or what I try to do with it - looks dull and lifeless and will not behave, not even with a fire-hazard amount of hair spray. My skin looks pasty, sort of like a zombie's before they get replenished with brains. I feel bloated all over; no matter what I wear, I like fat and puffy. I feel like my boobs are going to burst out of my bra and everything is too tight. I sense that my ass is so big you could rest a tray of donuts on it. I think everyone is staring at me because I must look like the fat lady from the circus. I'm awkward and clumsy. I drop everything I pick up. I trip over my own feet. I can't type, I can't spell, I can't dial the right numbers on the phone. I think about sex every ten seconds. So basically, every 28 days I go through puberty all over again. In the span of one day. And my husband wonders why I get so cranky. Someone get me a tray of nachos and a chocolate shake, please. And a force field that keeps people at least ten feet from me at all times. And a sign to put on my steering wheel that says "Remember: Road Rage Bad." Honey, I'm on my way home. Just a warning.