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the last of the thanksgiving advice: Martyrs and Porn

turkey5.gifI am a deity worshipped by a religious minority. It is not imporant which religion; suffice it to say, it happens to be the one true faith, which is why adherents of other, shittier religions are constantly persecuting us. My question is this: Are my followers and I supposed to sit there tomorrow and eat our turkey complacently while this persecution is occurring? Or should we round up a few buddies and "crash" the Thanksgiving Day parade? Please help!

---Allah

I bet Dear Abby never had Allah write her for advice.

Here's what you should do: You enter a float into the Thanksgiving Day parade. Then you get yourselves a deathmobile and disguise it as a float. Get creative with your deathmobile. Write "Praise Allah" on the hood or take it to a custom van shop and have some aging hippie airbrush a picture of 72 virgins on the side of the car. In fact, you should call it a MartyrMobile. Then, you cover up the MartyrMobile with something cute like a giant cake, except you inscribe the words "Deat to Infidels" on the cake.

I won't tell you how to use this float/death car to enhance your enjoyment of the parade (which I assume would include the death of many infidels), but I do have one word for you: marbles.

turkey5.gifWhat should I use to greet my mixed-race friends? "Fo' shizzle, my nizzle!" and "Alrighty, my whitey!" are too limited.

---Chris

Thanksgiving should be a day when we are all one race, one color, one proud nation of brothers and sisters joining together as a family. The simple way to avoid any hurt feelings is to greet everyone with a generic Hello, my friend who is, for all intents and purposes on this very day, an American. If that is too long you can always use my standard holiday greeting: I hope you brought your own beer, beeyotch!

turkey5.gifIt seems likely that tomorrow will be a blog and band message board-free day for me. Any advice on how best to cope with the computer cold-turkey on Turkey Day, oh wise goddess of the miniscule triumph?

---MikeR

There's always porn, Mike. Porn never takes a holiday. Grab a box of tissues, a bottle of hand lotion, and settle in for a nice, long day with girls who give a whole new meaning to the phrase "Gobble Gobble!"

turkey5.gifShould you spend ALL of your time surfing the Web, playing Medal of Honor and watching the 4-hour extended edition of the Two Towers while your wife prepares the Thanksgiving feast? Or should you reserve some time for reading comics?

---Solonor

Don't worry about the comics, Solonor. There will be plenty of time for that when your wife kicks you out and you are living in a rat-infested motel where the only Medal of Honor is the 1946 Chamber of Commerce certificate hanging up in the front office.

Comments

Well, your sageness, porn certainly is one of the things for which I must remember to give thanks on this day. ;-)

However, the course of my day will be more like: go to mom & dad's house, watch the parades and look over tomorrow's sale ads with mom, eat much turkey, noodles, hot rolls, etc., watch football with dad. Perhaps not the most glittering itinerary, but I do love my family and our Thanksgiving traditions. Hope you have a good one...

I've been sending copies of these Q&A to my friends. Funny.

I am very happy, to find a site like this. I hope
that i can learn a lot for my children. Many greatings from germany.
Ben