terror alert level: zombie
ISLAMIC JIHAD are in Haiti recruiting a zombie army to invade the United States in a nightmarish reprise of 9/11, intelligence sources in Washington have learned.
The plot hatched by the notoriously ruthless Islamic Jihad terror organization is to invade the east coast of Florida with the undead: Troops who don't have to be fed, obey mindlessly, and are extremely hard to kill.
There are no plans yet to ratchet up the terror alert level in the U.S.
But sources say intelligence chatter 'strongly suggests' a 1,200-strong zombie army led by a few suicidal terrorists could invade our shores on or around the second anniversary of the terror attacks on the World Trade Centers and Pentagon, leaving death and horror in their wake.
Prime targets may be nuclear power plants in Miami and Fort Pierce, football stadiums in Tampa and Jacksonville, and NASA operations at Cape Canaveral, the sources say.
"The threat is disturbing and real," Department of Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge said in an alarming memo to President George W. Bush dated August 6.
"Finding and arresting human terrorists is hard enough. But now we're looking at the possibility of having to fight a completely different kind of enemy -- one that you can't kill because he's already dead."
Yes, I'm sure that quote is real. Did I mention this comes from the Weekly World News? I suppose that's a key fact here.
I do have an obsession with zombies so I think I can be of help here. Perhaps I can offer my services to the Department of Homeland Security when the living dead come marching into Florida [insert jokes about old retired people here].
Wait, what's this?
"Zombies aren't simply dead people who rise up out of their graves and shuffle around town spooking people like you see in the movies," explains one CIA source.
Well that's the kind of zombie that I'm familiar with. The ones who say things like BRAAAAAAAAINNNNNS and They're coming to get you, Barbara. All the zombies I encountered would have nothing to do with being controlled by humans. Trust me, I've tried. All they want is brains, flesh, human entrails and a nice cold beer.
Ridge has to remember a few basics. First, zombies are pretty stupid. They can be easily tricked. Also, shooting works best. Always aim for the head. And don't try using knives or swords.
I know, it's oxymoronic to claim you can kill the undead. See, it's not really a case of killing them, but of making them really, truly dead for a bit until they get up and try again. However, if you shoot them up enough so they end up in little bitty pieces spread out all over the place (tip: to remove zombie guts from your kitchen wall, try a little Clorox on a damp sponge), they have a hard time getting it together again.
It's very important that when you are done "killing" the zombies, you get away as fast as you can if you haven't totally obliterated them. They tend to reanimate (at least the ones I've encountered have), and they come back meaner and stronger.
Using a drill on a zombie works well, but that means getting pretty close to it. Keep in mind that the undead smell terrible. In fact, they use that little secret as a weapon. If you get close enough, one of them just has to breathe on you and the stench will knock you off your feet. If you want to drill a couple of holes in their skulls (though aiming for the eyes work best), wear a gas mask.
If all else fails, head down to the local PETA chapter, kidnap a few members and hold them out in front of the zombies. They are DEATHLY afraid of vegans. It's like holding a cross up to Satan. They will probably melt and corrode right there on the spot, leaving a goopy, messy stain on the ground. You then sacrifice the vegans (a bonfire works nicely for this - you can roast hot dogs at the same time) and the zombies probably won't come back, as the air and ground will be tainted with vegan dust.
Ok, Tom Ridge. Hire me!