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Kazaam Awards, 2003 edition

I think I watch bad movies as some sort of psychological punishment for the bad things I have done in my life. Today it was Simone , which now goes on my list of Worst Movies Ever Made (that I've actually seen) joining Jeepers Creepers , Kazaam, and 3000 Miles to Graceland as Kazaam award winners.

To clarify: I have given this award (in my mind, at least) ever since 1996, when I dragged my kids to the movie theater to see "Kazaam."

It was a very unpleasant experience.

Yes, I think it's time for a Kazaam award ceremony. Tonight, in fact.

Worst movies ever, people. Let me have them (And you have to have seen them, so Gigli doesn't count).


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If you were cruising through your blogroll yesterday, you probably hit on a small victory and saw and maybe even took part in trying to select the horrible movie to receive the coveted Kazaam Award for Dubious Distinction in Bad... [Read More]


Greg nominates Eddie Murphy's "Holy Man." Though he's still not comfortable even thinking about it.

...and for those who do not remember this one, more information can be found here. However, when the "user comment" (cough cough) says that this film is "a feel-good comedy w/ deep thoughts", he's lying. It's not funny, it's not deep, and there are no thoughts. Sorry.

Am I being too harsh?

One Kazaam is in order for "Baby Geniuses." Definitely a low point in Kathleen Turner's career.

Anything ever played on the Lifetime Movie Network.

Surf Ninjas.

No comment needed.

Hey! Stevie Wonder is a musical genius!!!

Oh, hang on.


Chanelling Eddie Murphy.

You know...back when he was funny.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II. I had to watch the whole thing because I was on a date. To truly embarass myself, I picked the movie.

I don't know how many qualify as "worst," but I found a couple of lists of sports movies you might want to look at.

Cool as Ice.

No shit, Michele, I saw it in the freaking theater.

a few for consideration:
"Gemlins 2"
"Grease 2"

Slapshot 2!!! If you are unaware they made a sequal to the original there's a reason. It was so bad that even the Hanson Brothers bailed out of the movie and took only a small cameo. The movie even starred Stephen Baldwin as the Paul Newmanesque player/coach. Yeah right. Reggie Dunlop should come back and kick the $#@@ out of everyone who took part in this movie.

Joe Hollywood.

Robin Williams in Popeye.

Ringmaster is just piss poor.

Magnolia made me want to hurt somebody... specifically, the girl who made me watch it.

This one's easy.

The Incredible Melting Man. Rejected by MST3K as not being up to their usual standards of camp. (Yeah, I'm kidding, it probably was on MST3K).

Now, as for regular, mainstream movies, it would have to be If Ever I See You Again. Terrible script. Bad acting. Utterly predictable every moment. Most certainly the lowest point in what passes for Joseph Brooks's career.

It was named after the song. That pretty much says it all.

BTW, I actually paid good money to see both of those movies. In my defense, each was the first of a double bill and I was there to see the main feature.

Hawk, I forgot about Slapshot 2, you're so right. My university roommates rented it. So, so very bad.

They let you keep your kids after you dragged them to see "Kazaam"?

I thought the first 20 minutes or so of Jeepers Creepers was pretty cool. It was pretty creepy up until you find out that the guy is a moth or whatever.

A Troma film called "Combat Shock". I had just heard about Troma (brothers?) and I saw this video someplace. I thought it had something to do with Agent Orange or PTSD or something. It doesn't -- it is just crap
At this site
You will find this review:
George Carlin once did a bit on the ‘dumbing-down’ of language; how we remove the meaning and pain of an image or situation by increasing the number of syllables in the words that describe it. Carlin specifically focused on the way the term ‘shell shock’ – initially used in the First World War – eventually became known as ‘post-traumatic stress disorder’ by the time the Vietnam war was in full-carnage. Now the cult film Combat Shock adds another level to this process, as the pain of watching this film is masked – at least slightly – by the syllabic illusion that perhaps added film footage will stop the bleeding or at least reduce the pain of having to sit through this disaster of a film.
The recipe for Combat Shock reads as follows: Imagine Jacob's Ladder without the twists, the turns or the humanity. Then take whatever elements you have left (there aren’t all that many) and proceed to insult the memory of the dead and every American war veteran who survived the horror of Vietnam. The film is like a bad acid trip for schizophrenics. The story revolves around Frankie, a Vietnam War veteran (and former prisoner of war) whose life is understandably in a shambles after the war. He feels that his wife is a constant nag. Money is non-existent. His only friends are a group of junkies. And he has a deformed baby that looks somewhat like E.T. All his troubles lead up to what is likely to be considered by some to be a shocking ending. For me, it wasn’t upsetting. In fact, I found it to be a wonderfully happy ending, mainly because the film was finally over.
It’s not uncommon for movies like Combat Shock to be reviewed on a different level from mainstream fare. After all, this is a low-budget and independent production, therefore it’s easier to forgive its shortcomings and lack of realism and to just applaud the effort, at least in comparison with big money big studio productions that fall flat. It’s common to praise the director of an independent production and hope that our reviews will awaken big studios – no matter how poorly the film does in a financial sense – to director’s talent. It’s also easy to consider what the filmmakers might have done with more money and more support. Buddy Giovinazzo, writer/director of Combat Shock, will get no such support here, because even if you try hard to overlook the bad acting, the low-rent cinematography and the wartime footage that looks remarkably like it was filmed in someone’s suburban backyard, the one thing that’s still missing is even the tiniest hint of talent. And all the production money in the world can't make up for a lack of talent – just look at Roland Emmerich and Dean Devlin.
The best possible ‘director's cut’ of this film would be the stuff that was actually left on the floor of the editing room. At least nobody needs to sit through that stuff

I am extremely distraught at the thought of someone calling Ringmaster, a pinnacle of Springer goodness, a bad movie.

Now let's talk about anything with Alec Baldwin in it.

The Cook, His Wife, The Thief and Her Lover -- or something like that -- only movie I ever walked out on

1) Jury Duty, starrign Pauly Shore

2)Daredevil, starting Bean Afflict

Has anyone every seen a horrible movie called Mikey? I'm telling you that's way up there on my worst-ever list. Then again, I'd rather sit through that than Kazaam.

Oh, but wait. Does The Wickerman count?

"Sorceress". Our first hint should have been the "ABSOLUTELY NO REFUNDS" sign on the box office window. Our second hint was that it starred the Bambi twins.

Apparently, someone in porn wanted to "legitimize" them with a soft-core film about twins in medieval times who were raised-- I kid you not--without knowing they were girls. The Bambi twins, size 50DD.

Anyway. They did a riff on the Corsican Brothers (what one felt, the other felt). Except one wasn't wounded. It was sex.

Well, at least I was with three friends who could laugh at the film all the way through. We figured we paid for it, dammit, we were watching it.

Awful. My worst ever.

Highlander 2--not even Virginia Madsen nude scenes could save that turkey. Sean Connery must have really been short on dough when he made that one.

From the reviews I've seen of "Gigli," it sounds like something that we should give to the Iraqi people to torture Saddam with if they manage to capture him alive.

My list, of course, is following my top 15 movies of all time picks, but Vanilla Sky? Oh, jeez, I have that one in the DVD carousel for sometime later this evening. I guess maybe I ought to just watch Joe Dirt again, huh?


As a matter of fact, MST3K did end up doing "Melting Man." Season seven, I believe. The writers described it as on a par with "Manos: Hands of Fate" in overall blechiness.

Ehh, you people are amateurs! Amateurs, I tells ya! Why, I've seen movies that actually KILLED members of the audience. Movies that have driven men mad, that to merely mention their names would summon demons from the depths of hell to devour the unwary.

I have seen "Freddy Got Fingered" in the theater. It hovers in the depths of my soul, and wakes me in cold sweat in the middle of the night.

"Blair Witch 2" reduced one of my dearest friends to a pitiful, shattered remnant of her former self, her once youthful beauty gone forever.

"Hobgoblins" destroyed my faith in humanity, making me long for the merciful release of sweet, sweet death.

Look upon them, mortals, and despair.

Myra Breckenridge, and
The Holy Mountain.

Indecent Proposal. Oh, yeah, and Eyes Wide Shut - I saw it with friends who enjoyed it, but I distinctly remember thinking that the movie would be a great deal better if only both of the main characters just died.

Blair Witch 2? I am surprised anyone paid to see that after the original. All the promos kept sayng that Blair Witch Project was the "scariest movie ever", so sure I have got to see that! I kept waiting and waiting and ended up walking out of the theatre wondering where the scary parts were. I noticed there was not much reaction from the other people in the crowd either. As far as I could tell, the only person in the whole theatre who was scared during that movie was Heather, and she was a character in the damn movie. Still, it was better than Titanic, because I knew the boat was going to sink in Titanic before someone childed me into seeing that stupid flick. How it ever won Best Picture with that lame script is beyond me, but I suspect there were a lot of bribes paid out, either that or Leonardo Di Caprio had sex with every single member of the Academy.

And whatever you can suggest, I have seen Top Dog, which beats them all. In my defence for having seen it, it was part of a triple bill at the drive in with Rob Roy and Tank Girl.

I still can't believe I'm the only person that thinks
"The Coca-Cola Kid" and
"Stop or My Mom Will Shoot"
are two of the worst movies ever made. Oh wait, the rules did mention you had to have seen them. I might be the only person stupid enough to have watched them.

Darkman, at obvoisly what was a low point in Liam Neeson's career. A bunch of us collegieates got together to see it and for days walked around saying, "I want the pink elephant" to each other in our best 10-seconds-from-shooting-up-the-quad voices.

Hands down.

I do remember one flick that was released, and was literally showing at the dollar movies the very next day: SSSSSSS. Of course, I didn't even pay a dollar to see it, because I had never seen a movie go from opening to the being at the dollar movies so quickly, so figured it was not even worth the gamble.

Our second hint was that it starred the Bambi twins.

Apparently, someone in porn wanted to "legitimize" them with a soft-core film

I feel a flashback coming on. It's... it's.. "Rabid"! Probably the only non-porn flick done by Marilyn Chambers. She gets in an accident, has surgery, and somehow winds up with some blood sucking thing in her armpit. Unfortunately it also infects her victims with a rabies-like disease, and they turn into homicidal maniacs that attack and infect others. Hilarity ensues as Toronto succumbs to a violent epidemic.

I saw it at a drive-in back in the 70's. I think there were maybe five cars left in the lot by the final scene. I never hear people talk about this one, probably because they never saw it, or they did and they're just repressing the memory of it.


Gods and Generals - three hours of a poorly shot, poorly scripted, poorly acted made for TV movie that they threw on the big screen and in which Ted Turner (having produced it) had the enormous ego to appear.

It may not be the worst movie EVAH - but the sheer eye-drooping length of it certainly qualifies it.

Monsoon Wedding - it was a movie based on some Indian legend...or something like that...supposed to be a sexy movie but it turned to be so bad, my hubby and I decided to walk out of the theater while it was still half-playing, cos we didn't want to kill the people who seemed to be enjoying the movie so much

Oh, and Eyes Wide Shut ....i probably was just dumb..but what was the movie all about?

any Tom Greene movies..I'm sorry but that guy is NOT funny at all!!!

This is an easy one for me. This movie was so bad, it was the only time in my life I got up and left before it was over. That's how bad it was.

The movie was a sci-fi film called 'Hardware.'

It starred Dylan McDermott before he became an intolerable jackass.

I can't believe that there are positive reviews of this piece of shit.

I nominate "Darkness Falls," "Deadly Friend," and "Mulholland Drive." And I second the nomination of all the other movies listed before mine.

I've got to go with "Waking Life," which has little (if any plot), and will make you dizzy to boot.

The Phantom Menace was easily the worst-written movie ever made.

Jurassic Park was pretty bad, too, both in the horrible overacting and in the stupidity of the writing.

About Last Night ruined a great Mamet play by adding stupid scenes in between great ones and a whiny performance by Demi Moore.

Flashback with Dennis Hopper and Kiefer Sutherland was dreadful.

Neighbors with Belushi and Ackroyd, it seems to me was awful, but I was really drunk at the time and maybe it wasn't so bad.

I've kinda seen these movies. They are the only two I've ever walked out on.


Jade Scorpion

All of these are bad movies, sure, but the very worst? Captain Ron. I saw this in the theater free, one of those deals where if you paid to see one movie, you could stay for the second one free, and it's the only time I actually walked out of the theater, it was so bad. The nightmare of it haunts me to this day.

Meryl, it's the Barbi twins, not the Bambi twins.

But I understand that you probably blocked out the whole experience.

Hmmm, a lot of those nominated I agree on, but PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE by Ed Wood is going to forever be the worst movie made in cinematic history.

However, second place MUST go to Natural Born Killers.

No, Neighbors was as bad as you remembered it. In fact seeing it drunk probably made it better than it actually was. It was that bad. I once had someone tell me there was no such thing as a bad Tom Hanks movie, so I asked him if he had seen Joe vs. the Volcano?

Speaking of bad Tom Hanks movies, Castaway was nothing to write home about either. The most tragic thing associated with that movie, though, was that Wilson did not get an Academy Award nomination. Now that was a great acting performance.

I cannot believe that Gone Fishing with Mel Gibson and Danny Glover hasn't been brought up yet. Has no one seen that hideous movie?

Just dug up a review on Mr Cranky

Ishtar. Gone Fishin'. Showgirls.

In two seperate categories:

Really bad films which went straight to VCR - Chance, Soul Vengeance, Sugar Cookies, Avenging Disco Godfather, Zombie Lake, Incubus (starring William Shatner)

Films which are known - Batman and Robin, El Topo (the Mole), Highlander 2, Crybaby

Manos: The Hands Of Fate was amazingly, excruciatingly bad, but I only saw it on MST3K. Don't know if it counts or not.

The first "Charlie's Angels" movie was so horrid I still shudder to think about it.

Wilson was great in Castaway. If we all had such a friend ...

Ok ok, some of you guys are mentioning movies that, while they're not cinematic gold, are not BAD movies. Some are entertaining. I saw TRON listed as a bad movie. It wasn't. Natural Born Killers? It was bad as in the BAD TASTE variety but it was entertaining. When you pick a bad movie, you're supposed to go with one that has LITTLE OR NO ENTERTAINMENT VALUE!! THAT, my friends, is a bad movie, and Kazam was definitely a bad movie.

Vanilla Sky wasn't a horrible flick, in fact, I thought it was excellent until the "It was all just a dream" ending where he realized that he had been in cryogenic freeze for 150 years. But, the movie keeps you guessing pretty much until the end. Though I heard the foreign film it is based on was much better.

Highlander 2, though not following the series at all (hey, what Hilander movie besides the original did?) Was STILL, for what it was, an entertaining movie. It wasn't box office gold, but really, what is?

Jeepers Creepers was a good flick, intense, until you actually SEE the monster halfway through the movie. Until then, you see him in Far, Long shots that make you wonder who or what he is, but when he shows himself to be the humanoid gargoyle, then it kinda does get a little, well, campy. They should have saved showing him till the end of the flick.

Jurassic park was not a BAD movie either. Sure the acting wasn't top notch, especially with the cast they had, you would have thought that it would be, but the action and special effects were ahead of it's time really. Until then, there wasn't really a whole lot of digital effects in movies, Jurassic Park changed that. Though now there's too much digital, but still, Jurassic Park proved that you could use digital effects to at least ENHANCE a movie.

And Robin Williams as Popeye? I remember loving that movie when I was a kid. Sure it is campy and cheesy, but that adds to the endearing quality of the movie, And, no one could have played Olive Oyl as well as Shelly Duvall. NO ONE! :)

come on you guys, at BAD movies you are ALL amatures. Well, not you Michele, Wickerman was pretty bad hehe

And now for something comepletely different: The BAD movies:

TROLL 2 was one of the all time worst movies in history. It even beats Plan Nine. At least Plan Nine was campy and you could laugh at it. TROLL 2 was nothing short of nausiating. I admit, I watched it till the end, but, I had a raging headache at the end and lost faith in humanity at the same time.
ANY of the teen movies out there are just bad bad bad. Like someone mentioned before, any lifetime movie is horrible. Anything with Vallerie Burtanelli, unless it's the show One Day At A Time, which I remember liking as a child, though, watching it now I would probably have other opinions.
Big Top Pee-Wee was horrible. Pee-Wee's Big Adventure was entertaining, if not juvenile.
Snow Dogs was incredibly bad, Jack Frost, Pumpkin Head 2, just about any of the Nightmare on Elm Street movies excluding 1, 2, and New Nightmare,
3 Ninjas, and 3 Ninjas kick back were terrible,
though i haven't seen it, Kangaroo Jack looked horrible just in the previews
National Lampoon's Vegas Vacation just wasn't up to par in the Vacation series,
Free Willy and Free Willy 2,
Are you guys seeing a pattern here?

Anyway, that's my take on the whole thing. What do ya think?

Oh, and when I said any of the teen movies were bad, I meant any of the teen movies of the 90's. Movies like The Breakfast Club and and Rock And Roll Highschool were pretty awesome, if not campy. :) Lucas was cool too :)

Passage to India was the only film I ever walked out on. It was that stupid. I think it won some awards, too....like Best Motion Picture, Best Director and shit like that. Unfuckingbelievable.

One of the worst Oscar nominated films was The Royal Tenenbaums. The script was confused and leaden, the actors mumbled and schticked their way thru a cast of characters that simply were not compelling enought to see it to the end.

I bailed...but then I have a very low Ben Stiller tolerance.

every seen 'Mars Attacks'? well don't...


Mars Attacks, though, wasn't trying to take itself as a serious flick. Mars Attacks was supposed to be a parody of the old "Aliens come to earth to annihilate the planet after making us think they were peaceful" movies that were popular in the 50's and 60's. So, when you watch it, it's not supposed to be with a serious attitude. The bad effects? They're SUPPOSED to be bad. :)

Has no one seen the all midget cast in The Terror of Tiny Town?!
When the west was wild, and the men were midgets riding shetland ponies?

To be truly, earth-shatteringly, mind-bogglingly bad, a movie must also be pretentious, which eliminates most of the pretenders above. My Private Idaho is what you're looking for. You haven't lived until you've seen Keanu Reeves break into "Shakespearean" gibberish at intervals for no apparent reason. On second thought, maybe you have.

Grumpy Old Men (or the sequel)
The Arrival (horrible! horrible!)
Phantom Menace
Dancer in the Dark. ( I have very specific reason for this - it just went all wrong towards the end and reduced me to a pile of tears - scared the HELL out of me when I was expecting a nice movie with great music about a blind woman trying to save her son.) I know the rule is movies without entertainment value, but I just have to interject that one so the world knows how much I hated that film.

I've seen many, many more movies that I felt had no entertainment value, but I know lots of people won't agree. I'm REALLY picky when it comes to movies.

Comment above was mine....whoops.

Wing Commander. Very very bad. Never watch that movie.

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