Axis of Isabel
As a member in good standing of the Axis of Isabel, it is my duty to offer you hurricane hints and tips.
Meryl, the fearless leader of the Axis, has already provided a worthy guide with topics such as How To Tell If You Are In A Hurricane (When did we install a sun roof in the kitchen?) and helpful instructions like:
Put a bag of microwave popcorn in the microwave. Turn on the microwave. Wait several minutes. If the popcorn does not pop, you have no electricity.
Other members of the Axis are being just as helpful. Sort of. Bill Cimino just plagiarizes Dave Barry, but it's worth reading anyhow. Besides, he gets extra credit for calling Isabel a big, fat, nasty bitch.
So what do I have to offer you today besides the things I've already covered? Something that the mainstream media, for all their blustering and fear-mongering about Isabel, has forgotten about; that segment of the population that will suffer greatly in the event of a power loss: Bloggers. We are the Silent Minority. Well, if the power goes out, we are.
See, the hurricane and its wrath will not just affect those of us in its path; should the power lines go pffft up and down the east coast, that's an awful lot of blogs that will remain silent while the various power authorities try to get the electricity back on. Yes, you will suffer from this, too even if you don't live anywhere near the Atlantic! Suffering by proxy!
Tips For Bloggers Who Are In The Midst Of A Hurricane
- Charge the Batteries for your digital camera.
There's no point in blogging your Adventures With Isabel [when the power comes back on] if you aren't going to show us pictures of you standing on your neighbor's fallen tree.
- Make your adventure more dangerous than it needs to be - this makes for better bloggng later on.
Purposely park your car under the great big oak tree down the block, or "accidently" switch your husband's allergy medication with Demerol. Then you can tell everyone your husband passed out from fear and cowardice while you went on to save the family, the pets, the photo albums and autographed picture of John Stamos on your own. Trust me, this story will get a lot of links and trackbacks later on. So will your impending divorce.
- Halloween decorations are on sale at Target and Wal-Mart. This will come in handy in case Isabel weakens by the time she gets to you and you feel let down and left out that you have nothing of interest to blog about, save for the neighbor's garbage can that nearly ruined your squash plant. Buy some of those fake severed legs or, better yet, a severed head. Put it in your garden. Take picture. Blog it. Get called tasteless, crass and unfeeling towards the other victims of the hurricane. Watch your stats go up.
- Take notes for future blogging reference. Be very descriptive. Write things like "and then 18 year old girl down the block came running down the street screaming about her cat, but she was wearing a short, flared skirt, and Isabel kept kicking up that wind and there was my own private Marilyn Monroe with Isabel playing the part of the air vent. Upskirts, ahoy! Cat? What cat?"
Well, that's all the tips I have for now. I have to go tie down my lawn gnomes and pink flamingos.
I would tell you to check to see what Wind Rider, another member of the Axis has to say on all this, but he's too busy worrying about his contest. He'll be sorry later when he goes to make mircowave popcorn and can't figure out why it's not popping.
If you have any tips, feel free to add them. I'll be back later with How To Handle Isabel Like A Video Game.