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and other misanthropic things, like how to be the worst girlfriend ever

Jim Treacher pointed me towards this rant: Twenty-six things a perfect guy would do, and other propaganda disseminated by misguided women. I think Treach was trying to point out that I'm not the only misanthrope around. In fact, I've got nothing on this Maddox guy. But he's funny and hateful at the same time which, to me, is the hallmark of a good read.

So I was reading his rant and decided that the 2614 things needed a female persepctive. Not a frilly, prissy female perspective, that's how it got started. Trust me, I've known frilly, prissy females and I am not one of them. In fact, I think I was supposed to be a guy. My mother reminds me (as often as yesterday) that I was supposed to be a Michael.

Anyhow, 2614 things a perfect guy would do and my take on them. Think of it as a companion piece to Maddox's.

1. Know how to make you smile when you are down!
Scratch this one. The last thing I want when I'm down is a guy in my face trying to make me smile. Generally, guys are misguided in this department and they think that tweaking your nipple or slapping your ass will do the trick. If you really want to make me smile when I'm down, pour me a glass of wine and then call on the Cunnilingus Fairy.

2. Try to secretly smell your hair, but you always notice.
What the hell does this mean? Why would you want a guy to secretly smell your hair? Frankly, after a hard day's work, my hair smells like a combination of exhaust fumes, cigarette smoke and copy machine toner. Unless my husband gets off on rancid fumes, he won't be smelling my hair. And trying to do it without me noticing borders on creepy.

3. Stick up for you, but still respects your independence.
Considering that most of your fights will be with your significant other, the guy would have to be a schizophrenic to have to stick up for you. Also, does the woman who wrote this mean that your guy should stick up for you no matter what? What if you're wrong? What if you are a heartless bitch with no feelings, or what if you did kill your elderly neighbor so you could steal her jewelry? A perfect guy would steal the jewelry back from you and then take off to Mexico, not stick around and be pussy whipped by his deranged lover. If you want independence, you can't have your guy backing you up all the time, too. Independence means taking the shitstorm on your own when it comes down.

4. Give you the remote control during the game.
I have a better idea. Why don't you stop bitching and moaning that your guy is interested in something besides you and go out and get a pedicure or or something while he's watching the game if it bothers you that much? There is nothing worse than a partner who thinks your interests should take a back seat to their non-interest of the same.

5. Come up behind you and put his arms around you.
Thanks, but no thanks. I don't know about you, but every time my husband comes up behind me and puts his arms around me, it usually ends up with him grinding my ass, and so on and so on and then the whole day is shot, you know?


6. Play with your hair.
What is it with women and hair? I find hair playing annoying. Unless you're gonna really get in there and massage my scalp until I fall asleep while you're at it, don't bother. You'll just get my hair all tangled anyhow.

7. His hands always find yours.
Finds them where? I hate when he finds my hands down my own pants, it's so embarassing. Anyhow, my husband is an artist. His hands are usually full of paint or charcoal or whatever those chalky crayons are called.

8. Be cute when he really wants something.
You know, if a guy said to a girl "be cute when you really want something," the girl would say that he's demeaning and sexist. I don't want my guy to give me puppy eyes or beg like a little doofus when he wants something. I'm all about the straight talk. You want a beer, just tell me. And then I'll tell you to get it yourself.

9. Offer you plenty of massages.
Honey, if a guy offfers you a massage, it's not relaxation and the art of zen he's looking to give you. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

10. Dance with you, even if he feels like a dork.
What if he looks like a dork when he dances? Is it worth it to get your jollies by making your partner do something he dreads and hates and looks bad doing just so you can pussywhip him a little more? I'm a notoriously bad dancer. My husband runs out the door when he hears certain songs come on and I can't say I blame him. And if I ever see a guy doing the Electric Slide or the Chicken Dance I say to myself "Self, there is one guy who has been totally subjugated by his wife."

11. React so cutely when you hit him and it actually hurts.
The proper reaction here would be to call her a bitch and hit her back. Sorry, girls. You dish it out, you take it.

12. Drive 5 hours just to see you for 1.
I hope whoever wrote this thing never dates a liberal. He'd break up with her for suggesting that he waste our valuable gas like that. And I have to ask, are you going to put out in that one hour? If not, you better at least offer him gas money.

13. Stare at you.
I hate being stared at, even by my husband. Every time he stares at me, I say "What? WHAT? Do I have a booger hanging out of my nose?" It unnerves me. Judging from this chick's lists of requirements, I'm thinking that when her boyfriend stares at her, he's not staring at all, but he's retreated to that happy place he goes to whenever she starts yapping.

14. Call for no reason.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
What's up.
Nothing.
What are you doing?
Nothing.
So, ummm...I just called to say hi.
Hi.

Save your quarter, ok? I have laundry I could be doing.

Well, he only got up to 14 and I don't think I could go any farther, either.

And that's one woman's perspective.

TrackBack

Listed below are links to weblogs that reference and other misanthropic things, like how to be the worst girlfriend ever:

» MEN ARE FROM MARS... from OUTSIDE THE BELTWAY
Some guy named Maddox has an amusing screed entitled, Twenty-six things a perfect guy would do and other propaganda disseminated by misguided women . Which... [Read More]

» Gender Trumps Politics from The Daily Rant
Michele's revision of the rather dorky Twenty-Six Things a Perfect Guy Would Do unites left and right even faster than [Read More]

» The perfect man from Too Much To Dream
...would not do any of the things in this list. Not to me, unless he wanted to be the pe... [Read More]

» Nasty-Mean from e-Claire
This is the most vicious, venomous, vituperative, vile thing I have ever read. Except for this.They're great! Go see...... [Read More]

» No more Small Victory for me, today from Quidnunc
I haven't watched much news recently. I don't even read many cable news Web sites. (I get all my news from Katie Couric, 'cause she's fair and balanced.) Then I came across Fox News Views, thanks to a blog comment that led me to Tongue Tied. I'll be re... [Read More]

Comments

We had a Maxim or one of those sorts of mags here at work and it had advice to men on how to make things more intimate on a date. One of the suggestions was for the guy to straighten, or otherwise move, his date's cutlery, wine glass, etc.., at the dinner table.

Say What?? I still haven't figured out where they got that one from.

HA! No. Way.!! MY mother reminds ME that I was supposed to be Michael... I swear!

Not related, but did you see where fox news gave you a shout-out?

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,90121,00.html

Ah, that shit is for teenagers to dream about and for people who "date". I'm MARRIED, see? For the long, hard, grinding, uphill, rest-of-the-life pull. When hubby does nos. 1, 2, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 13, and 14, I usually try to start by going for the eyes. Then the knees, and possibly the groin area if he's sober. The other ones are just out of character for him and would creep me out, anyway.

"...funny and hateful at the same time which, to me, is the hallmark of a good read."

Oh, well, then, you have got to give Something Positive a look.

This starts you at the beginning, but don't miss the more recent takes on

Boobs

Guns

Disney, Gaming, Ankle Bracelets

Found via the far kinder and gentler (but beautifully drawn) MegaTokyo

#14: Call for no reason... Cheryl used to do this to me when I was at work, and it freaked me no end. See, how I was raised, if you call there had BETTER be something you NEED to say that can't wait the few hours it'd take for us to be face-to-face again. So when I would get a call at work and the intercom would page me to the phone, I'd be immediately sure that a disaster had erupted...and then I'd hear, "...I just wanted to hear your voice..."

I agree with Dave. The phone, to me, is just something to use as necessary. Generally, I call someone with a purpose: to order food, to ask someone where they want to meet and at what time, etc. Leisurely conversations are best in face-to-face settings.

I got to agree with every point you made!

"You want a beer, just tell me. And then I'll tell you to get it yourself."

Oh, that's funny.
Hmmm, Bookmarks - Bookmark this Page.

cool.

For true misanthropy you need to read the Dave Sims anti-feminism tract on the Comics Journal website. Dave is only a few issues of Cerebus away from having the time and freedom to start his own Gorrean cult.

ahhh.. hhhhHHaaaaAAAA...... HHHaa...HOWL...
oh..haaa......hurts....haahhaa

maddox.xmission.com

Quit plagirizing you shit.

Idiot - I gave him credit.