It's that time of year again. My annual open letter to the wacky kids that roam the neighborhood on Halloween.
I post this letter here as a gift to America. If I can change just one mind, keep just one pumpkin from being smashed, if just one teenager stops short of someone's doorstep and backs away from the pumpkin after reading this, then I will have done my job. Weblogs. They can make a difference.
The only thing different about this year's letter is that it now applies to my daughter and her friends, who have finally joined the ranks of those old enough to head out on their own to make mischief.
Dear local teenagers,
As we approach the dawn of another Halloween, I would like to take this moment to have a word with you. I will say this once, and only once, and there will be no second chances. Not this year.
If any one of you so much as looks at my pumpkins in a way other than admiration, I will pick your eyes out with a spork.
If any of you dare approach those pumpkins, or my scarecrow, with theft and/or smashing in mind, I will chase you down the street and slice your hands off with a butter knife.
If you have the balls to actually cross my property and touch my festive lawn decorations, I will slice your dick off with a razor blade and feed it to the rather large dog next door.
If I find one ounce of shaving cream, whipped cream, or other cream-like substance on my car in the morning, I will hunt you down and make you lick it off until the car looks like new.
Do not doubt me. Do not make me act upon my words. Just walk on by the house and don't even look.
I just want to keep all of you from having the same horrible, tragic experience I had with a beloved pumpkin one Halloween. Do you know what it's like to wake up on Halloween morning and see the guts of Punky Pumpkin, who had become like a member of the family to us, strewn all over your lawn and the street? With seagulls picking at his seeds?
I'm getting all choked up just remembering that.
Pass this letter on to your neighborhood teens. Post it on the telephone polls. Stick it on your car. Wake up, America! Your pumpkins are being murdered while you sleep!