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Oh boy. It's Oscar Night. Yay.

Eh, I'm not really that excited. I think the only nominated movies I saw were RotK and Pirates. Plus, I hate award shows, especially the Oscars. Four hours of ego stroking and cleavage. I can get that at home. And the stroking is better. Well, I'm not going to let a little thing like lack of subject knowledge stop me from making predictions. I'm just going to make my forecast based on what movies I did see this year, and whatever random emotion strikes me at the time. Best picture:
Let's see, we've got Seabsicuit and Mystic River - two movies with titles that make you think of water - and Master and Commander, which takes place on the water. And then there's Lost in Translation, which, according to several top-notch reviewers of artsy movies in my family, was all wet. Which leaves us with - "The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King" Which was the best damn movie I saw this year, anyhow. Or any year. Best Actor: Ok. We've got Jude Law, Sean Penn, Bill Murray, Ben Kingsley and Johnny Depp. Which of these things is not like the other? Johnny Depp, of course. He's the only one with more than one syllable in his first name. Besides, he totally rocked in Pirates. Johnny Depp, "Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl" Best Actress: Not only did I not see any of the movies these gals are nominated for, I never heard of three of the nominated actresses. So I did what anyone would do in these circumstances. I Googled their pictures and chose the girl with the nicest rack: Charlize Theron, "Monster" Supporting actor: This one was easy. I've got the hots for Benico. Benicio Del Toro, "21 Grams" Supporting actress: Ok, this is getting boring. And I really don't want to see one more shot of Renee Z. with her half-closed eyelids. I mean, does the chick ever open her eyes all the way? Let's fast forward. Director: If Sofia Coppola wins instead of Peter Jackson, I swear to all that is sacred in this world that I personally hunt down every single Academy voter and...do something drastic. Stick a firecracker down their pants or something. You listening, Roger? Peter Jackson, "The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King" What can I say? Most of the movies I saw in 2003 were not of the Oscar variety. When they have an all-inclusive awards show that features categories like Best Horror Movie and Best Decapitation, I'll pay more attention. Until then, I'm going to go haunt Oliver's Oscar forum. I'm also going to play Emily's Oscar Drinking Game because, why just let the bottle of tequila sit there gathering dust? Jay is live blogging the show.


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Best Oscars ever!!!! Michael Moore gets crushed by a giant elephant/mastidon (okay Tolkien people, correct me on what those are actually called), even before the show starts!!!

Cleavage is good.

Best Performance by a Beast of War goes to the Marmuk/oliphaunt!

Captain Jack Sparrow was a british version of 'Dr Gonzo' from Fear and Loathing.

While it did absolutely rock, I'm not sure if it was Oscar material.

Give it to Kingsly.

They're called "mumakil". And yes, if only for that reason, Oscar this year 'had me at hello'.

ROTK 11 out of 11. F*cking Whoo-Hoo!

it's late...party is over but I agree Depp was brillant!

These are the films I usually end up renting. Oh well. I did see "Whale Rider," though, and I was impressed. Keisha Castle-Hughes was really good. Ordinarily I'm not keen on child actors (because they come across often as one-note performers), but she became the character and gave a very nuanced performance.

What's funny is that "Whale Rider" has the same premise as "Bend It Like Beckham," which is a complete piece of crap (girl growing up in an oppressive culture does something she's not supposed to be doing), while "Whale Rider" is a far superior film.