thanksgiving advice(5): Commies and flaming grandma
I just found out that my parents have invited some friends to our Thanksgiving dinner. I've never met the couple in question, but it seems that the husband is a retired CIA officer. Would it be bad form to excitedly ask him how many commie bastards he's killed, immediately after the prayer?
Of course you can ask him, but you have to word it in CIA code. I've asked my sources in the Pentagon, and they told me you should say this:
Sir, may I inquire as to how many points you scored in the simulated combat game Kill the Commies? Take his answer, divide by 8, subtract 22, multiply by the square root of the number of notches on his belt, and you'll have your answer.
He may have to kill you, though.
When your elderly grandmother pulls out an article from 1993 and proceeds to read all three columns of it during dessert; when is it appropriate to commit hari-kari?
Oh BTW, the subject of the article? Rat mating habits. No, I'm not making this up.
Brian, committing hari-kari would be a selfish act. Sure, you may be dead and out of range of hearing from your grandmother, but the rest of your family still has to suffer. Simply light the newspaper on fire when she starts reading. You may want to douse your grandmother in gasoline beforehand.