Staples: The next level of hell
When Dante created his hell he forgot the final level: School supply shopping.
To the schools and teachers that insist on handing out a lengthy supply list the first day of school instead of sending it in the mail over the summer like other disctricts, I offer you a hearty fuck you.
Do you know what it's like to walk around Office Max on the day after school starts, lists in hand, kids in tow and every person in that building fighting over the same things? Would it be asking too much for the managers of the store to stock more than a dozen packs of EraseMate pens, knowing that last year at this time, parents were pitching fits in the aisles because the store ran out on the first day of school?
Is it really necessary for a teacher to ask that her students get five folders, all in different colors? Have these teachers ever stood next to a fourth grade boy (not mine) crying that there were only purple folders left? Why, oh why do they ask for different colored marble notebooks? What is wrong with the standard black and white? I think the kids can tell the difference between the math and social studies books because in fifth grade, they know how to read! They don't need to color-coordinate their subjects and I certainly don't need to traipse around to five different stores trying to find everything in a set of red.
And parents. Could you please, for the love of my sanity, not let your tots run loose around the store while there about a million people packed into a building that has the capacity of about 1,000? I'm sorry I tripped over your adorable toddler's legs, but she shouldn't have been laying in aisle four crying for a bottle while you were in aisle six arguing with your teenage daughter about getting a nose job. And to the mother who gave me a dirty look when I pulled the little plastic frog out of her nearly-infant son's mouth: Too fucking bad. He had the whole thing in his mouth and you were too busy flirting with the copy boy to notice. And way to go, giving it back to the kid and letting him put it in his mouth again.
Back to supplies. Staples and OfficeMax charge double for every single supply that a small drug store like CVS or Walgreens sells. Too bad CVS and Walgreens sold out of the stuff three weeks ago when the grammar schools sent their supply lists home, like the other schools should do. Unfortunately for those stores, they didn't restock and that's why there was that scene with the manager and an irate father in the tampon aisle today.
And why the hell do we need to send in baby wipes and paper towels and tissues? What the hell do school taxes pay for? I'm ok with the highlighters and Sharpies and scotch tape and other sundry things, but jesus on a pogo stick people, you can't afford to put freakign tissues in the classroom?
Also, can you please be careful what you are talking about when you are on a very long line in a very crowded store? I do not want to hear about your bowel movements, I don't want to know the size of the snotball you coughed out of your throat today and I certainly don't need to know that you "suprised" your daughter by packing condoms in her suitcase when she went off to college last month. Put the cell phone down. Shut your mouth. Or try talking to your obviously lonely, ignored child who, by the time you were done yakking to your friend about bodily functions, was sitting on the floor picking his nose, eating it and talking to his imaginary friend.
Who's got a valium?