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choose your own adventure: finish the vegan zombie storyline for me

Iím stuck at this one part of the zombie story. See, there are these straight edge/vegan type undead people. What do vegan zombies eat? I canít imagine that they would be comfortable eating brains and flesh.

Zombie 1: Braaaaaaaains! Breakfast! Braaaaaaaaains!
Vegan Zombie: What?!? We have to eat brains?
Zombie 1: Duh. Weíre the undead. Donít you watch horror movies?
Vegan Zombie: No, horror movies are demeaning.
Zombie. Right. Well, I donít know how you are planning on replenishing your energy, but Iím about to get me some brains. I happen to know there are plenty of living humans hiding over in that school down the block.
Vegan Zombie: I canít....
Zombie: Youíre a zombie, damn it! Act like one!
Vegan Zombie: Please, stop calling me that. I prefer life-challenged.
Zombie. Whatever. Itís your unlife.

Vegan Zombie eyes some wildflowers in a field.

VZ: Iíll eat those.

The group of zombies sheís with all begin to point and laugh at her.

VZ: You laugh at me because Iím different than you. But I am obviously morally superior.
Zombie 2: Zombies donít have morals, you idiot.
Zombie 1: Hey, letís go get those brains while theyíre fresh. Iím starving. Are you coming, miss PETA?
VZ: I should think not. Iíd rather die a million deaths than succumb to the cannibalistic culinary taste of you neanderthals.
Zombie 2: Hey, do zombies eat zombies?
Zombie 1: I donít see why not? I bet she tastes like chicken.

So, where should I take this vegan zombie storyline? At some point she falls in love with a live-human PETA representative. Think of this as a choose your own adventure, where youíre either the vegan zombie or zombie 1 or 2. I promise you part of the royalties when I make this star-studded box office smash, using a hand-held cam and action figures.


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Michele has a few questions about Vegan Zombies which are just dying to be answered. Check it out. (I have... [Read More]


Let's see... the vegan zombie falls in love with the PETA representative, but tragically can't resist the sweet lure of delicious brainsssss and ends up splitting his skull open to get at them, only to find... nothing.

Sorry, I know it's an obvious joke, but it's all I've got.

I think your question regarding vegan zombie eating habits can be found in The X-Files:

(Later, MULDER and SCULLY watch as the scene in the graveyard is being filmed. SUGAR BEAR, the director, is with the camera crew.)

WOMAN: Rolling!

SUGAR BEAR: And rollando! Come on, now, kick it in the ass and action, zombies!

(The scene starts. ZOMBIES do their zombie thing. TEA LEONI screams as one of them bites her shoulder. Then the ZOMBIE pauses. His mouth full.)

ZOMBIE: What is this?

SUGAR BEAR: Cut! Go ahead, ruin my career.

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT : What seems to be the problem, Mr. Zombie, sir?

ZOMBIE: (mouth still full) What the hell is this? What the hell's in my mouth? What's Tea Leoni's shoulder made out of?

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT: Uh, craft service, what is Tea Leoni's shoulder made of?

TINA THE CRAFT SERVICE GIRL: Turkey, just like you asked for.

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT: Turkey. Ms. Leoni's shoulder's made of turkey.

ZOMBIE: Tofurkey! I asked for tofurkey! I'm a vegetarian! Half the zombies are vegetarian! Oh, my God!

(The TOFURKEY ZOMBIE spits the meat out and runs off the set yelling: )

TOFURKEY ZOMBIE: The people are made out of turkey!


Damn. Zombies everywhere. I'm starting to feel like one of the crowd. Michele, is this about some deeply hidden crush you have on me? Heh.

Just kidding...

Vegan Zombies only eat hippie-shaped tofu.

And here I am depressed that you didn't call me when you got stuck on the script. Don't you know by now that when your life calls for psychotic ramblings you should just press my name on your speed-dial? And after all the trouble I went through to sneak into your house and program that damn phone for you, too.

Ungrateful wench.


I prefer Spurky...you know Turkey Spam.

As for zombies, maybe they can live of of positive waves or something. What a veganzombie in Berkeley do?

Questions... always questions.

Think of it as evolution in action.

You have the start of a screenplay there.

Just to play devil's advocate here...what happens if a zombie doesn't eat brains? Do they starve to death?

Have the vegan zombie eat its own brains. Light snack, I know, but poetic justice.

Here is my contribution. I'm going to post your intro and my elements onto another site, as I think it is worth it's own post. I had fun. Thanks for the idea, I hope you like it.



Z1 - Zombie 1 - Normal, brain-eating Zombie
vZ - Vegan Zombie - Will not eat meat, but will perish soon if it does not eat
Zx - Zombie Group - Remainder of Zombies who are mocking and debating eating vZ
H1 - Human 1 - Normal, Zombie killing human
vH - Vegan Human - Love interest of vZ
Hx - Human Group - Ultimate target of all Zombies

As the Zombies move down the hill toward the schoolyard, a discussion continues on what vZ will use for nourishment:

Z1 : So, if you won't eat fresh brains, you are going to become inanimate.
vZ : I don't care. I'd rather rot into nothing than eat a brain.
Zx1: (whisper) I think vZ has enough brains left, we could eat them.
Zx2: (whipser) Let's wait until we've finished off these school children. He can be a "reserve".

(On the other side of town, two humans stand guard on the ever-vigilant Zombie Lookout.)
H1 : Hey (Human 2), do you see that large crowd of Zombies approaching the school yard?
vH : Yeah, their hideous - well, except that one - he's pretty cute.
H1 : Oh, you're sick. He'll eat you alive.
vH : Ooooh, I hope so - it's been a while, if you know what I mean.
H1 : Well, maybe if you didn't scream at people who eat meat about how they're going to hell for it,
you could have a decent conversation.
vH : (Screaming) But they are going to hell! They are going to rot in hell for their disgusting vile
actions and horrible things they do to animals.
H1 : What-evah. Well, then I guess you won't have any problem helping me send these Zombies to hell
before they eat the brains of those school children, right?
vH : Oh, hell no - load up!
(Sound of weapons readying, they jump into a truck and begin driving toward school yard.)

Z1 : Well, before The Evil Lich™ raised you as an undead Zombie, were you a Vegan?
vZ : Of course!
Zx : (group comments) Lamer! Wanker! What a schmuck.
Zx3: (whisper) He does look good for a Zombie though.
Z1 : Hey! Knock it off.
Zx2: Bah! Who died and made you King?
Z1 : Listen, The Evil Lich™ raised me FIRST, so I must be the leader. So chill out or I'll rip your
head off.
Zx2: Ooooh, Mr. Tough Guy. Hey, here's a news flash - it ain't that tough.
(Zx2 reaches over and rips off the head of nearby Zombie, holding the head as body collapses.)
I'm soooo scared.
(Zombies reach edge of school yard and begin terrorizing children who scream and run into building.)
(Heros are still driving madly through rush hour traffic toward school yard.)

vH : Ya know, we aren't going to be much help to the school kids if you get us killed along the way.
H1 : I'm kinda busy here, isn't it time for you to take your vitamins or something?
vH : Oh yeah, almost forgot. Gotta make up for the minerals I don't get from meat.
(vH opens belt pouch and counts out a small handful of various vitamins. Pops them into mouth,
chokes, then eventually swallows them with the help of a tepid drink.)
vH : (gagging) Oh GOD! How long has that been there?
H1 : What, my urine sample? Just since this morning.
(vH makes puking sound.)
H1 : (laughing) GOTCHA! No, that's a Mountain Dew from a few days ago. Don't worry, they put vegatible oil in it.
vH : Really?
H1 : Yeah, it "flattens the fizz" - so you'll drink it faster. Dentists love people who drink it.
vH : Hmmm. Yeah. But dentists poison you by putting lead in your fillings.
H1 : Oh SHUT UP!
vH : Whaaat?

(Zombies begin punching holes in building, children are screaming, huddled in center of room.)

Z1 : So, have you figured out what you are going to eat?
vZ : No. But maybe we should check out the school cafeteria. They serve things that humans can't
eat, maybe some of it will be palatable to me now.
Zx3: Yeah, you could get some jello. (laughs)
vZ : Shut Up.
Zx3: Whaaat?
(Z1 and vZ shuffle towards cafeteria)

(H1 and vH arrive at school yard, begin shooting zombies just as they breach the building.)
H1 : (Shouting) Yeah! Take that! You want some!? Come On!
vH : (Reloading) Do you have to yell like that? It's giving me a headache.
H1 : (Snorts) Please. Just 'cause you don't have enough meat in your diet to handle a job like
killing Zombies, don't think I'm gonna change my Zombie Killing Mannerisms™.
vH : You can be such a jerk.
(vH and H1 move off in separate directions. vH enters cafeteria where Z1 and vZ are rummaging though
the "food".)

Z1 : Yech! This tastes awful! Here, you'll probably like it. (Hands item to vZ.)
vZ : (Drops item) Are you even looking? That's a bar of soap! Jeeze.
vH : Freeze!
(Z1 and vZ turn to find vH aiming gun at them. vH and vZ gaze into each other's eye's and have a
vH : (moves mouth but words don't come out)
Z1 : Gee, I thought only Zombies and fish did that. Can you moan? Cause then I'd know you weren't a
vH : (partially regaining composure) I'm not a fish!
Z1 : Good, I don't like fish. (Begins to move toward vH.)
vH : (yelling) I said freeze!
vZ : I won't hurt you. I don't eat meat.
vH : (Entranced by vZ) Really? I'm a Vegan too. (blushes)
vZ : (Tilts head and smiles) Wow. To think I had to die to meet someone like you.
(During conversation, both Z1 and vZ continue to encroach on vH. vH is entranced by vZ and doesn't notice. The gun slowly wavers and lowers.)
vH : (sniffs the air) That's ... uhh .. a nice cologne you're wearing.
vZ : I haven't been dead for long. It's a natural scent. I never used to wear cologne when I was
alive. All that animal testing, you know.
vH : Really!? Me neither. I hate what people do to animals.
Z1 : (to self) gag. I don't know whose head I'm gonna rip off first. But some fresh brains would be
(With vH distracted by vZ, Z1 reaches for vH's head.)
(--- commercial break ---) /evil laugh

(Door crashes open, H1 shoots Z1 just as Z1 was about the eat vH. Z1 collapses to the ground.)
(H1 aims at vZ, who is very close to vH, and fires -- but the gun has no rounds left.)
(vH realizes the peril he is in, raises gun and aims at vZ.)

vZ : (sultry) I told you I don't eat meat.
vH : (wavers)
H1 : (yelling) Kill it!
vH : (stutters) But, but you're a Zombie - you eat brains.
vZ : But I'm not like the others.
vH : Really?
vZ : Yes. I don't eat meat. (Extends arms for embrace.)
vH : (hesitates, lowers gun and moves to embrach vZ.)
H1 : (frantically attempting to reload)(screaming) KILL IT! Are you mad? Has your meat-deprived brain
lost touch with reality? It's a ZOMBIE?
vZ : (perky) So your brain has no meat?
vH : (lovingly) No, I'm a Vegan - I've never eaten meat.
vZ : Oh. Well then you should make a nice meal.
(vZ rips open vH's head, extracts brain and begins devouring it.)
vZ : (with mouth full) Ummmm. Delicious. Tastes just like chicken.
H1 : (In horror, finally reloads weapon and empties contents into vZ, who collapse to the ground.)

(After a moment of reflection, H1 sighs and picks up vH's weapon.)
H1 : Well, no point in letting this get confiscated.

(So, with the city safe from the horde of Zombies, H1 returns to the school yard to receive a "proper" reward from the ever-so-grateful school teacher.) /zip

[The End]

(Sorry about the formatting. I guess I could've picked names, but you can insert your own if you like.)

At some point she falls in love with a live-human PETA representative

Well. That's a fine howdy-do...since we all know that PETA members have no brain...where does our Zombiette go from there?

Obviously neither do I, sorry Evil...stepped on your comment. I read them all, honest...brain fart is the only explanation.

Unlike feste, I didn't read all the comments (didn't read Jon's opus---sorry Jon, too long). But it's clear that vegan zombies would eat cauliflower.

Oh God Michele!! You have really given me an idea here for the screenplay I want to write!! Seriously, I think it would be hilarious!! Vegan Zombies, they could be called Vezombiegans or something. Om my god, AWESOME!! hehe

Nice threat like for me!