A Small Victory

scene: Poolside, under a beautiful white canopy draped with tulle. The Judge is just about complete with the ceremony. (italicized commentary provided by various family members and friends)

Judge: Michele and Justin have written their own vows of love and honor. Michele would you please go first?

I motion to my sister and she brings me a shot of tequila. I down it quickly, cough a little, steady my feet and begin.

Me: Justin, there are many reasons why I love you and why I stand here today, joining you in the legal entanglement of marriage. It's been over three years since we met on the internet...

Internet? She told me she met him at a party!
Oh, I heard she met him through a friend of friend!
Internet? What's the internet?

Me: Remember that first road trip when I drove you back to Pennsylvania? We stopped at that abandoned train station and gave you a blowjob for the first time. (I stop here, teary eyed at the memory. My sister hands me another shot and a tissue).

What did she say?
I think she said he got a job at the train?
No, I think they had S-E-X on the train
A blowjob isn't sex, Aunt Mary!

Me: We have come a long way since that first time together. We have been through so many tough times, so many rough patches. And I forgive you for throwing that glass of orange juice at me..

Justin: And I forgive you for throwing that Kid Rock cd at my head.

Are they still talking about cock?
No, he said ROCK
He's got rocks in his head?
You think?

Me: All those hard times....when they cancelled Invader Zim you held me and told me it would be ok.

Justin: And when I lost the auction on eBay for the live Faith No More cd, you were there, holding my hand and comforting me.

Me: You have brought so much to this relationship - every issue of Sandman, so many action figures....

What the fuck are they talking about?
I don't know but I think his hand is up her dress.

Justin: And our family has grown so fast. When I first moved in we only had 58 channels. The computer had a dial-up modem and no room left on the hard drive. Now we have 179 channels, a cable modem and all the gigabytes one happy couple could ever need.

Did she just grab his ass?
I think the words hard drive turn her on.

Me: You know why I love you so much? Because you're only 22 years old, you can fuck like a wild jackrabbit and you're hung like a porn star. (my sisters both make a dash for the tequila shots. My mother faints. My father hides under the table. My friends cheer).

Yep, his hand is definitely up her dress now.

Judge: Ahem.

Me: Oh yes. Justin, I promise to love you through good times and bad. Even when our favorite shows are cancelled, I will still love you. Even when our favorite bands break up, I will still love you. Even when the cable modem goes out and our favorite websites get hacked and George Lucas ruins another episode of Star Wars, I will love you still.

Justin: And I will love you even through every re-released, re-edited edition of The Matrix. I will love you even when they run out of ideas for Friday the 13th sequels. I will love you through every new genre of punk rock, every unsubstantiated terrorist warning, every Microsoft upgrade security patch.

Oh, just say I DO already, the beer is getting warm!
Yea, I'm starving, get on with it, you freaks!
What the fuck are they talking about? Are they married yet? Can we start on the jello shots?

Judge: I now pronounce you husband and wife. We will take a short break while the bride goes home and blogs.

Dad: Hallelujah! Holy Shit! Where's the tylenol?