Acme products to the rescue: how i captured saddam
[Meryl doesn't have to particpate because she issued the challenge]
The air-drop arrived just as I expected. I had been briefed on the situation and I knew that the only way they could get me necessary equipment was through an Acme air-drop.
I opened the crate carefully. You never know when a rabbit is going to stow away in one of those things. Inside, was just the thing I needed to set off on my mission to find and capture Saddam: Instant Girl. I checked the quanity. Yep, just the specified amount.
I was a long way from where I needed to be. An informant tipped me off as to where Saddam was seen last, and I was sure that he would still be there. I whipped out my hitchiker's thumb and stood by the side of Route 666.
A few cars passed by without so much as a second glance my way. Can't say I blame them. How often do you see a man in a three piece suit and shades standing on the highway, hitching a ride? Not often, I bet. I must have looked like Tommy Lee Jones in Men in Black. I guess the drivers thought if they picked me up, they would run the risk of getting eaten by aliens. If they only knew that the secrets I carried lent themselves to a fate far, far worse than slimy green monsters.
Finally, a run down pick-up truck on it's last breath stopped. I hopped into the cab and told the fellow where I wanted to go. He balked. He just wouldn't go to that part of town, he told me. I flashed my badge at him and he stammered an apology, saying he would take me as far as the edge of the town I needed to get to. Fair enough.
We got to the edge of town, I thanked Mr. Hillbilly and whipped out my roller skis. If I wanted to make this capture, I needed to get there before 5pm. It was already 4:50. I swished my way through the center of town, knocking people down and upturning garbage cans. I didn't care. My chase was almost over.
Finally, at 4:59, I was standing in front of the Parker Avenue Deli and Lotto Parlor. I hastily scrambled around to the back door and waited. My patience paid off. At 5:01, I heard the sound of a time clock being punched. The back door swung open. And there before me stood Saddam Hussein - once proud leader of a rogue nation, now fugitive deli clerk. What a sad, sad sight to see him there in his white apron, stinking from the smell of salami.
I leaped out from behind the door and jumped on the unsuspecting murderer. I landed two karate chops to his head and one to his neck. He fought valiantly, but he was weak from slicing cold cuts all day and could not put up enough fight to overcome my strength. In just two minutes, he was passed out cold on the ground.
I whistled loudly and a moving van obediently heeded my call and pulled up right next to me. I opened the back door and entered the cargo portion of the van. There, I took out my bottle of Instant Girl and squirted exactly 72 doses onto the floor.
Lo and behold, 72 beautiful women appeared in the space before me.
I heard Saddam stirring and ran out to him.
Where am I? What's happened? He was clearly confused, thanks to my knock-out blow to his head.
Saddam Hussein, you are dead. You have passed over into the great beyond and it is time for your just award!
Saddam looked around quizically.
This is the afterlife?
Yes, just look over there. Your 72 virgins await.
I pointed to the back of the moving van and Saddam's eyes widened. A grin spread across his face.
It is true! It is true! Praise Allah!
With that, Saddam ran into the van to great his girls. As soon as he entered I slammed the door shut, locked it from the outside and motioned for the driver to take him away to the state penetentiary, where one Mr. Ashcroft was waiting for him.