a small victory: your personal shopper for the holidays
What would make a better gift for you favorite ultra-conservative than an Ann Coulter action figure? When I was young, we played with dolls like Betsy Wetsy and Chrissy, whose hair grew right before your very eyes. Now, with this Ann doll, you can start training those young girls at an early age to become bigoted shrews! Who needs dolls that blink and wet their diapers and live with their hunky boyfriend Ken when you - and your children - can have this darling thing? Do any of the right wingers on your shopping list have young daughters? Do any of the women on your list have Concerned Women For America as their homepage? This would make the perfect gift for them. Batteries sold separately. Brains not included. There is no truth to the rumor that some of the phrases the doll utters include: We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity and My only regret with Timothy McVeigh is he did not go to the New York Times Building. Unfortunately, is not equipped to sing Skid Row songs.
Now, say you are a leftie and you're giving that Coulter figure to your conservative father-in-law for Christmas. You'll need to alleviate the guilt you feel at participating in such a consumeristic charade as gift-buying. Well, here you go. Just wrap the gift in this paper. Not only will you be sending the message that you don't think too much of Ann Coulter, but you will be gently reminding your father-in-law that people all over the world are dying while he is celebrating Christmas. Relieve your guilt while doling some out. What more could a leftie want?
And that concludes today's Christmas Personal Shopper Experience.