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terror alert level: zombie

The dead are coming for us.

ISLAMIC JIHAD are in Haiti recruiting a zombie army to invade the United States in a nightmarish reprise of 9/11, intelligence sources in Washington have learned.

The plot hatched by the notoriously ruthless Islamic Jihad terror organization is to invade the east coast of Florida with the undead: Troops who don't have to be fed, obey mindlessly, and are extremely hard to kill.

There are no plans yet to ratchet up the terror alert level in the U.S.

But sources say intelligence chatter 'strongly suggests' a 1,200-strong zombie army led by a few suicidal terrorists could invade our shores on or around the second anniversary of the terror attacks on the World Trade Centers and Pentagon, leaving death and horror in their wake.

Prime targets may be nuclear power plants in Miami and Fort Pierce, football stadiums in Tampa and Jacksonville, and NASA operations at Cape Canaveral, the sources say.

"The threat is disturbing and real," Department of Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge said in an alarming memo to President George W. Bush dated August 6.

"Finding and arresting human terrorists is hard enough. But now we're looking at the possibility of having to fight a completely different kind of enemy -- one that you can't kill because he's already dead."

Yes, I'm sure that quote is real. Did I mention this comes from the Weekly World News? I suppose that's a key fact here.

I do have an obsession with zombies so I think I can be of help here. Perhaps I can offer my services to the Department of Homeland Security when the living dead come marching into Florida [insert jokes about old retired people here].

Wait, what's this?

"Zombies aren't simply dead people who rise up out of their graves and shuffle around town spooking people like you see in the movies," explains one CIA source.

Well that's the kind of zombie that I'm familiar with. The ones who say things like BRAAAAAAAAINNNNNS and They're coming to get you, Barbara. All the zombies I encountered would have nothing to do with being controlled by humans. Trust me, I've tried. All they want is brains, flesh, human entrails and a nice cold beer.

Ridge has to remember a few basics. First, zombies are pretty stupid. They can be easily tricked. Also, shooting works best. Always aim for the head. And don't try using knives or swords.

I know, it's oxymoronic to claim you can kill the undead. See, it's not really a case of killing them, but of making them really, truly dead for a bit until they get up and try again. However, if you shoot them up enough so they end up in little bitty pieces spread out all over the place (tip: to remove zombie guts from your kitchen wall, try a little Clorox on a damp sponge), they have a hard time getting it together again.

It's very important that when you are done "killing" the zombies, you get away as fast as you can if you haven't totally obliterated them. They tend to reanimate (at least the ones I've encountered have), and they come back meaner and stronger.

Using a drill on a zombie works well, but that means getting pretty close to it. Keep in mind that the undead smell terrible. In fact, they use that little secret as a weapon. If you get close enough, one of them just has to breathe on you and the stench will knock you off your feet. If you want to drill a couple of holes in their skulls (though aiming for the eyes work best), wear a gas mask.

If all else fails, head down to the local PETA chapter, kidnap a few members and hold them out in front of the zombies. They are DEATHLY afraid of vegans. It's like holding a cross up to Satan. They will probably melt and corrode right there on the spot, leaving a goopy, messy stain on the ground. You then sacrifice the vegans (a bonfire works nicely for this - you can roast hot dogs at the same time) and the zombies probably won't come back, as the air and ground will be tainted with vegan dust.

Ok, Tom Ridge. Hire me!

Comments

Yes Michele, but did Weekly World News advise us as tot he whereabouts of Bat Boy? I'm sure he could stop the zombie invasion.

Gosh, with your expertise, not only should you be hired immediately, you should be able to name your own salary and perks too!!

I can't help but admire you, Michele. I just don't have the energy to think up all this sort of stuff.

A technical question: at what level of disassembly will a zombie be unable to reconstitute itself?

P.S. I like the sliding picture thing, but I kinda miss the little girl...

Ok, this is gonna be a cheap shot, but I gotta take it. }D

I suppose that the libbers don't have to worry about this attack, since we all know zombies are after braaaaaaaaaiiiiiiinnnnnnsssssssssss........

All this zomby-oriented violence and hatred has me concerned a bit. Maybe I should start a Zomby Defense League and let everyone know that Zombies are people, too--if you drill us in the skull, do we not bleed?

If you want to begin to lok at contingency plans - you know, in case there are zombies swimming across, try the zombie simulator.

I think we're missing the point here. Don't those poor zombies have a right to some sort of Constitutional protection upon entering the U.S? I mean, sure, 1,200 or so zombies COULD invade American soil blindly groping for the brains of unsuspecting civilians, but what about those well-meaning zombies who come across the border each day seeking a better non-life for themselves and their deceased families? Is it fair to shackle their decomposing wrists simply because a few bad zombie apples may be out to harm us? I'm worried here. Truly worried.

Why the hell are they looking in Haiti for zombies? Haven't they ever heard of St. Petersburg? Just get tickets to a Devil Rays game for Chrissakes.

I personally think the lawnmower option works pretty well (Dead Alive)

I saw a headline at the grocery store the other day that had Saddam with a "Jurassic Park" of sorts as his WoMD.

tha hell? damn i'm turning on the news now.

oh well, they can't be any worse than the walking dead i see daily.

An excellent plan, Michele. I have vegan neighbors, so I wll be sure to keep them handy in the event of a zombie attack.

D

we've got a whole country of people who have been playing resident evil, resident evil 2, resident evil zero, resident evil code veronica x, resident evil 3 nemesis.......so i think we're all plenty prepared for the zombies when they arrive.

This is not good news for me. 1) I live in south Florida and 2) I'm in the football pool at work.

The use of magic, especially necromancy, is a big no-no in Islam. Besides what the hell is difference between some idiot zonked out on radical Islam carrying a bomb to self-detonate and a zombie? Not much really.

The use of magic, especially necromancy, is a big no-no in Islam. Besides what the hell is difference between some idiot zonked out on radical Islam carrying a bomb to self-detonate and a zombie? Not much really.

Posted by Andrew Ian Dodge on September 4, 2003 02:52 PM

You people have too much time on your hands.