It's Back! Operation TIPS: Christmas Decoration Hell
In this morning's rant about the
Christmas holiday season, Angie left this comment:
Michele, if we can't fight over the Constitution, can we at least have a fight between those cheerful, good-hearted people who know that Christmas lights *must* be multi-colored in celebration of the multifaceted joys of the season, and those sleet-souled, glassy-eyed, yuppie automatons who think that Christmas lights must be white because they are "tasteful"? INFIDELS! DOGS! May all of your rainbows be black! May your newspaper run out of colored ink while printing your Sunday funnies---52 weeks in a row! May all the colors on your M&Ms melt in your hand, not in your mouth!
And Jack said: Screw the 'tasteful white lights', I found those old kind, the kind my dad put up when I was a kid, big colored ceramic bulbs that he got sometime in the '60s.
Yes, yes, yes. The big, primary colored lights. The ones that made your neighborhood like a box of Crayola crayons. The ones that lit up the snow with their colors. REAL CHRISTMAS LIGHTS! Not these sissified, oh so tasteful, prim and proper lights. What the hell is that? It looks like you've just left some lights on so your kids could find their way home. From the woods. The dark, evil woods. Where you left them as a sacrifice to the Christmas Light Spirit. But the Christmas Light Spirit didn't want them. You know why? BECAUSE YOU HAVE WHITE LIGHTS ON YOUR HOUSE!
Anyhow. I see it's time for Operation Tips to get started again. I oringally posted last December, but I'll save you the time it takes to click a link and post it below. I may like colored lights, but I do not like tacky displays of festiveness. I know at least one person who think the tackier, the better, but he lives in California, so we'll forgive him.
Go read the rules below. Some of the links might be outdated, but I'll get around to fixing them later.
It's never too early to call your neighbors tacky.
Get your cameras ready, oh faithfull Tipsters. I have a mission for you: Seek and destroy The Evil Overdecorator. You know who I'm talking about; the guy who uses more electricity for his Christmas decorations than an entire small city. The neighbor who makes it look as if the Wal-Mart Christmas department threw up on her lawn.
I have a list of tips so you can determine whether or not you should report your neighbors to the TIPS Christmas hotline:
1. Does the brightness of their lighting display cause low-flying planes to think they are approaching a landing strip?
2. Do they have a soundtrack of sappy Christmas songs playing on repeat all night long?
3. Do they mix in other holidays (Fourth of July, Halloween) with their Christmas decorations?
4. Is their nativity scene represented by cartoon characters or are they using characters that have nothing whatsover to do with Christmas and should not be used in any decorations ever? (see, Pokemon display)
5. Are any of the inflatable decorations over four feet tall?
6. Does a line of cars form down your block from December 1st until New Years, turning your neighborhood into a tourist attraction?
7. Do they charge people to view the lights?
8. Have they turned any of their lawn junk into decorations?
9. Do they have flashing or lighted messages boards whose size rivals that of the Shea Stadium Diamond Vision?
10. Do they force their kids to re-enact The Night Before Christmas on their lawn every night?
11. Do they advertise their display in the local paper?
12. Do they have an animatronic Nutcracker Suite?
13. Is the Santa they hired to "ho-ho-ho" all night long is drunk?
14. Do they have a lighted birthday cake for Jesus?
I think you get the point. I am entrusting that none of you have made any of the above errors in judgment. And I'm sure you have some of your own to add.
Now, I am sending you out into the wild, armed with your cameras to hunt down the perpetrators of any of the above Christmas crimes and report back to me. Rewards to be had for the person who brings in the most offenders. You may also use this opportunity to turn yourself in if you are a guilty party and receive amnesty before one of your neighbors rats on you.
I will be out trolling the streets of Long Island, looking for the most tasteless, tacky decorations I can find. Two words: wire cutters.
I got 'em and I'm not afraid to use them.