- The Walt Disney Company announced yesterday that it has acquired the Muppets from the Jim Henson Company. While this is a boost to Disney's sagging empire, not everyone was thrilled about.
"I can't believe they would just sell us off like that," said a tearful Kermit. "Most of us had no-trade clauses in our contract, but I guess selling us off like garage sale items didn't fall under that clause." Kermit said the hardest part about leaving the Henson company will be leaving behind his friends at 123 Sesame Street. "I'm going to really miss that Snuffleupagus."
Miss Piggy was also seen crying, but ran to her dressing room and slammed the door when I tried to get a statement from her, but Sam the Eagle was all too eager to give his opinion. "The Disney guys are trying to be the Yankees of the entertainment world, just buying up talent instead of growing it from within. Roy Disney is Steinbrenner and the rest of the industry are just the Milwaukee Brewers."
And, just like the Yankee fans wondering who will really be playing third base Jeter or A-Rod, when spring training starts, Muppet fans are left wondering what role their favorites will play in the Disney lineup.
Wonder no more. A source inside the Disney studios managed to leak out a memo that details the plans for Kermit and company.
To: All Disney Programming Execs
From: Sir Eisner
Re: Placement of Muppet Characters
Now that we bought this pile of fur, we need to find something to do with it. I really just bought the Muppets to scare off Comcast. I heard the CEO is afraid of puppets. Anyhow, we got 'em, so let's use 'em. We'll spread them out among all of our holdings; ABC, Mirimax, ESPN - the whole show. Here are some of my ideas. I welcome changes and suggestion.
Hah. Fooled you. No I don't. What I say goes, so get busy.
Animal Three words: Pulp Fiction sequel. Nobody really likes Travolta.
Sam the Eagle - He's interchangeable with Sam Donaldson. Really, have you noticed how much they look alike? Donaldson can take a vacation or whatever he calls it when he checks into the mental health ward.
Waldorf & Statler - They'll do the red carpet show at the Academy Awards. You think Triumph is funny? Wait 'til you get a load of these guys. Canada will think they got off lucky. Sure, we'll make some enemies, but isn't that what the Disney Company is all about? Alienating people?
Rizzo - Say hello to the new starting center for the Anahiem Mighty Ducks.
Kermit - Welcome Kermie to the Monday Night Football broadcast booth. Smarter than Dennis Miller and less annoying than John Madden.
Piggy - Bachelorette, anyone? And we'll use celebrities as the bachelors. Someone see what Adam Baldwin is up to. I'm sure he could use the money.
Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem - House band for Jimmy Kimmel Live. Not only is Dr. Teeth better lookinig than Kimmel, he's got more personality in his felt mustache than Kimmel has in his whole body. And I bet that felt mustache has seen more action, too. While we're at it, let's just fire Kimmel and give the whole show over to Dr. Teeth and Animal. These puppets might be useful for something after all.
Fozzie - The new Iron Chef, live from China: Wokka Wokka Wokka! (Here I am, Fozzie Bear, to cook you steaks both well and rare!)
Meanwhile, PETA has released a statement condeming the selling of the muppets, saying, "The traffickign of animals for fun and profit is reprehensible. We demand that Piggy and Kermit be allowed to seek employment wherever they wish, instead of being treated like property." To which Piggy replied, "Kiss my fatty ass, PETA. I'm going to marry Adam Baldwin."