today's pretend guest blogger: Ted Rall
Hi, my name is Ted Rall. You may know me from such entertaining memes as Bush Didnít Win, Bush Lied and Mark Morford Wants My Love Child.
Iíd like to talk to you today about SUVs. Iím pretty sure that Iíve covered this subject before but it bears repeating. Repeating is what I do best. See, I only have a few ideas in this big head of mine, and I have to find ways to make those three or four ideas sound fresh and exciting each time I write a column or draw a strip. Obviously, I havenít quite figured out the solution to that yet.
So, where was I? Oh yes, SUVs.
Well, I canít think of anything to say that I havenít said before, so letís just go over that, ok?
If you drive an SUV you are a pig. If you have even thought about buying an SUV you are a pig by proxy. SUVs are the cause of every problem in the world. They pollute the air, use too much gas, make the baby Jesus cry, gave my mother acne, retroactively caused Chernobyl, ate the last piece of pie in the fridge, made me sleep with 300 women in one month - all of them ugly, killed Joey Ramone, instigated the Middle East crisis, made Arafatís hair turn gray, broke the voting machines in Florida, caused 9/11 and broke up Ben and Jen.
So, as you can see, Iím not really against ecoterrorists burning down Hummer dealerships. You deserve to have a piece of your property destroyed or burned and itís ok if you receive bodily harm in the process because, well, you deserve it.
Well, as you can see, Iím having a hard time putting a new spin on this SUV thing, and Iíve run out of funny nicknames to use for Bush and Cheney and Ashcroft and I have nothing else to say about the year 2000 that you havenít heard already, so I guess this lecture is over.
Come to think of it, you never have to read another one of my columns again, because everything I believe in, and every topic I obsess about is right here in this one convenient space. How about that?
Letís go over all of my topics in one turn:
Bush Lied. Bush is Hitler. American deserved 9/11. Soldiers are baby killers. Ashcroft wants to eat your infants and SUV owners should die.
There. I can retire now.
[disclaimer: this was a piece of flimsy satire that you may or may not find funny, depending on your sense of humor and your ideology. whatever floats your boat, just keep in mind that ted rall does not, as far as I know at least, have a login to my moveable type page, nor would anyone think that he does so therefore no one in their right mind would assume that this was really ted rall writing this and so ted won't try to sue me for making fun of him. i mean it's not like ted would do something like that anyhow, but...oh, nevermind. he would.]