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today's pretend guest blogger: Ted Rall

teddyboy.gifHi, my name is Ted Rall. You may know me from such entertaining memes as Bush Didnít Win, Bush Lied and Mark Morford Wants My Love Child.

Iíd like to talk to you today about SUVs. Iím pretty sure that Iíve covered this subject before but it bears repeating. Repeating is what I do best. See, I only have a few ideas in this big head of mine, and I have to find ways to make those three or four ideas sound fresh and exciting each time I write a column or draw a strip. Obviously, I havenít quite figured out the solution to that yet.

So, where was I? Oh yes, SUVs.


Well, I canít think of anything to say that I havenít said before, so letís just go over that, ok?

If you drive an SUV you are a pig. If you have even thought about buying an SUV you are a pig by proxy. SUVs are the cause of every problem in the world. They pollute the air, use too much gas, make the baby Jesus cry, gave my mother acne, retroactively caused Chernobyl, ate the last piece of pie in the fridge, made me sleep with 300 women in one month - all of them ugly, killed Joey Ramone, instigated the Middle East crisis, made Arafatís hair turn gray, broke the voting machines in Florida, caused 9/11 and broke up Ben and Jen.

So, as you can see, Iím not really against ecoterrorists burning down Hummer dealerships. You deserve to have a piece of your property destroyed or burned and itís ok if you receive bodily harm in the process because, well, you deserve it.

Well, as you can see, Iím having a hard time putting a new spin on this SUV thing, and Iíve run out of funny nicknames to use for Bush and Cheney and Ashcroft and I have nothing else to say about the year 2000 that you havenít heard already, so I guess this lecture is over.

Come to think of it, you never have to read another one of my columns again, because everything I believe in, and every topic I obsess about is right here in this one convenient space. How about that?

Letís go over all of my topics in one turn:

Bush Lied. Bush is Hitler. American deserved 9/11. Soldiers are baby killers. Ashcroft wants to eat your infants and SUV owners should die.

There. I can retire now.

[disclaimer: this was a piece of flimsy satire that you may or may not find funny, depending on your sense of humor and your ideology. whatever floats your boat, just keep in mind that ted rall does not, as far as I know at least, have a login to my moveable type page, nor would anyone think that he does so therefore no one in their right mind would assume that this was really ted rall writing this and so ted won't try to sue me for making fun of him. i mean it's not like ted would do something like that anyhow, but...oh, nevermind. he would.]


Listed below are links to weblogs that reference today's pretend guest blogger: Ted Rall:

» Heh. from The B.O.G.
Michele has written a satirical Ted Rall guest blogger post on SUV's. It's worth a read, especially if you're a Rall "fan". [Read More]

» SUVs don't suck from Across the Atlantic
I was reading this, over at A Small Victory. SUVs don't suck, I agree. They did not cause any of the following: Gulf War I and II The dramatic rise in Council Tax in the UK The return of Hong... [Read More]

» Turd Roil from Inoperable Terran
Michele's making fun of Ted Rall again. Not that that's bad.... [Read More]

» Ted Rall Winks At Ecoterrorism -- Does Anyone On The Left Care? from Right Wing News
Here are some excerpts from an editorial by ultra-popular left-wing columnist Ted Rall on ELF & SUVS...and yes, you're reading [Read More]


Why does the ELF always go after soft targets - i.e. SUV dealerships - rather than hard targets where they could get their message across (the auto manufacturers). Oh, yeah, it's because they're pussies. No one is going to kick their ass in the middle of the night at a Hummer dealership, but Ford would shoot back.

Man, you're just asking for it aren't you?

His article is full of specious arguments, out of context statistics, and, most of all, faulty conclusions that rely on the logic of a 3rd grader. It's just begging for a fisking... I'd do it but I don't have a blog. Anyone up for the challenge?

Out of the 10 cars owned by my closest family members, 6 of them are SUVs. My dad and step-mom own half of them. Yeah, we'll all go to hell, blah, blah, blah. At least I'll be riding there in the comfort of a Yukon with cushy leather seats. And we'll be having a blast splashing through those lava puddles in the Jeep.

I'm sure his first car was a Yugo and he's still traumatized by his bad car-buying decision, that's why he's acting out.

Ah, Michele, our tightest bond. It's what brought us together in the first place - Ted Rall bashing.

Let me sum up his column:

... blah blah blah Environmental Crisis...

"The main reason: SUVs. "

Yes, that is a direct quote.

It is somewhat of a cliche to write "LOL" in response to something like that, but I did indeed laugh out loud when I read that little gem. How do you actually take someone seriously when they declare something so completely ridiculous?!!!

And if that weren't enough, his dressind down of the alleged benefits of driving an SUV includes:

"...better at handling snow (untrue)..."

UNTRUE?!?! Really?! Now I live in Central NY, south of Lake Ontario, where we average 10 feet of snow per year. During a "bad" winter, you can expect 4-6 inches of snow on any given day or night. I have a 35 mile commute to work everyday. And I have driven all kinds of cars from rear wheel drive sports cars, to front wheel drive, up to and including my beloved SUVs - yes, GASP, we own two!!! There can be no doubt whatsoever that a 4 wheel drive vehicle is better in snow than anything else. Period, end of discussion. Can you get 4 wheel drive in something other than an SUV ? There are a couple, mostly Subaru's, but we own a Forrester and it is essentially the same price as their smaller sedan and gets essentially the same gas mileage.

Then we have this offering from bright old Ted:

"...offer extra room for big families (get a minivan instead, dope)..."

Yeah, there's a good idea. Put your family into the deathtrap that is a marshmellow mini van. That sucks in the snow. While Ted might be able to find some report that shows SUVs to be less safe than the average car, they are definitely more safe than your average mini van that crumples like a piece of paper in an accident.

His first car may have been a Yugo but he's moved up to a....BegleyMobile™, complete with woven wool seats (no animals killed, no plastics), wooden wheels (yeah, a tree died but whataya gonna do) and shiny tinfoil interior trim. And, no, I know what your thinking: Teddy Boy does not secretly drive an SUV on weekends and holidays. He's no Limousine Liberal; he's a True Believer™.

That's the funniest thing you've ever put up on this blog. I'm going to link it in daily news tomorrow. I wish I would have thought of the concept first...(Mental Note: steal concept & claim to have thought of it first. Also remember not to get distracted by something shiny and erase this before posting...oooooh look, something shiny! Ooooooh ).

Speaking of stealing concepts -- debates? IM me....

Is a Honda CRX an SUV? I prefer not to have elves painting on it.

Most (well, actually, all except the Mazda MPV) minivans have a curb weight over two tons; your basic Dodge Caravan (top-selling minivan) is no kinder to the environment than a Ford Explorer (top-selling SUV).

Not that the laws of physics matter to these people.

Terrorists and Ted don't like something - SUVs, Hummers, Freedom, Democracy - so they want to make it 'unfashionable and scary' to have it.

Terrorists and Ted just don't get it. After a recent ELF attack, a car dealership sold more SUV's than usual. I drive a Prius, but Ted makes me want to go out and buy a Hummer. Reactionary idiots like ELF and Ted aren't scary. They're just reactionary idiots.

The "SUVs are the main reason" was for high pollution days in certain cities. He did say that SUVs are why the US pulled out of Kyoto. I had to double check that I was actually reading the real article.

I bet if you went back to all those people who "agreed" with ELF in the survey and gave them the costs associated with protecting the environment to the degree that ELF would like (no cars, massively contracted economy, lower standard of living, etc...) they would violently disagree. Oh, and saying that most people agree with ELF and SUVs are the top selling vehicle... um, huh?

And I'm not sure what the value of an opinion survey on questions of fact like global warming. Even if it is controversial, the man on the street isn't likely to be qualified to answer.

Bolie IV

See, here is a common misconception.

"And I'm not sure what the value of an opinion survey on questions of fact like global warming. "

You are aware that there are scientists that disagree with the theory of "Global Warming". You do realize this theory is based on recorded temperatures for less than 200 years, right ?

Okay, I hate to be the wet blanket here, but...

Rall is an asswipe and ought to be deported to someplace he'd be happy--like, say, Yemen. But he does have a point about SUVs.

Think about it: If we got more fuel-efficient in this country, we could tell the Saudis to take their oil and stick it where the sun don't shine. As it is, we keep having to kiss their heinous asses. I, personally, find it highly embarrassing. And we're supposed to be going after the sponsors of terror? Puh-leeeeze.

Pete - that's just the problem. Fuel efficiency & alternate energy is a concept that needs to be sold. His politics are repulsive, his arguments are pathetic and his sympathy for terror tactics is obvious. Rall is killing the sale because he hates the customer. If he was CEO of Microsoft the company would be a penny stock.

Plus, one of the most promising alternative energy sources is pebble bed nuclear reactors. I doubt that Rall would promote that.

Pete, only about 40% of the oil used in this country is for gasoline. Increasing fuel efficiency does little to decrease the oil usage.

Demonizing SUVs contributes nothing.

When I finally traded in my old Ford Bronco, I got a new Corvette. It is my hope, that a 405 hp, two-seater will be even more offensive to the Ralls of the world. I'd comment on the absurdity of the anti-SUV silliness, but seems all the points have been made above.

Michele, You crack me up. I Love You.

Mork Morford gets a migrane tying his fucking shoes.

Heheheh. I found this too and fisked it. I named my post "Conservative Exercise Secret" because we all know that deep down Rall can incite us to such adrenaline, and, well, that adrenaline has to go somewhere :)


Back when I owned a Mitsubishi Montero, I was once lectured on the streets of Boulder about the pollution my vehicle was emitting. This was from a typical Boulder twit who was driving an early '70's VW minibus. I've seen the emissions test results of those aircooled VW engines - his minibus was putting out at least three times the pollution of my Montero.

Rall has many comrades in abject stupidity and ignorance.

Geez, my 5 year old niece draws better than he does. How does he stay employed?

This Rall character is disgusting.

Rall hates SUV drivers, good. Then the left still
has exploitable blind spots by focusing one one thing
in a debate. and they wont bitch about my 78' Tbird
wich wieghs 500lb. more than a hummer or see past
cigarettes to bitch about my pipe.

somthings I do notice living in Michigan:
1. people forget how to drive at the begining and end of winter
2. techno fixes to make driving on snow easer mean drivers have no skill anymore and depend on the cars systems to keep them safe
3. I'm in the big rearwheel drive land-battleship
passinig modern frontwheel drives and 4×4's driving
20 to 45 mph. on the freeway
4. 4×4's can take you anyplace but are 70% of vehicles stuck ontop of snowdrifts and fastend to lamposts and guardrails (traction to get moving
too much weight to stop)

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