the essay portion of the test
What I entered in the PETA essay contest:
What I am Going to Say to Mom and Dad to Get Them to Cut Up Their Credit Cards so the Baby Elephants Don't Cry.
[see post below this for reference]
First, I would ask my mom and dad to come in my room cause I want to talk to them. Then I would clean up my room a little (cause it's always really messy and that pisses mom off and sometimes dad will get out the belt, but don't worry it's not a real leather belt, it's like plastic or something) and I would turn down my stereo and they would come and sit on my bed.
And then I'd say to them: Mom and Dad, your Master Card is killing elephants. That's right, killing elephants. I mean, for god's sake mom, you might as well be a poacher.
And then they would look at me and my dad would say, Watchoo talkin' bout Willis? (cause our last name is Willis) and I would tell them about the circus. And my mom would say, is this really important? because I have to go to a G8 protest in a few minutes and I have, like, nothing to wear and no rocks or spray paint left. And I would say, uh..like, yes mom. And she would say, whatEVER and she would roll her eyes and meanwhile my dad would be picking through my dirty laundry to make sure I wasn't wearing thongs like he told me not to cause it makes me look like a dirty little slut.
Anyhow, I would tell them some more about the cirucs and Master Card and how everytime they use the card baby jesus cries and mom would say, honey, we are Unitarians, so it doesn't matter if baby jesus cries. His tears will just water all the flowers anyhow. And dad will be like, is this gonna take all day, because my probation officer is expecting me, and I'd be like, well dad, just leave me your credit card and I'll take care of the problem, ok? And dad would look at me like i'm crazy and then I'd flash him my prettiest smile and maybe let him look down my shirt and he'd give me his card right away, but he would stop off in the bathroom before he went to his probation meeting (he was arrested for breaking into Wal-Mart to protest the horrible way they treat their employees, but I don't know why he was taking all the Olsen Twins action figure dolls, like, what do they have to do with employment standards?)
So anyhow, mom would sit there and pretend like she's listening to me and she would say "jesus, girl. if you would just shut up, I'll give you the fucking card." So I would shut up and she would give me the card and I would go to my desk and get the scissors, which are still stained with the blood from the last time I tried to kill myself. Or maybe that's the cat's blood, I'm not sure.
So then mom and dad would both leave the house and I'd have their credit cards. So I'd call up all my friends and we'd meet at Starbucks and order the Venti size of everything, plus some scones and then we'd go out for burgers and find out of there's anyone in this neighborhood that takes credit cards for crack.
If I win the essay contest, that would be really cool cause then maybe I could sell the stuff on eBay so I can get enough money for those leather boots I want.
Long Island, New York