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bruce dickinson is a poet, man!

Mr. Norbizness (he of the happy furry puppy stories) has come up with some new genres of rock and roll that are more descriptive than the labels and genres that already exist: For instance:

Crap Rock: The hippie uncle of Butt Rock. Extremely derivative, lowest common denominator music, usually preferred by Homer Simpson: Bachman-Turner Overdrive, Grand Funk Railroad, Foghat, Foreigner, Kansas, Mountain, Nazareth, Steppenwolf, Three Dog Night, Uriah Heep. One or two songs will show up on classic rock radio.

Personally, I would have called it Homer Rock. Anyhow, Norb wants you to come up with your own categories and the bands that belong in them. Of course, I'm going to play along.

Pretentious Rock: Bands in this category usually have at least one member who is clasically trained and never lets an interviewer leave that part out. They will claim their influences are Hendrix, The Ramones and Beethoven. Look for long, drawn out solos, lyrics that reference great works of literature and concept albums. Bands include: Yes, Genesis (early Genesis), Emerson, Lake and Palmer, Iron Maiden, Dream Theater.

Reunion Rock: Made up of bands that either can't let go of the past or are very hard up for money. They can usually be seen together, touring beach theaters and half-filled stadiums on summer nights, trying to cash in on whatever retro craze is in the air. Bands include: REO Speedwagon, Journey, Simon and Garfunkle, any incarnation of the Sex Pistols, the Clash or Led Zeppelin, any and all hair metal bands from the 80's that still wear spandex and use Aqua Net.

I could do this all day. And I just might.

Update...

Ok, I got another one:

Bad Trip Rock: Consists of all the music you thought was deep and meaningful or way cool when you were stoned in high school, but you realize now is mostly crap. Bands include: Lynyrd Skynyrd, The Doors, Grateful Dead, late Led Zeppelin (hello, Fool in the Rain??) and umm....for some reason I can't seem to remember anything else.

Oh, one more:

Suck Rock: Any band whose lead singer is an ugly miscreant and whose music makes one wish for temporary deafness. Band: Limp Bizkit. It's their very own category.


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Comments

I always called bands like Blink 182 and Good Charlotte Little Girl Punk. Does that count?

I actually like most of the Homer Rock bands. I even like some of the Reunion Rock stuff. Not a big fan of Pretentious Rock, though.

Hmmmmm....I spent a few minutes thinking about this one. And I am uninspired at the moment. I wanted to make fun of the music my hubby listens to since I don't care for it. Namely the 80's music. Of coarse people could probably find it easier to make fun of my taste. Classical, Jazz, and Country. Mostly the last.......;) I am going to simmer on this one for a while.

my friends and i have a category we call "G-Rock"... Geezer Rock. Includes all the bands who the local bar cover bands have on their set lists, like BTO, Van Morrison, Van Halen, later Stones, etc. Most of the bands that play this stuff are full of over-40 dudes who haven't learned a new song in 20 years and so they play their G-rock stuff almost perfectly. Perfectly lame.

Terrible, too, that the incestouous nature of my local music scene (bands pass each others members and set lists around every couple of months) leads to some pretty boring, formulaic weekend evenings.

You dare call Lynyrd Skynyrd tunes "bad trip rock?" Just be glad your daughter is not going down to Alabama for her field trip. We don't take too kindly to folk who criticize Skynyrd!

Suck Rock is just about right for Limp Bizkit - I probably would've called it Noise Rock.

What about Imitation Rock? For all the bands who can't seem to write a song of their own.

Let's not forget Pretentious Folk Rock: examples include Coldplay, Dave Matthews, Ryan Adams.

Joseph, that's "Earnest Man" rock.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again:

Crap-Ass Vagina-Magnet Emo-Pop: When several dozen bands whose members all have messy hair and ironic t-shirts all seem to play the same whiny song about missing the girlfriends that they probably never even had in the first place.

Could be an offshoot of Imitation Rock... note how I said "song" and not "songs."

Hm, I'm thinking Kansas is definitely more Pretentious Rock than Crap Rock. And you definitely have to include my favorite band in the world, Rush, in the Pretentious Rock category -- literary-inspired lyrics, classicaly trained members, epic 10+ minute songs, concept albums -- what's not to like? ;)

Mouse, they could also fall under the "Laser Rock" category.

Spendthrift Rock: Bands that rely on mussed hair, thrift-shop clothes and low quality recording "effects" to pass off their music as hip and nostalgic. Includes The White Stripes and The Strokes. Pioneered by the catchier and more intelligent Local H. Originally invented by the Ramones, but they are immune because no one had ever gotten so famous off a bunch of 3-chord songs before.

Estrogen Techno - Throbbing, simplistic beats with a female vocalist overlay. Examples include Culture Beat, Technotronic, Aqua, and the countless "Jock Jams" and sports clips songs that are now offered on a 2 CD set for sale on late night info-TV. Rush delivery available!!!

The Next Nirvana - Music that attempts to capture the Seattle sound all over again, with non of the originality or freshness. Usually degenerates into bland, mid-tempo rock. See: Seether.

And I chose last weekend to do my Iron Maiden fanboy entry. What timing.

Where does Bon Jovi fit? Reunion rock?

How could you leave the Eagles out of Reunion rock and for that matter Arrowsmith and Kiss were touring together this summer.
I like the later eagles stuff and Joe Walsh specifically but they would still fit in that category.

You totally have to put Moody Blues in Pretentious Rock. Nights in White Satin, my ass.

Probably anything Don Henley-related, too. Wasn't there a really funny Dead Kennedys song that was about wanting to kill Don Henley? Something like, "No! Don't let him write again!"

Mojo Nixon sang "Don Henley Must Die," which might be what you're thinking of.

Henley actually sang it with him one night when Nixon was performing at the Hole in the Wall in Austin.

Frown Rock, also called "grunge." As typified by the 90's Seattle explosion, Frown rockers managed to completely eliminate the public's ability to smile or otherwise indicate pleasure at hearing music. It is a mistake to believe that Frown rockers were rebelling against what they considered to the "pretentiousness" of the New Wave and hair bands of the eighties. Rather, the goal of the Seattle Frown rockers was to achieve levels of pretentiousness heretofore never before seen in the music world. On the strength of one seminal album, Nirvana's "Nevermind," the public was obliged to go from truly having fun and enjoying music to feeling guilty for even owning records.

Fuckin' Nirvana.

Suck Rock has a second member: Creed.

Testicles Serve No Purpose Rock: This rock is personified by the fans, usually confused women, and women with manly builds, who sit in front of heaping plates of vegan fare, listening to the likes of Ani DiFranco while comparing the length of their armpit and leg hair.

Angry Girl rock, epitomized by female bands with no other purpose than to sound loud and annoyed at the world. May include L7, Veruca Salt, Breeder and other such staples. Personal taste - I'll exclude Sleater-Kinney, which actually has good lyrics (and hell, their live show rocks).

Mark said, no doubt jokingly (see, lefties DO have a sense of humor): "You dare call Lynyrd Skynyrd tunes "bad trip rock?" Just be glad your daughter is not going down to Alabama for her field trip. We don't take too kindly to folk who criticize Skynyrd!"

Um, Mark, Skynyrd were from Florida. ;)

There MUST be a separate categories for "I've got marbles in my mouth when I sing" Rock: Dave Matthews, John Mayer, Hootie....

Sorry, can't contribue much to this thread, at least, not right now.

It's the anniversary of the Beatles breakup, give or take a week.

Oh, wait -- there's "Don't Have Clue Rock", which pertains to most bands since about 1994.

And the posterboys for "Pretentious Rock" are U2.

P.S. Update yer vet list.

How about Slob Rock? Sex Pistols, Jack Black, White Stripes - doesn't refer to their personal hygeine, but their tendency to play music sloppily (that isn't necessarily a bad thing, really). Toss in the early Beastie Boys and you're all set.

We used to call bands like Bon Jovi "Butt Rock". I don't know why and, the term hair band has completely supplanted it. I remembered the term when I accidentally heard a Creed song a couple weeks ago and said to my wife "Creed is Butt Rock".

Frown Rock. That's perfect, by the way.

Tail Rock: Rock which exists solely to maximise a guy's chances of getting laid. Perfected by Dave Mathews.

OT,but Rall needs a serious slappin' today.Please whomp him a good one like only you can Michele.

Eh, Skynyrd may be from Florida, but they wrote Alabama's theme song!

As I'm a neighbor of 'Bama's, I've seen how riled up they get when "Sweet Home Alabama" comes on.

I would include Skynyrd and 3 Dog Night under Reunion Rock, but otherwise everyone is pretty well on target.

The mention of Don Henley Must Die reminded me of a cool song titled "Silver Bullet" by The Briefs (http://www.thebriefs.com/music_hitafterhit.html). The sing-along line in that song is "Kill Bob Seger right now." Perhaps a tad extreme, but a perfectly understandable sentiment nevertheless. ;-)

Moonbat Rock:
Indymedia: The Musical. Live shows are dominated by lengthy between-song spoken-word rants. Bands include: Rage Against the Machine, anything involving Jello Biafra.

Hipster Rock:
The ultra-underground bands that all the cool kids are listening to. The more obscure, the better. Be sure to throw out all their albums when they "sell out" (i.e., when more than about 50 people have heard of them). Bands include: hey, if you have to ask, you're not cool enough to know.

Angry Left Rock: those bands who concentrate on writing lyrics whining about dumb or lost political causes. Rage Against the Machine is the charter member, with Pearl Jam and System of a Down following hard on their heels.

How about Treason Rock? I nominate The Dixie Hicks

Of course, Rock and Roll Confidential's bands need to go in their own strange, demented category - see http://www.rockandrollconfidential.com and peruse the "Daily Douchebags", most of which defy definition.

Chris is right! Check out the Halls of Douchebags at Rock and Roll Confidential. There you'll see all varieties of Suck Rock, Jurassic Rock, and Angry White Male Rock sans the budget for a good photographer or music producer. With every photo I looked at, I thought "You guys look ridiculous."

Add Kittie to the Angry Girl Rock; Can't really understand what they say, but it sounds angry enough.

I never thought the Grateful Dead were deeply meaningful, but I still enjoy listening to their music. I tend to fast forward past Drums n' Space and the stuff with complex lyrics, but their take on "Big Boss Man" and "Mama Tried" are my alltime favorites.

There's a radio station here in town that plays, non-stop, what I call "Vedder Rock": Every lead singer is doing his best impression of Eddie Vedder and/or that first guy who sang for Stone Temple Pilots. Every damn track sounds like "Alive" or "Plush."

Then of course there's Frodo Rock, which is perhaps a sub-genre of Pretentious Rock: Every Frodo Rock band insists on putting out an album or two inspired by Tolkien, at least in some vaguely reminiscent way, or dabbles a bit too heavily in "rock opera," telling long, indecipherable, and ultimately goofy stories, stretched thin over an epic space. They could frequently be heard in the early 80's as background music for D&D geeks.

Examples include:

Yes (Fragile, Close to the Edge, hell, everything they did except 90210 or whatever it was in their latter years)

Rush (2112, duh)

Emerson, Lake & Palmer

King Crimson

Rick Wakeman (The patron saint of Frodo Rock. I mean, good lord - "Journey to the Center of the Earth," and that "Six Wives of Henry VIII" crap? Unlistenable.)

Surely we can put Axl Rose and Guns'n'Roses in the Suck Rock category. I hate that man with a passion, and never liked any of that band's music.

Greg: Sigh. I had Journey to the Center of the Earth. I thought it was so cool.

But I WAS a teenager at the time.

Hell, I had the Archies album when I was even younger. Yeah, "Sugar, Sugar."

We all have skeletons in our closet. At least I never bought into Peter Frampton's crap.

We should have a special category for shitty live albums.

Greg--Every one of those bands is absolutely fantastic. heheh

Excuse me while I go play D&D...

PS-the new Rush DVD is out, and it's great!

Greg,

Oh, Frodo Rock is perfect. Especially with Yes and their album covers painted by Roger Dean!

Greg,

Oh, Frodo Rock is perfect. Especially with Yes and their album covers painted by Roger Dean!

Greg,

Oh, Frodo Rock is perfect. Especially with Yes and their album covers painted by Roger Dean!

"Eh, Skynyrd may be from Florida, but they wrote Alabama's theme song! As I'm a neighbor of 'Bama's, I've seen how riled up they get when "Sweet Home Alabama" comes on."

I grew up in Mississippi--about 30 miles from the Alabama border. Believe me, they get more riled up when Neil Young's "Alabama" comes on.

Does Jethro Tull count as Frodo Rock? How about Mike Oldfields rockier bits... Oh but his sister Sally Oldfield, was the inventer of Frodo Folk which is much worse.

I feel a need to disclose that I'll always liked Jethro Tull even as I ignore his opinions and recognize that he came ahead of Nirvana in frown rock pretenciousness. I mean even Colbain couldn't match the poisonous contempt for his fans of "Thick as a Brick" The song's beginning reads like Daniel Bennett and Judge Bork on acid. "You ride yourselves over the fields, and you make all your animal deals, and your wise men don't know how it feels, to be thick as a brick" Heh, that's cold - Anderson even chuckles even as he sings that sperm line. I did a lyric search for those who don't remember that odd bit of moralistic contempt:

Really don't mind if you sit this one out.

My words but a whisper -- your deafness a SHOUT.
I may make you feel but I can't make you think.
Your sperm's in the gutter -- your love's in the sink.
So you ride yourselves over the fields and
you make all your animal deals and
your wise men don't know how it feels to be thick as a brick.
And the sand-castle virtues are all swept away in
the tidal destruction
the moral melee.
The elastic retreat rings the close of play as the last wave uncovers
the newfangled way.
But your new shoes are worn at the heels and
your suntan does rapidly peel and
your wise men don't know how it feels to be thick as a brick.

Pretentious rock? Yeah well nothing like disliking a band because they actually have some talent and have learned their trade. I find the theory that you have to be shit musicians to be good, whole shtick kinda lame. Some bands have natural talent but most garage/punk bands are total rubbish.

Hootie already got mentioned for the "Marbles" category, but they also qualify for the "Only have one song" title. Am I the only one who noticed that? :)

Meryl,

I too had "Journey to the Center of the Earth," How else would I know it's so crappy?

:)

G

Frodo Rock, thats a good one -- almost as cute as Fraggle Rock...

I've always thought of it as Epic Rock... but then i miss the whole concept of "concept albums"...

AOR anyone?

Ah, Andrew Ian, no.

If you'll go to the trouble of reading the entire sentence you'll come to the phrase --'and never lets an interviewer leave that part out'. Thus, a pretentious rock star would be one who felt such things as..

"Yeah well nothing like disliking a band because they actually have some talent and have learned their trade. I find the theory that you have to be shit musicians to be good, whole shtick kinda lame. Some bands have natural talent but most garage/punk bands are total rubbish."

It's one thing to have learned your trade, Andrew Ian, quite another to feel the need to remind everone incessantly of that fact.

And by the way, shouldn't the Sex Pistols have their own category? Something like Ripoff Rock--for bands who endlessly replay the same crappy music because they know that gullible fans will still pay for it?

Or would that category be to huge?

Good grief. I agreed with A.I. Dodge about something.

Garage bands, and the sound they make, just plain suck. Give me a decent hour of ELP's "Tarkus" over 10 minutes of (eg.) the Ramones, most Seattle bands, Limp Bizkit or whatever.

That simplistic bar-band sound gets really old after a while, especially when most of the so-called "musicians" can't sing, play their instruments or compose anything as good as an ad jingle.

And Yes lost me when Trevor Rabin joined the band. I love the guy -- known him since high school -- and he's an amazing guitarist and all-round musician, but as a composer, he's too formulaic. Yes has gone downhill ever since (although they've made a shitload more money since they went middle-of-the-road).

BUT at least Trevor can read music, which sometimes helps when you're playing in a band. Other new bands should take note.

I'm shocked that no one would come to the defense of Grand Funk. In their prime '69-'71 they were universally denounced by every rock critic in existence for their horrid musicianship (later known as punk rock). "Grand Funk Live" is a sonic tour-de-force. These guys turned it up to "11" on every song.

For that album alone they earn the right not to be lumped in with such loser bands as Foreigner, 3 Dog Night (whose greatest claim to fame was that one of their singers had his penis explode from excessive use), & Uriah Crap.

Reading music is not a prerequisite for making intense music. Most of the absolute worst music is made by real musicians. Did we learn nothing in the '70s?

heh, laser show rock- bands that have such a cult following that someone can make a stupid laser show and people will show up. Includes:
Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, The Doors, Hendrix, Nine Inch Nails, and what ever other band has been over merchandised.

A.

Hey, I like Pretentious Rock.

Sting might be the foremost practicioner of lousy Pretentious Rock, though. (And for all the pretense, this former English teacher cut a song titled "If You Love Somebody Set Them Free." For shame.)

Hey, I like Pretentious Rock.

Sting might be the foremost practitioner of lousy Pretentious Rock, though. (And for all the pretense, this former English teacher cut a song titled "If You Love Somebody Set Them Free." For shame.)