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no time for love, dr. jones

taf.gifBecause I am a selfless and giving human being, and because I am wise beyond my years and becaus I really have nothing else to do the rest of the day or night except avoid cleaning the house, I have decided to devote my time to you, in order that your Thanksgiving may be the best Thanksgiving possible.

I am opening up the phone lines (ok, comment lines) for your Thanksgiving questions. Ok, so I don't know how to baste a turkey and I'm not sure what side of the dish your salad fork goes on, but I am chock full of insight and knowledge when it comes to all things family.

If you have any questions about spending time with relatives - for instance, Is it polite to use grandpa's wheelchair to carry the dirty dishes into the kitchen, or Is it ok to have sex in the coat room - just ask away. I can deal with any issues concerning keeping the family peace and, conversely, adding some spice to your Thanksgiving meal (i.e, with inappropriate prayers of thanks). I also advise on how to get through a meal that tastes like crap and how to avoid taking part in the clean up activities.

I'm yours for the rest of the evening. The doctor is in.

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Comments

white or dark meat?

Okay, I got one for you:

In the event that my husband and in-laws are drunk as lords by four pm and start a huge intra-family fight, the details of which span the last forty years, am I justified in kicking them all out? Just flat out turning them out of the house until they can behave? Or should I quietly slink off to my room, lock the door, pop a valium, smoke a bowl, and refuse to come out until they shut the hell up?

What do you recommend, O Thanksgiving Advisor?

it's not actually thanksgiving over here, but i still have to confront this issue often, so i'll take advantage of the opportunity for advice.

what do you do when your grandfather starts discussing his affection for hitler at the dinner table, and there's a lot of company there, some of which are very elderly people who suffered under stalin and percieve people who are anti-hitler to be stalin sympathizers? do i continue to keep my mouth shut and rant online later, or do i...engage the issue, keeping in mind that my grandfather is a...politically passionate...man?

yeah, holidays are interesting at my house.

If someone makes parallels between the Pilgrims taking Indian land to the Jews taking Arab land, can you beat them with a sack full of canned yams until they die?

Etiquette Question:

I just found out that my parents have invited some friends to our Thanksgiving dinner. I've never met the couple in question, but it seems that the husband is a retired CIA officer. Would it be bad form to excitedly ask him how many commie bastards he's killed, immediately after the prayer?

Is it okay to take my dinner into my room and read blogs while I eat?

Who will win the Dallas/Miami game Thanksgiving Day?

Hi Michele. Usually family holidays when everyone is actually together in our extended-family home (Mom and Stepdad, Sis and her brood, and fesity me) are the most tense, since it's during days like Thanksgiving that everyone is actually with everyone else.

What is the polite thing to do when the unavoidable Massive Family Conflict™ over the dinner table that ends in "Fine!" "Fine!" happens? Does everyone silently stuff their faces? Or does everyone go their separate ways to the Thanksgiving Party that each person's friends invited them to? (Sister gets to stay at her house with her nest.)

When bludgeoning members of the Tin-foil hat brigade, what is the best implement of blunt-force trauma? Does it differ for those on the left and right?

I've heard vicious rumours that I should cook my turkey breast side down. This just seems wrong to me. Do you have any breast preferences?

Why do they always have Godzilla (aka Gozero) TV film festivals on Thanksgiving?

What should I use to greet my mixed-race friends? "Fo' shizzle, my nizzle!" and "Alrighty, my whitey!" are too limited.

Forks that are used at the main dinner are put on the left of the plate. Since Americans tend to eat salad first (for some unknown reason) the salad fork, in an American place setting, is the leftmost of the forks, as the silverware is set up with the outermost to be used first and the innermost to be used last.
Of course, most Americans don't have salad forks anyway, so the salad fork is normally indistinguishable from the dinner fork. In which case you can just nudge the dinner fork to the right and pretend you picked up the right one...

Sincerely,
Miss Manners ;)

I'm starting to feel no love here. I paid my nickel (virtually).

When your elderly grandmother pulls out an article from 1993 and proceeds to read all three columns of it during dessert; when is it appropriate to commit hari-kari?

Oh BTW, the subject of the article? Rat mating habits. No, I'm not making this up.

Thanksgiving is at my mom's house (aka Chaos Central). No one, including my mom, knows what time dinner will be ready. If I wait for them to call when dinner is ready, I risk missing it completely when everyone assumes that someone else called me. What do you advise, O Great Pumpkin Pie?

Should you spend ALL of your time surfing the Web, playing Medal of Honor and watching the 4-hour extended edition of the Two Towers while your wife prepares the Thanksgiving feast? Or should you reserve some time for reading comics?

What do you make of this?

http://themonkeyboylovescheese.mu.nu/archives/007445.html

Meryl,
In the off chance that an ancient race of dying aliens lands at the family Thanksgiving party, and gives me the choice of either letting their entire race die, along with their billions of years of collected wisdom or sacrificing the entire human race, save 2 or 3 thousand of my closest friends, and thus curing them, what would be the proper color of shoes to go with a beer stained wife beater t-shirt and plaid FUBU pants?

I am very happy, to find a site like this. I hope
that i can learn a lot for my children. Many greatings from germany.
Ben