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a poignant conversation with a child about hockey and body parts

DJ comes running up to greet me as I pull in the driveway after work. He's screaming:

Mom! Mom! Mooooooooooom!

I jump out of the car, thinking the house in on fire or he's finally killed his sister.

What is it? What's the matter??

He's huffing and puffing.

The...Rangers.....they....got rid of....

He stops to catch a breath. There is fury in his eyes.

They got rid of Messier and Leetch!

I kind of understand his panic and frustration.

Where?, I ask.


The disappointment sets in. He sits down on the front steps and puts his head in his hands. He sighs deeply. The old guard of the Rangers is gone.

That's it, he says. I am now officially an Islander fan. I will not, not, not be a Ranger fan anymore!

This had been simmering a long time. His grandparents are Islander fans. He goes to Islander games. He has an Islander jersey. I knew all it would take was one upsetting trade.

Hey, DJ. I sit down next to him. You don't just give up on a team like that. They have to do what's best for them, not for the fans. Now, would you desert the Yankees if they traded Jeter?

Get real, mom. He looks at me like I lost my head. No one deserts the Yankees. They're like...your liver or something. You know, like... a body part?

So the Rangers are disposable?

The Rangers are like that body part, what's it called? That thing you can live without. A pendix?


Right. A pendix. And the Yankees are like...

Your liver?

No, like, a penis. Like, really important.

You have too much testosterone.


Nevermind. Let's go call grandma and tell her you're an Islander fan now.

Maybe they'll put me back in the will, now.


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Oh my god!! That is freaking hilarious! I was laughing so hard I think I mighta peed a little!

I love a story with a happy ending!

Not long ago we had a discussion on this very subject on a message board (http://www.theeyeliners.com) I frequent. I'm a big Mark Messier fan too, but the fact is that what the Rangers have been doing the last few years obviously hasn't worked. I think it's actually a sign of sanity if they start shedding some of their great players with big salaries who are nearing the end of their careers and start bringing in some talented young players to take their place. Now if they turn around and bring in Mario Lemieux, as has been rumored, it'll just show that they STILL haven't learned their lesson...

Sorry - got wrapped up thinking about hockey and forgot to say that it is a very funny story!

As a longtime Cubs Fan, I'd have to agree with DJ that the Yankees are like a bunch of dicks...

(ducks quickly)

so funny. Even my guys at 5 think the penis is the most important body part

As a lifelong Yankee fan I agree with your son.
Eat your heart out.

Not to be picky, but what the Rangers did isn't all that uncommon. To avoid completely losing a player for nothing to free agency, a team will trade a player that they can't sign before the date of free agency (today) for future considerations, picks, and sometimes (in the case of Leetch) players to another team. Usually this second team can't/won't sign the player that they get, so the traded player (in this case, Leetch and Messier) will likely be signed by another team (in this case, the Rangers). That second team will likely recieve a compensatory pick in the next draft and/or future considerations for doing so. It's win-win for both sides.

So expect Leetch and Messier to be back in blue. Unless they sign to a different team. Sorry for the length, I just wanted to point that out. Good story by the way. I especially agree that the Rangers are expendable-given that I'm a Devils fan.

Seems like the fella has it all about figured out.


Now that that's out of the way...

I, myself, had a day or two of insane ranting due to the subject of hockey trades. In my case it was the rumor of Jagr for Eric "Glass Head" Lindros. Not so much for giving up Jagr as for getting a walking vegetable in his place. It's taken me two years to not be nauseus at the sight of Jagr in a Caps' jersey. To trade him now would mean that all my efforts were for naught.. Luckily, it was just a rumor (for now, anyway) and I didn't have to cancel my season tickets in protest.

grew up near detroit. rangers ... islanders ... (devils) ... well whatever. that sounds like a terrible terrible trade though. your boy is smart if brainwashed about baseball.

yankees? ... fade yankees fade! ... go tigers! (realignment totally sucks)

all together now, meew!

oh, i am so lonely this year.

You must be very proud.

Hope you made him some fishsticks to celebrate....

DJ cracks me up. Just about every time you write about him I end up laughing.

Boys. :-)

I heard the rest of the Rangers drowned in Spring Training...is that true?

At least they will have an excuse to suck now.

And, Wind Rider, at least the Yankees don't have to cork bats to make news.

Muhahaha... my evil plan worked! I subliminally turned Dj into an Islander fan with recordings of the Chicken Dance (Islander fan style) while he slept!

Da da da da da da da
Da da da da da da da
Da da da da da da da!

Dear Michele,

Write a novel. Please.



Aw man.. Wind Rider beat me to my joke.. I do like that he changed from the liver to the penis to make sure you knew it was REALLY important..

Heh. Fishsticks.

Penis and Fishsticks. That kid is better than some stand up comics.

How old is Messier? 60 or so? Leetch, how many games has he played in the last five years and how many did he dit out injured? Good Riddance. Gotta make room for Sergei the CRY BABY!