Eh, I'm not really that excited. I think the only nominated movies I saw were RotK and Pirates. Plus, I hate award shows, especially the Oscars. Four hours of ego stroking and cleavage. I can get that at home. And the stroking is better.
Well, I'm not going to let a little thing like lack of subject knowledge stop me from making predictions. I'm just going to make my forecast based on what movies I did see this year, and whatever random emotion strikes me at the time.
Let's see, we've got Seabsicuit
and Mystic River
- two movies with titles that make you think of water - and Master and Commander
, which takes place on the water. And then there's Lost in Translation,
which, according to several top-notch reviewers of artsy movies in my family, was all wet. Which leaves us with -
• "The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King"
Which was the best damn movie I saw this year, anyhow. Or any year.
Ok. We've got Jude Law, Sean Penn, Bill Murray, Ben Kingsley and Johnny Depp.
Which of these things is not like the other? Johnny Depp, of course. He's the only one with more than one syllable in his first name. Besides, he totally rocked in Pirates
• Johnny Depp, "Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl"
Not only did I not see any of the movies these gals are nominated for, I never heard of three of the nominated actresses. So I did what anyone would do in these circumstances. I Googled their pictures and chose the girl with the nicest rack:
• Charlize Theron, "Monster"
This one was easy. I've got the hots for Benico.
• Benicio Del Toro, "21 Grams"
Ok, this is getting boring. And I really don't want to see one more shot of Renee Z. with her half-closed eyelids. I mean, does the chick ever open her eyes all the way?
Let's fast forward.
If Sofia Coppola wins instead of Peter Jackson, I swear to all that is sacred in this world that I personally hunt down every single Academy voter and...do something drastic. Stick a firecracker down their pants or something. You listening, Roger
• Peter Jackson, "The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King"
What can I say? Most of the movies I saw in 2003 were not of the Oscar variety. When they have an all-inclusive awards show that features categories like Best Horror Movie and Best Decapitation, I'll pay more attention.
Until then, I'm going to go haunt Oliver's Oscar forum
I'm also going to play Emily's Oscar Drinking Game
because, why just let the bottle of tequila sit there gathering dust?
Jay is live blogging