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have yourself a politically correct christmas

I was thinking again about the politically correct crowd and how they all but ruin every holiday. Thanksgiving, Halloween, Christmas...no amount of fun can be had without first checking with the ACLU to see if there is someone who may be insulted by your festivities, costumes or decorations.

Suppose we gave into them? What would the holiday season be like? What would we sing? What kind of presents could we give? How would we decorate? What about our favorite holiday television shows and movies?

So, here's a challenge for you while I'm out today (I won't be back until later this evening). Try to envision a politically correct holiday season (meaning from Thanksgiving until New Year).

For instance, you could change the title of Frosty the Snowman to Frosty the Snowperson of An Indistinguishable Gender. You could change the lyrics if you want. Do the same for movies, tv shows or books. Imagine what kind of presents you could give - or not give, or what the decorations would look like.

I did this with songs last year, I'm just widening the scope this time.

You've got about seven hours to come up with some good stuff. I'm going to take the best responses and make a Politically Correct Holiday Story.

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» Tis the season from Amish Tech Support
Here I am, wonder if there will be a Ho-Ho-Holy Shit collaborative blog like last year, and Michele throws up a teaser challenge for politically correct Holiday music, movie, and specials. She will take the best entries and make a... [Read More]

» I'm Dreaming of a Color-Blind Winter Holiday from Plum Crazy
Michele has issued a challenge to envision a completely politically correct holiday season. My contributions, thus far: The title of... [Read More]

» PC Channukah from Amish Tech Support
In an entry below Laurence repeat's Michelle's call for PC holiday stories. Can any Yiddim out there help me with a PC Channukah?... [Read More]

» Happy Winter Solstice Celebration from Blogmosis
For those of us who need to attend anger management classes because Wal-Mart had, standing next to the door greeters,... [Read More]

» Sins Of The Stag Father from dcthornton.com
Michele sees an a hidden agenda behind the "Animagic" classic, Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer:When Rudolph is first discovered to have... [Read More]

» Have Yourself a PC Little Christmas from damnum absque injuria
If you have any ideas as to what a PC, ACLU-approved Christmas might look like, get your butt over to Michelle's place ASAP.... [Read More]

» Frosty the Snowperson of An Indistinguishable Gender from Number 2 Pencil
Those of you who are parents will appreciate this (if you live in Skokie, IL, you'll really appreciate it). Michele of A Small Victory puts out the word that she's running a contest to see who can best envision a... [Read More]

» Have yourself a non-offensive holiday from joannejacobs.com
Go to Small Victory for the envision a politically correct holiday season contest. Like Kimberly, I'm fond of this version of "Walking Through a Winter Wonderland": In the meadow we can build a snowperson, Then pretend that he or she... [Read More]

» I'm Dreaming (Of a Politically Correct Holiday Season) from camedwards.com
just like the ones I used to know... Michele's taking suggestions for politically correct Christmas songs, poems, titles, etc.. Here's my contribution (it references one of those politically correct weenies who posts on her site). Silent night, secular... [Read More]

» Sins Of The Stag Father from dcthornton.com
Michele sees a hidden agenda* behind the "Animagic" classic, Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer:When Rudolph is first discovered to have the... [Read More]

» P.C. Winter Wonderland from :: blogging: mccord style ::
Oh man. This is so funny...practically wetting my pants reading all these PC takes on Christmas. From House of Plum.com Sleigh bells ring, are you listening, In the lane, snow is glistening A beautiful, but this is not to imply [Read More]

» PC holiday from Blogitorial
How to have a politically correct holiday season.... [Read More]

» Happy Non-denominational Winter Celebratory Day from idle thoughts
Happy Chrismahanukwanzukah, etc.. to all on this day of celebration and gift giving. For more politically correct musings on this festive time check out A Small Victory. [Read More]

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The Grinch Who Allegedly Stole Christmas

The Grinch Who Redistributed to the Poor the Holiday Season

And a song: "O Occupied Town of Bethlehem."

Twas the night before a non-demonimational celebratory day, when all through the residential dwelling of no particular size or shape, not a creature was stirring, not even an evolutionary small furry creature who must be respected.

The hosiery which may be worn by any person regardless of gender was hung (in a gentle manner using recyclable materials) by the chimney with care, in hopes that a follically enhanced person of large stature soon would be there.

The younger but equally valuable members of the family were nestled (most respectfully and without the possibility of a spanking) all snug in their beds/cots/sleeping-bags, while non-drug induced and perfectly acceptable visions of generic fruit danced in the most non-suggestive manner in their heads.

And the female head of household in her kerchief/cap/headwear of choice, and I in my kerchief/cap/headwear of choice, had just settled down for a long winter's nap.

When out on the lawn/sidewalk/street/space not enclosed by walls, there arose such a noise of undeterminable origin, I sprang from my bed/cot/sleeping bag to see what was the cause of this noise. Away to the window I flew like something that moves quickly, carefully opened the shutters/curtains/blinds and/or simply looked out the unadorned by any materialitic objects window.

OK I can't take anymore. Someone pick up the rest?

This reminds me of the old Stan Freberg bit on "Old Man River" which ended up being "Elderly Man River"...the whole song was changed to be "politically correct" in an age when nobody had heard of political correctness. Very funny.

1)-Three wise men, lawyers all, representing oppressed minorities for the ACLU, saw a bright light in the sky, and traveled toward it, in a caravan configured Mercedes-Lexus-Mercedes, and found themselves awestruck at the spectacle of a shining beacon: The Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals.

2)-Updated song lyric: Born is the king of the Zionist Entity occupying Palestine.

I'm dreaming of a color-blind winter holiday

Sleigh bells ring, are you listening,
In the lane, snow is glistening
A beautiful, but this is not to imply that a lane without snow would also not be beautiful, sight,
We're happy tonight.
Traversing through a winter wonderland.

Gone away is the non-color-specific-bird,
Here to stay is a new bird
He or she sings a love song,
As we go along,
Traversing through a winter wonderland.

In the meadow we can build a snowperson,
Then pretend that he or she is a member of the clergy from the religion of your choice or, if you prefer, a justice of the peace.

He or she'll say: Are you married?
We'll say: No person,
Because marriage is a paternalistic construct
Designed to suppress women

Later on, we'll conspire,
As we dream by the fire
To face unafraid,
The plans that we've made,
Traversing through a winter wonderland.

In the meadow we can build a snowperson,
And pretend that he or she's a circus clown
We'll have lots of fun with Mr./Ms./Miss/Mrs. Snowperson,
Until the alligators knock him or her down.

When it snows, ain't it thrilling,
Though your nose gets a chilling
We'll frolic and play, the Arctic Native American way,
Traversing through a winter wonderland.

Traversing through a winter wonderland,
Traversing through a winter wonderland.

Rudolph, the alternately-capable nosed Reindeer.

Excuse me, should've added: and the Island of the Unique Toys.

Story of the Two Persons Who Are Both Beautiful on the Inside and the Singing Candlestick.

To amend Faith's excellent beginning to the traditional story, it should have read,

"And my lifestyle partner in her kerchief/cap/headwear of choice..."

This stuff is making me sick - how about a politically erect Christmas instead?

Song: The Size-challenged Percussionist Male Child.

Good catch, Jennifer. What was I thinking using the word "female"?????

:)

"Scrooge! I am the post-life incarnation of Holiday Season's Future!" This heart-beat disadvantaged person showed Scrooge the future, and Scrooge became a more inclusive person. "Happy Holidays, Cratchit! I'm giving you a raise! And a hybrid car! And supporting a national healthcare initiative to take care of Anatomically Compact Tim!"

Then there are the songs:
"Chestnuts roasting on a solar powered grill..."

"Don we now our metrosexual apparel, Falalalalala..."

"We three authority figures of an area referred to as 'the Orient' by Western imperialists to define and therefore control people with a cultural construct (I mean if you'd read any of Said's work you'd understand it's all post-colonialism) are..."

We three patriachal males who wield supreme executive power on a hereditary basis from the middle east are.

"The lack of common-sense child safety mechanisms will cause the assault weapon to discharge improperly, leaving you differently-sighted!"

Don't go tell it on the mountain, over the hills and everywhere, because that would be forcing our belief structures on persons who have their own cultures and values that are as valid as ours.

Hark how the bells, sweet silver bells, all seem to say "Throw cares away!" with the aid of ritalin or another doctor prescribed mood stabilizer, but not with any illegal substances, because we have a zero tolerance policy.

Brendan wins for the reference to the Red Rider BB Gun.

Diety of choice, or simply Nature rest ye merry gentle (yet strong and capable) people, let nothing you dismay;

Remember, a figure of history and literature to whom some attribute deity-like characteristics was born upon this day,

To save those of us who believe in being saved instead of engaging in self-empowerment, from (the much maligned and allegedly evil) Satan's power when we were perceived, or perceived ourselves, to have Gone astray,

O tidings of affirmation and joy, affirmation and joy,
O tidings of affirmation and joy.

You don't need to watch out
You can cry all the time
Keep a permanent pout
I'm tellin' you why

Santa Claus is a performance-neutral giver.

You could change "Frosty, the snowperson of indeterminate gender" to "Pat, the snowperson formerly known as Frosty"...

The depressed person with a heart problem, who emancipated the rights of non-christians.

Didn't they do this on an episode of South Park, where they did the non-denominational, winter holiday pageant? If I hadn't drunk so much this weekend, I could remember it better.

The Unexplainable Occurrence on 34th Street

This is not original but it does fit the category:

Rudolph was a four-hoofed ungulate, who, incidentally, possessed a nasal appendage of a maroon luster. Consequently, if circumstances were to present themselves that he ever came into your view, you would most undoubtedly remark at to its luminary qualities.

The multitude of other members of the population in his ecological community had previously teased, chuckled boisterously, and dubbed him unspeakable pseudonyms -- the objective of which was to lower his self-esteem and make him miserable. They also excluded him from participation in leisure activities consistent with their species.

However, on the twenty-fourth of December in an unspecified year, a mythological, supernatural being inherent to western culture (who symbolizes the Christmas attitude and allegedly brings gifts to children) arrived through the supersaturated, humid air, spoke to Rudolph and formally invited him, due to his extraordinary nasal characteristic to stand at the forefront of his snow vehicle with the express purpose that he navigate through the nocturnal mist.

At that point, the multitude of other members of the population in his ecological community who had previously teased, chuckled boisterously, and dubbed him unspeakable pseudonyms, reversed their disposition toward Rudolph to a more congenial, amicable relationship. They consequently exclaimed with great exaltation and fervor, "Rudolph, the antlered mammal with a maroon nasal appendage, you shall most certainly be recorded in the annals of time, and your memory will be preserved for posterity!

Lordy, the old chestnut of "the ACLU is runing Christmas" again. No, it's that we don't want tax dollars paying for a religious holiday. It's not anti-Christian, it's not anti-fun, it's merely watching out for constant attempts by municipalities to promote religion using my money.

The Finn Who Stole the Politically Correct Christmas Post.

Brendan is clearly the hero of this post.

Don't forget Mr. Hankey. He's non-denominational. Also, Cartman's song "Kyle's Mom is a Bitch" originated as a non-sectarian Christmas carol.

I'm just tired of being treated like a Grinch for asking for a refund for the money I'm paying for a religious holiday. Is that so wrong? :)

... And the Carbon-based life form of XY genetic configuration who was called Joseph, along with his promised XX configuration life-partner called Mary, who was bound to him in involuntary contractual domiciliary servitude by the prevailing patriarchal monotheistic belief system of the region, travelled to a middle eastern village called Bethlehem, which was under military occupation by forces from a brutal Mediterranean Imperialistic Regime.

The XX life-form's reproductive organs were presently in a gravid state, secondary to an unsubstantiated supernatural zygote implantation of undetermined origin....

want more????? :)

Mr. Finn: yes it is.

Silent night, solstice night,
All is calm, all is bright,
'Round yon Wiccan parent and child,
Female infant so tender and mild,
Sleep in feminist peace,
Sleep in feminist peace.

...The presence of said zygote automatically rendered her bodily self-autonomy and individual integrity null and void, thus forcing her into submission to the will of the State regarding her reproductive status.

While the two were classified as non-resident aliens in this region of Bethlehem, the XX Mary’s gestational cycle was complete. She expelled from her body an immature carbon-based life form of XY male configuration, and wrapped it in unbleached linen, which was handwoven by indigenous peoples from locally and organically grown flax(no animals were harmed during its production). She laid the offspring in a feedbox for domesticated ruminants, which was not approved by the Consumer Product Safety Commission for use as a human post-partum infant storage vessel. This nevertheless would not exempt the legal owner of said feedbox from liability should harm come to said infant during the time period that the gynoid and android progenitors were illegally trespassing on the premises...

...Said premises were also not approved for human habitation, however a temporary waiver was granted by the local housing authority due to a shortage of short-term housing options for indigent and low-income families.

Meanwhile, other indigent and subsistence-level members of the proletariat were also outdoors in substandard conditions, tending to their fiber-enhanced ruminant charges outside of the reaches of local zoning ordinances. When suddenly, a spectral apparition appeared and spread luminosity throughout the entire company, which was without ANSA approved eye protection. “Dampen down your adrenaline influenced reflexes” the apparition commanded, “because I bring you information which will stimulate your serotonin and endorphin receptors in such a way as to produce a semi-euphoric state. Today, in the ancestral town of a king of legend in monotheistic oral tradition, a liberator of hostile oppression has been born by supernatural-human zygote transer. You will find confirmation of this announcement by visualization of an immature neonate clothed in organically processed linen, and reclining in a non-CPSC approved feedbox.

Immediately there appeared multitudinous hordes of additional spectral apparitions, vocalizing harmonious reverberations and announcing “ Praises to the supernatural deity of personal preference, and serenity and personal centeredness to all terrestrial occupants, regardless of gender, occupation, ethnic origin, sexual orientation, or shoe size ”

"Yes, Virginia, it is possible that there is a Santa Claus, but the theory is unfalsifiable and therefore a bad one."

Reasons I hate Chr****** (that holiday):

1. The “savior” is always male.
2. The current racist-imperialist occupation of Bethlehem is never discussed.
3. Gift-giving discriminates in favor of the rich and powerful, and thus against single mothers, persons of color, and the differently-abled.
4. The role of African-Americans from Africa in the Roman Empire is never recognized. The story is thus exclusionary and harmful to the sensitivities of some children.
5. Mary limits her career choices by having a baby.

Reasons I love that holiday:
1. I can use the days off to observe Solstice
2. I enjoy writing nasty letters to government agencies, telling them to remove any and all observable displays of trees, wreaths, angels, etc. (I love walking into a public building with a *-mas tree and saying “I don’t feel welcome here.”).
3. Men are not assumed to be “wise”, the 3 male astrologers must be qualified as being “wise”, although the fact they study alternate spirituality pretty much speaks for itself, and the fact they come from a different land is a good lesson in multi-culturalism.
4. Santa is differently-sized and proud of it.
5. So much to bitch about, so little time.

"Heather saw her two mommies kissing Mrs. Santa Claus."

Silent night, secular night
All is calm, no Christmas lights
there's no virgin Mother and Child
no Holy infant so tender and mild
Finn sleeps in earthly intolerance
Finn sleeps in earthly intolerance.

Silent night, secular night,
Do-gooders quake at the sight.
Glories stream from studios afar,
Clay Aiken hosts sing Alleluia;
a disposable pop star is born;
a disposable pop star is born.

Silent night, secular night,
Son of Man, thinks he knows what is right.
Ignorance streams from thy bony face,
With no hope of redeeming grace,
Jesus, look at this clown;
Jesus, please smote this clown. :)

Bev: I'm a Freberg fan and know the routine well. But "elderly" is now politically incorrect! That's according to a glossary in the book, "The Language Police" by Diane Ravitch. It was compiled from "bias guidelines issued by major educational publishers and state agencies. The guidelines are used by writers, editors, and illustrators when preparing textbooks and tests for K-12 students."

Mr. Finn: do you feel the same way about Jewish menorahs and the Islamic crescent and star? If so, then New York City is also wrong in your view, correct?

(to the tune of Santa Claus is coming to town)
We recommend that you be observant
We recommend that you not partake in excretion of liquid from your eyes
We recommend that you not be offensive to minorities
We recommend this at this time as
A horizontally and age challenged sexist pig man may be trespassing in town.

Christmas is brought onto the unsuspecting proletariat masses by extremist members of the greedy right wing global economic capitalist conspiracy. This extremism exploits the sub-conciousness of the working classes through an incessant barage of brainwashing via the capitalist controlled electonic media. This brainwashing encourages the already econically oppressed proletariat to overspend more of their needed day to day funds to the point of using the capitalistic covert devices of permanent economic slavery, namely the almighty credit card. This spending is on goods that the global econonic capitalists in the developed industrialized world has forced the third world developing nations's further oppressed proletariat to produce through slave labor wages and substandard working and living conditions. This industrial overload of mass product generation of goods futher contributes to the pollution of this world and adds more green house gases that are causing global warming to vastly increase.

This is no, "S$#&" (excrement deleted)

So, this Christmas save a buck or two, don't practice Christmas, Hanukkah, Kawnza, or any Pagan Solstice, etc. Go out and celebrate a snowflake, it's cheaper and doesn't contibute to the further enslavement of an over worked, an over oppressed, and an over stressed proletariat. It also reduces the world's coversion into a cesspool.

I run this up your Politically Correct Flag Pole and I stand around and see who salutes it.

"Not Politically Correct, World Revolutionary,
Me".


12/18/03
PCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPC
HEADLINE NEWS
PCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPC

The Politically Correct Computer is Now Shipping!
[But hang on to your old computer; it’s just a matter of time …]

Manufacturers are being forced to make the politically correct computer. Here’s what’s happening.

The Father Board and Son Board are suing the Mother Board and Daughter Board because they weren’t getting the name recognition they deserved. The ruling was upheld, but the judge commented that they were probably just envious because they couldn’t find a box into which they could get screwed.

The Hard Drive was convicted and sentenced without a trial and the Floppy Drive had a limp case. But it didn’t matter because, at their end, they could not figure out how to get connected to the new “Devices Holder Device” because the Male and Female connectors were forced to give up their gender and couldn’t get married again - they are suing too. Commensurately the Master Drives are being sued by the Slave Drives they want equal rights, a deserved place in the history books, and reparations.

The power hungry supply couldn’t win either, its red, black, yellow, brown wires were not the right quantities and order – they tried using all white wires but that was even worse when they tried to figure out what went wrong.

The CD wouldn’t be inserted into the drive when it learned that it was going to be “burned” so that would not work any more. The external drive was offended because it wasn’t on the “inside”, it withheld its services as well.

Because of all of this the internet saw it coming and stopped working because the sockets refused to get connected to exchange their bytes. They couldn’t even get connect for bits or nibbles, forget about the words or string conversations.

It’s OK though. Our company has released a new PCPC, you can’t actually use it though, it’s transparent, made from all organic materials and only tries to compute if there are no humans around that might be offended. The world is now a much better place. We’re now shipping these at $12.00 each. They can be delivered by Christmas!

And you thought PC stood for “Personal Computer.”
PCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPCPC

The twelve days of All-inclusive Winter festival with no specifically Christian overtones:

12th day: twelve Lords stripped of their titles, as they are not in accordance with democratic principles

11th day; pipers piping Scottish laments in rememberance of English imperial aggression.

10th day: maids a-milking, and lads too, as the profession of dairy person is open to all regardless of gender.

9th day: ladies joining a consciousness raising roup

8th day: swans a-swimming in an environmentally sound leisure recreation area open to all regardless of sexual orientation.

7th day: geese a-laying eggs which vegans will take home and protect from speciesism

6th day: a free day for inter-religious dialogue in a non- judgemental spirit.

5th day: five wooden rings, (No gold; we're conserving resources)

4th day: calling-birds (don't know what they are, so probably OK, but we'll be monitoring the ongoing situation)

3rd day: French hens (or any other nationality, since all ethnic groups are equally valuable)

2nd day: two turtle doves, who may, of course, be lesbian or gay.

And

A partridge in a pear tree,surrounded by vegetarians determined to protect him at all costs.

Ok - I'm gonna take the bait and salute Noman Billingsley's flagpole ..... hehe I said I'm gonna salute his flagpole.

Dude - Chill out man - Life's too short to be an angry communist

from another site
'Twas The Night Before Christmas

(Politically Correct Version)

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves."
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And Labour conditions at the North Pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with four pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard roof noises up on their roof-tops.
Smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur-trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf would sue o'er the use of his nose
And had gone on the TV, in front of the nation
Asking millions of dollars in due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd had enough of this life,
Joined a self-helping group, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause such commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim and nothing to shoot.

Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls, or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike and so, non-pacific.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales too, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie...(just better off hidden.)
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who said the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, not football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to the dirt.
Dolls were too sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo, 'twas found, rots your brain cells away.

So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed;
He just couldn't figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
(But you've got to be careful with that word today.)

His sack was quite empty, lay limp on the ground;
No suitable gift for this year could be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people and every religion;
Every ethnicity, each colour and hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even to you.

So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."