« am i evil? | Main | jesus christ pose »

The truth behind the Disney/Muppet Deal

Orlando, Florida - The Walt Disney Company announced yesterday that it has acquired the Muppets from the Jim Henson Company. While this is a boost to Disney's sagging empire, not everyone was thrilled about. "I can't believe they would just sell us off like that," said a tearful Kermit. "Most of us had no-trade clauses in our contract, but I guess selling us off like garage sale items didn't fall under that clause." Kermit said the hardest part about leaving the Henson company will be leaving behind his friends at 123 Sesame Street. "I'm going to really miss that Snuffleupagus." Miss Piggy was also seen crying, but ran to her dressing room and slammed the door when I tried to get a statement from her, but Sam the Eagle was all too eager to give his opinion. "The Disney guys are trying to be the Yankees of the entertainment world, just buying up talent instead of growing it from within. Roy Disney is Steinbrenner and the rest of the industry are just the Milwaukee Brewers." And, just like the Yankee fans wondering who will really be playing third base Jeter or A-Rod, when spring training starts, Muppet fans are left wondering what role their favorites will play in the Disney lineup. Wonder no more. A source inside the Disney studios managed to leak out a memo that details the plans for Kermit and company.
To: All Disney Programming Execs From: Sir Eisner Re: Placement of Muppet Characters Guys, Now that we bought this pile of fur, we need to find something to do with it. I really just bought the Muppets to scare off Comcast. I heard the CEO is afraid of puppets. Anyhow, we got 'em, so let's use 'em. We'll spread them out among all of our holdings; ABC, Mirimax, ESPN - the whole show. Here are some of my ideas. I welcome changes and suggestion. Hah. Fooled you. No I don't. What I say goes, so get busy. Animal Three words: Pulp Fiction sequel. Nobody really likes Travolta. Sam the Eagle - He's interchangeable with Sam Donaldson. Really, have you noticed how much they look alike? Donaldson can take a vacation or whatever he calls it when he checks into the mental health ward. Waldorf & Statler - They'll do the red carpet show at the Academy Awards. You think Triumph is funny? Wait 'til you get a load of these guys. Canada will think they got off lucky. Sure, we'll make some enemies, but isn't that what the Disney Company is all about? Alienating people? Rizzo - Say hello to the new starting center for the Anahiem Mighty Ducks. Kermit - Welcome Kermie to the Monday Night Football broadcast booth. Smarter than Dennis Miller and less annoying than John Madden. Piggy - Bachelorette, anyone? And we'll use celebrities as the bachelors. Someone see what Adam Baldwin is up to. I'm sure he could use the money. Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem - House band for Jimmy Kimmel Live. Not only is Dr. Teeth better lookinig than Kimmel, he's got more personality in his felt mustache than Kimmel has in his whole body. And I bet that felt mustache has seen more action, too. While we're at it, let's just fire Kimmel and give the whole show over to Dr. Teeth and Animal. These puppets might be useful for something after all. Fozzie - The new Iron Chef, live from China: Wokka Wokka Wokka! (Here I am, Fozzie Bear, to cook you steaks both well and rare!)
Meanwhile, PETA has released a statement condeming the selling of the muppets, saying, "The traffickign of animals for fun and profit is reprehensible. We demand that Piggy and Kermit be allowed to seek employment wherever they wish, instead of being treated like property." To which Piggy replied, "Kiss my fatty ass, PETA. I'm going to marry Adam Baldwin."

TrackBack

Listed below are links to weblogs that reference The truth behind the Disney/Muppet Deal:

» Deathmatch: Kermit Vs. Mickey from JimSpot
E! Online News - The Mouse Takes the Muppets Mickey's got some new Mouseketeers on his white-gloved hands. Disney announced... [Read More]

» Muppets Assimilated from dcthornton.com
Having sucked all the magic out of the fledgling Disney empire, Michael Eisner is making plans to feed on Jim... [Read More]

» HOW WILL THE MUPPETS FARE? from Heretical Ideas
Michele has done some investigative reporting and discovered just what role the Muppets will be playing now that they're owned by Disney.... [Read More]

» A Modern Political Fairy Tale from Sneakeasy's Joint
The all opinionated, all powerful, all seeing presence of the Bloggerverse that is INSTAPUNDIT has set his sights on terrorizing innocent little kiddies with new, modern takes, on their favorite Fairy Tales. I have come across a particularly horrifying... [Read More]

» A Modern Political Fairy Tale from Sneakeasy's Joint
The all opinionated, all powerful, all seeing presence of the Bloggerverse that is INSTAPUNDIT has set his sights on terrorizing innocent little kiddies with new, modern takes, on their favorite Fairy Tales. I have come across a particularly horrifying... [Read More]

Comments

Now, I'm gonna be thinknig about the Swedish Chef competing on Iron Chef half the day. Thanks.

My Predictions:

Kermit- Starts with a side-job on Oprah until he gets his own show.
Piggy- Baywatch or Tech TV.
Fozzie- Horrible bender, rehab, sit-com.
Gonzo- Sadly, he'll just pop up once in a while on VH1 or 1-800 Collect comercials.
Beaker- Queer Eye.
Scooter- Custodial Engineer for Lion King 3.

Michele,

Your copy of the memo must have been cut off:

Bert and Ernie- Outed in a grand ceremony for Gay Day at Walt Disney World

Ah, but the Sesame Muppets are staying put. They were not included in the sale.

Ooh! Dare we hope against hope that this is actually a good thing, and that we might see the Muppet Show on ABC?

Nah!

Loved the ending line. I always figured the Muppets and Disney were close, what with the Muppets at MGM Studios.

Still, Disney just keeps getting stranger and stranger.

Adam Baldwin? The guy who played Jayne Cobb on Firefly?

Or do you mean Alec Baldwin?

Hmmmm I see no mention of Fraggle Rock

Adam Baldwin will also be in several upcoming Angel episodes, although not as the Hero of Canton™. Joss is like Kevin Smith - once you're in one of his shows you're in all of 'em (certain divas excepted in both cases).

Just when I thought you couldn't get more brilliant...

Will Beeker (my personal fave) be replacing Noah What's-His-Name on ER?

My wife and I are already looking forward to the Firely movie.