[In light of all the political mud slinging and name calling of late, I present a repeat, by request of Stephen
. Slightly modified and updated. Original (from 10/3/03)here.
Everyone stop. Nobody write another word on Kerry and his touchy-feely hands. Nobody write another paragraph on Vietnam or the National Guard or muddy politics or dirty laundry. I don't want to hear anything else about who said what thirty years ago or who banged who last week. I don't want to read another magazine article with pictures that are so old they were chiseled in stone, showing one candidate or another wearing a beret of the wrong color or saluting in such a manner that deams him a socialist or hanging out with the wrong person.
Let's settle this right here. They are all pigs. Every last one of them. Why compare Kerry and Bush? Why give gossipers the time of day? Why bother digging up dirt on anyone when someone is going to turn around and dig up darker and chunkier dirt in the next minute?
Everyone is a pig. Everyone is a philanderer. Everyone is a dirty, disgusting, lying, cheating, conniving, scheming, backstabbing, drunk driving, epitaph uttering, Hitler loving, porn watching, inhaling, draft dodging, body burying freak. There. You're all on the same page now.
We get it. We see the skeletons tumbling out of the closets. We have seen your dirty laundry hanging on the line. We know. Everyone has the bones and soiled underwear. Everyone. And one person's dirty boxers is another's buried hooker.
Republicans, Democrats, Greens, Moonies, Commies, whatever you are, put down your pens and pencils and microphones and secret spy cameras. Put down the microfiche copies of thirty year old pay stubs.
And you, all of you election followers, all of you future and past voters and all of you media watchers. Why? Why do you care? What does it matter? When are you going to start asking the important questions instead of asking for bedroom secrets and compromising photographs?
Somebody please tell me what all these blathering, screaming children stand for
. I know who they are against. I know who they hate and who they deride and I know exactly what their opponents have done in the past to make their current reputations suspect.
But I don't know one god damned thing you people stand for
. I don't know what you want to do about education and taxes and crime and frankly, I don't care if you stuck a dildo up Hitler's ass in a past life or if your cleaning lady services you every weekend or if you were once a member of the Crips or Bloods. Just tell me about now. And don't tell me bout your opponent. Tell me about you
. What are you
going to do for me
besides frustrate and bore me with bawdy tales of your enemy's back office schemes? What are you going to do about homeland security besides bitch about it? What are you going to do about the Mid East besides complain about what's not
You're on my time here, folks. Unless you are going to say something about your platform, just shut up and stop playing Encyclopedia Brown with your opponent's background. Otherwise I'm going to stick my fingers in my ears and shout LALALALA I can't hear you
until I find a candidate -f rom any party - who is willing to say something of substance.
Election Day can't come and go soon enough.