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the essay portion of the test

What I entered in the PETA essay contest:

What I am Going to Say to Mom and Dad to Get Them to Cut Up Their Credit Cards so the Baby Elephants Don't Cry.

[see post below this for reference]

First, I would ask my mom and dad to come in my room cause I want to talk to them. Then I would clean up my room a little (cause it's always really messy and that pisses mom off and sometimes dad will get out the belt, but don't worry it's not a real leather belt, it's like plastic or something) and I would turn down my stereo and they would come and sit on my bed.

And then I'd say to them: Mom and Dad, your Master Card is killing elephants. That's right, killing elephants. I mean, for god's sake mom, you might as well be a poacher.

And then they would look at me and my dad would say, Watchoo talkin' bout Willis? (cause our last name is Willis) and I would tell them about the circus. And my mom would say, is this really important? because I have to go to a G8 protest in a few minutes and I have, like, nothing to wear and no rocks or spray paint left. And I would say, uh..like, yes mom. And she would say, whatEVER and she would roll her eyes and meanwhile my dad would be picking through my dirty laundry to make sure I wasn't wearing thongs like he told me not to cause it makes me look like a dirty little slut.

Anyhow, I would tell them some more about the cirucs and Master Card and how everytime they use the card baby jesus cries and mom would say, honey, we are Unitarians, so it doesn't matter if baby jesus cries. His tears will just water all the flowers anyhow. And dad will be like, is this gonna take all day, because my probation officer is expecting me, and I'd be like, well dad, just leave me your credit card and I'll take care of the problem, ok? And dad would look at me like i'm crazy and then I'd flash him my prettiest smile and maybe let him look down my shirt and he'd give me his card right away, but he would stop off in the bathroom before he went to his probation meeting (he was arrested for breaking into Wal-Mart to protest the horrible way they treat their employees, but I don't know why he was taking all the Olsen Twins action figure dolls, like, what do they have to do with employment standards?)

So anyhow, mom would sit there and pretend like she's listening to me and she would say "jesus, girl. if you would just shut up, I'll give you the fucking card." So I would shut up and she would give me the card and I would go to my desk and get the scissors, which are still stained with the blood from the last time I tried to kill myself. Or maybe that's the cat's blood, I'm not sure.

So then mom and dad would both leave the house and I'd have their credit cards. So I'd call up all my friends and we'd meet at Starbucks and order the Venti size of everything, plus some scones and then we'd go out for burgers and find out of there's anyone in this neighborhood that takes credit cards for crack.

If I win the essay contest, that would be really cool cause then maybe I could sell the stuff on eBay so I can get enough money for those leather boots I want.

Missy Willis
Long Island, New York


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Stellar! :D

Rock on! I love it!

I wrote a little story about vegans and their sorry mental state.
When we have put the vegan hen in charge of the fox den. The kit foxes will be pecking for food and stop devouring field mice. When they grow up they'll start calling the other foxes mice murderers and parade out their beliefs whenever they need a self-esteem boost. Nothing makes a vegifox feel better than claiming to more civilized than the bloodthirsty, unrefined cro-magfox. After the the other foxes poke fun at them for clucking and pecking, they tell the mice murderers that mice are poison. But all along wishing someone would invent mouse flavored grits, never wondering why they long for that fleshy good taste. Caring for others soon becomes a pretense to divert the other foxes from the invictiveness of their judgments. But feeling envy is important to the vegifox, their whole world is wrapped up in themselves. It's "me me me" to the poor piteous vegifox, it can't be any other way.

MIssy will win for sure.....but not the PETA contest. She'll win a Nobel Prize for writing...as she should.

True story: I worked with a guy who owned a Vegan dog. I swear to... whatever. The dog was a Rottweiler that was allergic to meat: it had to eat a special diet of rice and peanut butter.

This kinda has something to do with the subject... right? Oh never mind me, I've been attempting to pack the magically growing pile of stuff in my apartment. The more I pack, the more I have. The more I throw out, the more I have. Make. It. Stop.

Bless Dr. Atkins, the greatest promoter of cow and pig slaughter in our time.

Absolutely wonderful! Kick ass, continually...

Very cool. Man do I miss those days. I think I'll write my next white paper in the style of the 13-year old essayist.

That was truly beautiful.

Be sure to put that in your book.

You. Are. So. Warped.

Imperial Falconer

Is Missy any relation to Wesley Willis, the famous black singer? Now THAT would be funny!