Tales from the courthouse: What not to say in ex parte letters
In case you're thinking about writing to a judge who has some control over the outcome of your case in court, let me give you a few pointers (based on a letter received today):
1. Do not type the letter with your caplock key on.
2. Do not increase the size of the font tenfold when you get all riled up.
3. Do not go off on tangents about Donald Rumsfeld, Bill O'Reilly and the French.
4. Don't ask if the judge is an orphan, thinking that would explain the reasons why he "hates you" so much. And there is no need to relate the story of how you met "Sunshine" the hooker, whose pimp is an orphan and often yells at her because he feels bad about his childhood.
5. The words "Go Fuck Yourself" probably won't do much for your case.
6. Don't send articles stating that your country (Denmark) appears to be a far better, and less corrupt place than the USA.
7. Don't refer to the Assistant D.A., a male, as looking like Twiggy. In the same vein, there is no need to tell the judge that you yelled at the ADA in a very manly voice.
8. Don't compare the judge to Hitler or Mad Max.
9. Racial and ethnic slurs are best left in the draft copy of your letter.
The more I get letters like this, the more I realize that angry, bitter plaintiffs and defendants are quite like weblog trolls.
As with all ex parte letters, this one gets marked return to sender. I should start the same policy with trolls. I'll just email their comments back to them.