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oh, those wacky animal activists!

What happens when a crazed animal rights activist owns a mall?

Nothing good.

First, there's the problem of the ants. Alegra's Bridal & Invitations has a problem with the creatures. Basically, they are crawling all over the place. But Jeanne Daniels, owner of the mall, won't let Nancy, owner of the ant-infested store, get an exterminator to rid her of the insects. No, Jeanne wants the ants relocated. That's right. Relocated, as in moved.

Unless there's a Pied Piper for Ants in the Yellow Pages, I'm at a loss to figure out how Jeanne expects this to happen. Maybe play The Ants Come Marching on the mall speakers and see if they come out stepping in time to the beat? And then Jeanne and her vegan friends can find a nice sandhill for them to live in.

Now, don't go and think the ants were making their home in the mall so they could eat all the meaty scraps from the food court.

At least three businesses two restaurants and a grocery/deli have left the mall over the past few years because they were selling meat and Daniels wouldn't allow it.

And Nancy isn't allowed to sell anything made of leather in her bridal shop.

While Jeanne may be up on all the latest PETA trends, she doesn't seem to be too savvy in the business department. I've a feeling this mall won't be around much longer if she keeps driving store owners away. Lesson here: Business and activism do not mix.

If I were Nancy (who is relocating), I would wait until my last day at that mall, invite old Jeanne down to my store for a nice farewell lunch, and then re-create some scenes from Stomp! while the ants crawled around the floor. I'd be wearing leather. And eating a burger. Rare.


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Better yet,slap the ants to kingdom come with a slab of raw meat.Throw in a leather teddy and you've got one hell of a video-moment.

Why stop there? Beat Jeanne to death with a side of beef!!


PETA has declared an upcoming church picnic in a Milwaukee suburb to be an insult to G-d's creation and is calling on the church to hold a cruelty event. The church has declined, and the resultant publicity is likely to lead to overflow crowds.

Local talk radio host asked "If G-d didn't intend for us to eat pigs why did He make them out of meat?"

Hasn't the bridal store owner called the health and building inspectors yet?

Jeanne was later heard to say, "I, for one, welcome our new ant overlords."

And Nancy isn't allowed to sell anything made of leather in her bridal shop.

I was going to ask "what kind of leather things would a bridal shop have?" But then I decided I really didn't want to know the answer....

Off topic, but reminds me of a book of alternative etiquette I once saw, titled The Bride Wore Black Leather, and He Looked Fabulous!

Best title ever.

Ah, topic. How I've missed you. Has Little Miss PETA said anything about renting an ant-eater? 'Cause I would totally do that and let her little pea brain figure out if that was cruelty or not.

Reminds me of a rich, environazi type I knew of. Owner of a cattle ranch (not a vegan, just an environut who spent enough time onsite to be a pill). Wasps built a nest at the foreman's house, and she made him move it rather than douse it with Raid. As I recall, he quit shortly thereafter.

I was going to ask "what kind of leather things would a bridal shop have?" But then I decided I really didn't want to know the answer....

Ummmm.... how about shoes?

It all sounded vaguely familiar--business decisions made according to socio-political whim. Then I remembered.

The Starnes heirs and the end of 20th Century Motor.

I like the anteater idea. Although stomping on them while eating meat and wearing leather would probably be more fun.

Two comments:

Had to move a wasp's nest, eh? "Sorry. it just kinda fell when I tried to move it. Right into an unfortunately placed bucket of gasoline. Oh, well."

Leather in a bridal shop?

Well. That certainly gives me an interesting image. And in a good way. No, really. Snug white leather dress, glowing, beautiful bride, etc?

Okay, maybe it's just me. No, actually, I'm sure it's not just me.