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conversation with a cable modem

It started with a Page Not Found error when I went to Google..

I tried a different page. Same message. That could only mean one thing.

I looked hesitantly toward the cable modem. Sure enough, there was that sinister green light winking at me like an evil eye.

Please, I admonished it. Please work.

It just winked and winked. I think it laughed. In fact, I know it laughed.

Just a few more minutes, please, I begged.

Hey, it said, I'm just trying to help you.

Help me? By denying me the very blood that surges through my veins?

Man, you need some serious help.

Five more minutes.

You have things to do today. Get off your ass.

Hey, you're not my mother!

You've got to pick up dresses, go to the bank, get your son a haircut. And for crying out loud, take a freaking shower already!

Bite me.

You may want to watch how you talk to me.

I'll make you a deal. If I go out and do all those things, will you work again when I get home?


The wink became lecherous.

What do you want from me?

Maybe you could just flash me or something?

Excuse me?

Hey, modems have needs, too. Come on, show me your tits.

I look longingly at the 401 error on moveably type page. I look at my notes in front of me, all the things I wanted to write about today. I realize how far behind I'll be on my blog reading. And I need to read Achewood.


I stand up and lift my shirt up. The modem is appeased.

I'll be working when you get back.

And it was.


Listed below are links to weblogs that reference conversation with a cable modem:

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lol - noooooooo not the dreaded blinking light! flashing....hmmm note to self, flash the cable modem daily

Ummm. I'm not working either (even though I'm AT work). But if you flash me, I might get back to work when you get back.

sits back and waits to see if his cunning plan works

Does the same trick work with ATMs?

And here we see what happens when you go the appeasement route. If you keep this up, eventually it'll be demanding fondling, and then sexual favors. When a modem does that to me, I do electronic violence upon it, killing and resurrecting it. That shows it who's boss.

Those poor boobs are getting put through the mill by their owner! First they were threatened with squishing in a hostage situation (well, one of them anyway), and now they're getting exposed to a cable modem with an unknown agenda that came from who knows where.

As Morpheus indicated, if this is a "smart" modem you may actually be encouraging more frequent outages...

I showed my tits to my modem once and it exploded. I'm taking this as a bad thing.

Some modems have all the luck.

And here I've always muttered "F&%&ing Windows," hit the power button on the back of the CPU, and rebooted.

Of course, my wife already thinks my conversations with the computer are odd enough, I can't imagine what she'd say if she saw me flashing the cable modem (and how can you figure out their sexual preferences, anyway?).

I'm going to have nightmares for 320943750 years now. Note to my wife: if our modem ever makes such a demand, do not comply. Smack it one, quickly leave the room, close the door and call me. The same goes for the router.

RE: So...

...you've got Qwest DSL service too?


P.S. My modem died earlier this week. Talking with a local purveyor of tech accessories, when I asked what he had in DSL modems he said, "Another Qwest DSL service customer....."

You wouldn't have that problem if you downloaded porn everyday..... erm so I heard.

And why isn't your husband helping us all out with a hidden webcam, hmmmm?

Yeah, your modem needs to learn how to share, dammit. ;-)

What is a cable modem? I know what tits are, just haven't seen any in awhile.

What is a cable modem? I know what tits are, just haven't seen any in awhile.

Did you try to reset the thing? That's what usually works for me. But I'll try flashing next time...

my dsl modem seems to be working ok today. but the next time it gives me trouble, i was wondering if you could come over and look at it?

I'm the guy people call when their cable modems don't work. But do I get to see tits after I get things up and working........noooo.....