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enough with the sappiness!

For those who vomited up sugar-coated bile at the wretched, syrupy declaration of love below, hang on. I've got something else for you, by special request.

The vows we wrote for our wedding, but never used because when we envisioned the following scenario, we thought better of it:

scene: Poolside, under a beautiful white canopy draped with tulle. The Judge is just about complete with the ceremony. (italicized commentary provided by various family members and friends)

Judge: Michele and Justin have written their own vows of love and honor. Michele would you please go first?

I motion to my sister and she brings me a shot of tequila. I down it quickly, cough a little, steady my feet and begin.

Me: Justin, there are many reasons why I love you and why I stand here today, joining you in the legal entanglement of marriage. It's been over three years since we met on the internet...

Internet? She told me she met him at a party!
Oh, I heard she met him through a friend of friend!
Internet? What's the internet?

Me: Remember that first road trip when I drove you back to Pennsylvania? We stopped at that abandoned train station and gave you a blowjob for the first time. (I stop here, teary eyed at the memory. My sister hands me another shot and a tissue).

What did she say?
I think she said he got a job at the train?
No, I think they had S-E-X on the train
A blowjob isn't sex, Aunt Mary!

Me: We have come a long way since that first time together. We have been through so many tough times, so many rough patches. And I forgive you for throwing that glass of orange juice at me..

Justin: And I forgive you for throwing that Kid Rock cd at my head.

Are they still talking about cock?
No, he said ROCK
He's got rocks in his head?
You think?

Me: All those hard times....when they cancelled Invader Zim you held me and told me it would be ok.

Justin: And when I lost the auction on eBay for the live Faith No More cd, you were there, holding my hand and comforting me.

Me: You have brought so much to this relationship - every issue of Sandman, so many action figures....

What the fuck are they talking about?
I don't know but I think his hand is up her dress.

Justin: And our family has grown so fast. When I first moved in we only had 58 channels. The computer had a dial-up modem and no room left on the hard drive. Now we have 179 channels, a cable modem and all the gigabytes one happy couple could ever need.

Did she just grab his ass?
I think the words hard drive turn her on.

Me: You know why I love you so much? Because you're only 22 years old, you can fuck like a wild jackrabbit and you're hung like a porn star. (my sisters both make a dash for the tequila shots. My mother faints. My father hides under the table. My friends cheer).

Yep, his hand is definitely up her dress now.

Judge: Ahem.

Me: Oh yes. Justin, I promise to love you through good times and bad. Even when our favorite shows are cancelled, I will still love you. Even when our favorite bands break up, I will still love you. Even when the cable modem goes out and our favorite websites get hacked and George Lucas ruins another episode of Star Wars, I will love you still.

Justin: And I will love you even through every re-released, re-edited edition of The Matrix. I will love you even when they run out of ideas for Friday the 13th sequels. I will love you through every new genre of punk rock, every unsubstantiated terrorist warning, every Microsoft upgrade security patch.

Oh, just say I DO already, the beer is getting warm!
Yea, I'm starving, get on with it, you freaks!
What the fuck are they talking about? Are they married yet? Can we start on the jello shots?

Judge: I now pronounce you husband and wife. We will take a short break while the bride goes home and blogs.

Dad: Hallelujah! Holy Shit! Where's the tylenol?

TrackBack

Listed below are links to weblogs that reference enough with the sappiness!:

» Bon Anniversaire, Cherie from Sketches of Strain
Happy early birthday to my favorite rock star blogger, Michele, and happy anniversary, too, you bad kids. My mom warned me about people like you two. I'll be right over with a bottle of cough syrup and a six pack.... [Read More]

» A Small Birthday from Wizbang
Happy birthday and anniversary to Michele. Instead of exhorting you to read her nearly used wedding vows, I will instead point you to her re-profession of love for Justin. That's one lucky man. A she, of course, is equally blessed... [Read More]

» Turn Around, Mom...We've Driven into a Cul-de-Sac from suburban blight
Welcome to this larger-than-usual edition of the Cul-de-Sac, my weekly look at which bloggers are saying what in my neck of the blogosphere. This week I had a bit of help from dear David; he was kind enough to send... [Read More]

» Turn Around, Mom...We've Driven into a Cul-de-Sac from suburban blight
Welcome to this larger-than-usual edition of the Cul-de-Sac, my weekly look at which bloggers are saying what in my neck of the blogosphere. This week I had a bit of help from dear David; he was kind enough to send... [Read More]

» Wedding Vows for the 21st Century from blogoSFERICS
Michele says she and Justin chickened out and didn't say these R-rated vows when they were married a year ago.... [Read More]

» Hiatus Hiatus from Oscar Jr. Was Here
I hereby interrupt my unplanned, unannounced and lamented blogging hiatus to wish Michele, the prolific, wonderful and alleged zionazi jewpropgandist, a happy birthday and anniversary. Back to the grind... I hope to return soon.... [Read More]

Comments

You're twisted! Have you always been like this?

What fun!

That was beautiful, man. sniff

My family would hunt me down if I used such vows... and admiting to pre-marritual sex...

M-

You know, usually the only time I cry at weddings is when I have laughed so hard that tears of malicious joy are coursing down my cold, flinty cheeks. But I think maybe for a second there, I was actually sort of moved.

(sniff)

D

applause

Can you be my neighbour? I need the excitement and laughter! Good Luck with the wedding and happy birthday!

Aw. You should have gone for it. That was excellent; wish I'd done something like it myself.

I think my favorite line is the judge's last, "We will take a short break while the bride goes home and blogs."

That's just perfect!

I don't know you, I just came by from Robyn's..
But you have made me howl with laughter & I thankyou because I really NEEDED that!!! heh..
Happy Birthday!!
Happy Anniversary!!
Have a wonderful day the two of you =)

ROFLMAO!

Thanks for the larf!!

Bwahahaha! That was beautiful!

Oh, and I think I moped for a week after hearing they canceled Invader Zim... "I was the Turkey all along!" ... we'll all make it through these hard times w/o Jhonen's brains on the TV.

So, Happy B-day and Happy Anniversary!

I might just have to steal those vows for my own big day...

Happy Birthday Michele!
Bill and I appreciated that so much! Sounds like you guys have a lot of fun and love each other very much. Cheers!

My God, that was great. Classic MC ... one of your best. Congratulations to you both; you know I type this from Chicago ... know this post brought me more mirth than BOTH my room-service Miller Lites.

And happy birthday: you still rate, far more than many half your age (which, now that I think about it, is like, you know, Justin's age).