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Essential Media Files: Boycott Rudolph!

rudgun.jpgBefore you all go grab your latest issue of TV Guide and start circling the various holiday specials you intend to watch (A Kid Rock Christmas, anyone?), I'd like to talk to you about something.

Rudolph. Is there a creature so beloved as that red-nosed reindeer? Is there any stop-motion animated movie that tugs at your heart more? No, of course not. You will gather - and by you I mean everyone, Christians, Jews, Atheists, Satanists - in front of the tv with your children at some point in the next month to watch this time-honored tale.

Well, I'm here to put a stop to that. Rudolph is not a cuddly, warm, fuzzy story. Rudolph, in fact, is a tale of pacifism and appeasement and mental abuse.

When Rudolph is first discovered to have the light bulb nose, his father is appalled. Ashamed, he tries to cover up his son's nose. What kind of father is that? He is telling his kid right off the bat, kid, you're ugly and you embarass me. Diguise yourself in public. Right then and there someone should have called social services to tell them that there was a brute of a stag emotionally damaging his child. I mean, the poor kid has a disfigurement. They should have been helping him, not making him feel even worse about it.

So everyone eventually finds out about Rudie's nose anyhow. The kids torment him and pick on him and turn him into an outcast. He's not allowed to join in their games because he is, gasp!, different!

So what happens? Rudolph goes off on an adventure (where he comes upon the Island of Misfit Toys, but that's a whole other dissertation), where it is discovered that his nose can actually come in handy. Hey, the kid is a freak, but he's a useful freak.

The rest of the reindeer gang find out that Rudolph is going to lead Santa's sleigh through the snowstorm. You know what happens. They suddenly love him. He's a hero. Even though he's been scorned and ridiculed and isolated, the other reindeer discover that they can use Rudolph's disfigurement to their advantage, so now they'll let him in their little club.

And what does Rudolph do? He leads the damn sleigh and saves the day. Now everyone in this movie, from Rudolph's parents to his girlfriend to Santa, the other reindeer and the Yukon guy mock him throughout or at least make him feel like crap. Apparently, Rudolph has no balls.

This is all his father's fault. Dad turned Rudolph into the reindeer equivalant of a nerd when he taught Rudie to just take the abuse from his neighbors and classmates because he deserved it. After all, he was hideously deformed. In essence, he taught his son not to stand up for himself.

If Rudolph learned anything at all on his great adventure, he would have turned around and said fuck off and die you miserable bastards. Find some other sucker to save Christmas for you. And then he would take out his AK-47 and turn the whole crowd of miserable reindeer into a carnivore's dream. Then he would go back to the Island of Misfit Toys, become their ruler and plot to take over all of Rankin-Bass land.

So parents, don't let your babies grow up to be Rudolphs. Don't watch the show. Or it could be your kid standing in the middle of the forest one day, gunning down all the kids who wouldn't let him play their reindeer games.

This has been a public service announcement.

[more essential media files here]

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A Small Victory: Essential Media Files: Boycott Rudolph! Rudolph is not a cuddly, warm, fuzzy story. Rudolph, in fact, is a tale of pacifism and appeasement and mental abuse. Michele reveals that the supposed "children's" Christmas story is actually a... [Read More]

» Sins Of The Stag Father from dcthornton.com
Michele sees a hidden agenda* behind the "Animagic" classic, Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer:When Rudolph is first discovered to have the... [Read More]

» Rudolph the Subversive Reindeer from Just Some Poor Schmuck
A Small Victory: Essential Media Files: Boycott Rudolph! Rudolph is not a cuddly, warm, fuzzy story. Rudolph, in fact, is a tale of pacifism and appeasement and mental abuse. Michele reveals that the supposed "children's" Christmas story is actually a... [Read More]

Comments

Heh... I've always read into that special as a "coming out" story:

Rudolph's father doesn't like what makes him different, so Rudolph pairs up with a queenie little elf and both go into exile. They eventually wind up in a polyamorous relationship with a burly "daddy" who likes licking his tool. (Looking for gold and silver, my right foot!)

Later, they wind up in the North Pole's equivalent to the Village in New York with a bunch of "different" toys and everyone learns it's okay to be different. Then Rudolph & Co. return home and his parents and everyone else in town come to their senses and embrace what makes him different.

I never thought of it the way Fredo illustrated it, but I think that makes sense.

Were there Village People toys on the Island?

Jennifer, I think there was at least one: the cowboy riding the ostrich.

That Charlie in the Box was a Friend of Dorothy too, don't forget.

I love Rudolph because it is the story of my life. (Er, without the vindication part. I'm still waiting on that.)

Rudolph is a slut ... always has been. You should see the shots up on www.deerporn.com ... shameless!!

Hey! Bite me, lady! Where the hell is my agent? Clarice?

That damn Blitzen put you up to this, didn't he?

Crap. Messed up the link to the agent. Don't want her pissed off at me. She'll want more than the 40% I already give her.

Well I don't know what went wrong in the story, but it was Santa who picked up the AK-47.

Oh please. Next you'll be saying the Three Stooges aren't funny...Moe was manipulative and cruel, Curly a victim, and Larry was co-dependent.

a DENTIST?

Man, that line always cracks me up.

Oh. My. God. This redefines ROFLMAO!

You are the queen of cynicism; I must bow down before you.

Did you see the Mad TV clay-mation rudy/godfather parody? Very entertaining.

Hm.
So in the end, Rudolph proves himself to be the Better Reindeer and does the right thing, despite the abuse he's received.
He learned to tolerate and accept the ignorance and violent tendencies of his peers.
If he were any of those other reindeer, he would have done as you described, but Rudolph is better than that. I would hope my son grows up to be just like Rudy.

...in fact, kinda sounds like the option the Columbine kids chose.

Bsti: It's called a sense of humor. Look into it.

Rudoloph honey, it looks like it's about time for contract renogiation, hmm? Bring the champagne and extra batteries, we'll talk.

All this analysis is great, but what's the true meaning of, "Didn't I ever tell you about bumbles? Bumbles bounce!"?

Bumbles are cousins of Weebles (who wobble but don't fall down).

Yeah, a DENTIST!

While those stupid elves are still making toys at minimum wage, my successful dental practice has made me independently wealthy. In your face, Head Elf!

That reminds me...their dental plan is up for negotiations again. Better make sure the fat guy still has me listed as their PPO!

Yo Rudy! Call me!

I looked itno that sense of humor you suggested, and turns out that although many of your posts are hilarious, this particular one was merely....interesting. No big deal really, I knew it was in fun, I just took issue with it is all.
Or maybe it was sarcasm and went right over my head as most things do.

I know what you mean about this special, Michele. Even though I always watch it, I always cringe at Santa's behavior in this one. Not from a PC perspective, mind you, but from the fact that Rudolph's is useless until Santa needs him - at seems begrudgingly at best.

Reminds me of the way I see "Grease", nerdy "good" girl can't make real friends until she sluts-out. Not a movie I would show my kids, especially my picked-on kids (as if I ever had any).

Leah