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Beat on the Brat(wurst) with a baseball bat


By now I'm sure you've all heard about the Pirates Randall Simon whacking the sausage in front of everyone in Milwaulkee.

Hey, David Cone was once accused of beating his own sausage in the Mets bullpen, so this isn't really so bad in comparison.

I'm going out for a little while, so I thought I would leave you with a contest of sorts. The media has been going batty with headlines for this incident, but I don't think they've taken it quite as far it can go. So, your job is to come up with either 1) a headline, 2) a caption for above picture 3) a fake quote relating to the incident or 4) if you are Photoshop inclined, a re-working of this picture or any other photo you can find on this subject in the news.

ESPN is blaming PETA, by the way.

Have fun and don't disappoint me. I know you are just dying to sink your teeth into this juicy story.

To concerned emailers: Part 3 (the final part) of this story will be published this evening


Phony - Randall Simon: "I'll pay whatever fine they want to assess, but I want credit for a double in the official stats."

Real - Rick Schlessinger, Brewers executive vice president for business operations: "This is one of the most outrageous things I've ever seen inside a ballpark or outside a ballpark," he said. "It sickened me to see it."

Apparently, old Rick has somehow managed to avoid seeing the Milwaukee Brewers...

Hunting has changed drastically in the technological age.

He ordered the 'super-sized' pinata.

Welcome to this edition of: "When animals.. er.. baseball players attack!"

Well, Christopher Johnson title his post "From Bad to Wurst", but obviously it should've been "From Bat to Wurst".

"Holy penis envy Batman!"


I'm actually impressed that a member of the Pirates swung a bat and hit something.

Maybe this could be a new game at Disney World...Pirates of the Delicatessen.

You know, you've got to feel for Randall Simon--he had to have dreamed all of his childhood of becoming a major league baseball player, and having done so, he will almost certainly retire (voluntarily or otherwise) being famous for precisely two things:

--being called a "fat monkey" by uber-redneck and fellow future Trivial Pursuit question John Rocker, and;

--proving just how meager his batting skills were by whacking a nineteen year old girl upside the head with a Louisville Slugger, only to have her get up complaining of skinned knees

This man has a future of being laughed at in sports bars awaiting him.

"Ironically the woman was in the sausage."

"He shows even less bat discipline at the plate."

"Today, Pittsburgh Pirate Randall Simon was fined $342 for hitting a woman in a sausage costume with a bat. In related news, Boston Globe columnist Bob Ryan was suspended from his job for a month without pay for saying that he thought the incident was "funny"."

"Oh I'm glad I'm not an Oscar Meyer wiiieeee-nerrrrrr..."

Good headline, or horribly punny, awful headline?

For the later, how 'bout "Ahoy, meaty"? Or "Avast, scurvy (hot) dog"?

Or maybe just "Simon beats meat."


Best. Headline. Ever.

"Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh, oh..."

(Yours, that is, Michele.) =)

I don't think it can be beat.

(Pun was unavoidable.)

Simon: "WHAT?!?!? It wasn't Hillary? Damnit!

Simon turns Italian sausage into knockwurst.

Simon mashes banger.

PETA insists no link to summer sausage snag.

OK, that's it. I'm done.

Was "Meat IS Murder" too obvious?