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Tales from the courthouse: God speaks

Never so fast has an ex parte letter been one-upped. Received just minutes ago:

Dear Judge:

One of the stipulation of God is St. Mark, 2:10: But forgive that ye may know that the son of man hath power upon the earth to forgive mansí sins.

God has ordained me to let you know that he has forgiven me of my sins. So that means we are looking for my immediate release from Nassau County jail.

His faith just may be shattered.


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» Letters To Your Honor from Wizbang
Michele at A Small Victory has two hilarious examples of ex parte letters to the bench here and here. Note to defendants: To ensure that your feelings are known, make sure to read or paraphrase your letter in court at... [Read More]


Oh, now that's amusing. Thanks for sharing the laugh 'cause I sure needed it today!

Somebody needs to tell this simpleton that just because God forgave him of his sins doesn't mean he can't suffer the consequences that landed him in the slammer in the first place.

Tell him God forgives but Nassau County does not.

Dar beat me to it.

He is forgiven of his sins by God; Nassau County has other ideas.

C'mon, guys. I think Nassau County can forgive if God can. Surely they will listen when God takes the stand as a character witness.

[insert cheap joke] "...so help me Me".

You could send him a reply back defining the differences between the Law of God and the Law of Man that quotes scripture - "Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, render unto God that which is God's."

I can top that, and it doesn't even involve God.

A decade or so ago our chief resident Superior Court judge was packing someone off for a good, long concrete vacation. The moment he finished passing sentence, the guilty party shouted, "Fuck you!"

"That motion," the judge replied calmly just before slamming his gavel down, "is denied."

His soul may belong to God, but his ass belongs to Nassau County :)

Of course, the penal system lacks the fun and amusement of how we punished prisoners, when we could use gibbets, the iron maiden, and the auto de fay went all of the way ;)

This reminds me of a supposedly true story to the effect that some unbalanced individual once filed a lawsuit naming God as the defendant. As is usual when a lawsuit is filed, process was issued to inform the defendant that he was being sued, and these were forwarded to the officers in charge of serving them on people who were on the bore of the barrel side of such proceedings. The papers came back to the court indicating that they had not been served, stating as the reason that "God could not be found in [Whatever] County."

Re: Ratbane's story. Another I heard from a lawyer, supposed a true story: Someone sued the devil, but the suit foundered on the instructions on how to serve the papers.

Try as I might, I couldn't think of a clever way to work Lyle Lovett's God Will into this...

...let's try that link again (I blame the thunderstorm... yeah, that's the ticket...)


I take some solace in seeing others having the same trouble with links, but still...


Let me guess, that was written by a Catholic Priest? ;)

Had the prisoner been watching "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?" and received his dunking by osmosis?
He needs to go down to the river to pray.

Someone sued the devil, but the suit foundered on the instructions on how to serve the papers.

Suingthe devil wouldn't work. Think of how many lawyers Satan has :)

I'm sure he'll be shouting to god when the 'penile' system enters HIM.