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Contest Time: My Name is Lucas

Eh, I should remember that no one will get what that title references. han_200x144.gifSo, Dave says in the comments of the George Lucas post below: Wow... apparently lots of us need to vent. Maybe we need a Fuck George Lucas / Han Shoots First limerick contest or something? Sure, we could do something like that. In fact, we'll make it a free-for-all. The theme: George Lucas Sucks. Anything from Han and Greedo to JarJar to Ewoks to Lucas constantly giving fans the finger. The form: Anything. Epic poem, limerick, haiku, song parody, whatever form you want it to take. Prize: The satisfaction of venting. When: Now. thanks to mikey for the link to the original trilogy site


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What? Greedo shot first?
Are you fucking kidding me?
Drop dead, George Lucas.

My name is Lucas,
I live on the second floor...?

My brain is like dead today but I signed the petition.
And yeah, he lived on the 2nd floor. And don't worry, I won't ask you what it was because Greedo did not shoot first!!

George Lucas, you bastard, be cursed!
You ruin it when Greedo shoots first!
Fuck JarJar Binks,
Christensen stinks,
May your nuts get infected and burst.

george lucas listen,
you lameass wanking fuckstain,
release old versions.

a new hope we have
for your head on a platter
damn new versions suck

han solo, badass
greedo, green bounty hunter
Bang. One shot, One Kill.

under the table
he aims the blaster and fires
Not second, but first.

May I?

There once was a bastard named Lucas
Whose head was rammed firm up his tuckus.
But what's really worse -
That Greedo shoots first,
Or that George doesn't CARE if it suckus?

Uh, thangkyuh. Thangkyuh verrah much.

I've got a bad feeling about this...

Gather round my children, and I'll spin a tale,
Of Star Wars, and Lucas and the prequels that fail.

Star Wars gave us Chewie, and Han and Artoo
And a gay robot, Threepio, which was something quite new.

It was a grand great adventure, that first trilogy,
And it made Lucas money, a large chunk from me.

Then Lucas got greedy, as is often the case,
He remade the damn movies, and did so with straight face.

The new "extra" scenes, they all competed for worst,
Then there was Greedo, shooting at Han fucking first.

You'd think it impossible, to outdumb the Ewoks,
But then Lucas made Jar Jar, and I hurt when he talks.

One film remains, and I kind of hope that it tanks,
But that won't stop Lucus, from doing fucking remakes.

With a wave of the digital wand
Greedo now shoots before Han
You messed up the flick
George Lucas, you prick
Why don't you go hump a Tantan?

oops, my bad. it's spelled tauntaun.

Those who hate Lucas are so out of luck
In his films he decided to muck
Made Greedo shoot first
But do you know what's worst?
Next time he'll add Daffy Duck.

Some people call Han
The space cowboy. Is Greedo
The gangster of love?

Skywalker, Alderann, the Sith have got an evil plan...

new ones not so fun, now we have a wussy Han...

3pio gay robot,Vader as a killer tot

Ewoks!, Jar Jar Binks!, something with the franchise stinks!

We didn't write the saga
But if we had, it wouldn't stink so bad

We didn't write the saga
George wanted his fee instead keeping it three

We didn't write the saga
We have the yearn but Lucas rather burn

I saw the new Empire Strikes Back
George Lucas had tried a new tack
Made Luke Skywalker scream
weirder than Howard Dean
So obscene that I had to yell "Frak!"

There once was a chinless dork, Lucas
Who screwed all his fans in the tuccus
For more bucks he was fishin'
Fuck the "Special Edition"
Let him die by 12 Superfly Snukas

Michele, you consistently underestimate us. To think none of us would be Suzanne Vega fans. tsk. tsk.

Han shoots first, eh, eh?
Liberals / conservatives
Agreed - change sucks

I don't have a clue
of this thing with George Lucas
But it's LUKA, folks

amen, sondrak

Maybe in the next version Han will shoot greedo with a walkie talkie.

I'll get to the Lucas (non)hating later...

for now, I have one question for you, Michele....


I'm with Jim. We'd have to be pop-culture illiterate not to get a blatent Suzanne Vega reference. What's next, Tracy Chapman?

For immediate release:
For corrupting the Holy Text of Star Wars the Supreme Islamic Council of Iran issues the following fatwah to all true believers:

(sung to Mojo Nixon's 'Don Henley must die')
George Lucas must die.
Don't let him change the shootout, don't make it a tie.
George Lucas must die!

Supreme Jawa Leader Ayatollah Ali Khameini

i tend to take it a little easier on the Ewoks since i found out Lisa Umbarger (Toadies bassist) bought her first bass and amp with the money she made as an extra playing an ewok when she was like 11.

Ah, George did once create a man,
Self-seeking—and yet noble, Han.
Now trembling to a later ban,
This craven seeks redemption.

His stellar trader, sharp of eye
To any threat or danger nigh,
Now balked by Marin’s PCd guy
and barred from shrewd preemption.

show off.

Geez, no one takes into consideration that Han apologized for leaving Greedo's goo all around. I think that was super-nice of him and he gets no credit...

Ooh, Stephen, upping the bar I see. Let me try. . .

Breathes there the man with soul so dead,
Who never to himself hath said,
This is my own, my native Han!
Whose heart hath ne'er within him burn'd,
As he watched the footage Lucas hath turn'd
From a masterpiece to something bland!
If such there breathe, go, mark him well;
For him there's but Jar Jar in Star Wars hell;
High though he his, he points no Lucas blame,
Boundless his denial as wish can claim;
Despite those bong hits, and action figures on shelf,
The wretch, content to be a mental elf,
Living, shall forfeit Han's renown,
And, content with Greedo shooting first, shall go down
To the vile dust, from whence he sprung,
Unwept, unhonored, and unsung.

(With apologies to Sir Walter Scott)

Whoa! Well done, Ryan and Steven!

Well, if we're getting all fancy-dancy here, let me first do to Lord Byron what Lucas did to his films:

She walks in a metal bikini
like the Jedi Knight
of cloudless climes and starry skies,
and all that's best of sides Dark and Light
are in her headbuns and her eyes.

Or the classic:

D2, R2-D2: that is the question
Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer
the slings and arrows of outrageous Ewoks
Or to take arms against special editions
And by opposing end them? To die, to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That film is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep perchance to dream: ay, there's the jub-jub.
For in that sleep of geeks what dreams may come
When we have fixed the hyperdrive coil
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes Vader want us alive.

Nope, Ryan and Stephen, you guys do it better. I salute you.

hm I think I should have posted this much earlier; after reading the previous entries, I suddenly feel very inadequate.

Oh, what the hell.

S is for Star Wars...a dazzling tale
E is for Empire. Defeat it! Don't fail!
L is for Lucas...or lucre...or loot
L is us, laughing; seeing Solo first shoot
O is for outrage. How could George? and why???
U means understand this...we're not buying the lie
and T? T is for thanks, pal. I mean it. You're tops. Hey, next do you think you could sanitize "COPS"?


Good idea sharply drawn, with good and motional scan.

I don't see "inadequate."

Do more.

Thank you, Stephen!

all you uber nerds....go finish your fillet o' fish and eat peanut m&m's thru out the galaxy!!!