I find that I just don't have the strength, stamina or brain power to write about war or politics at night. Which is fine, because you can't be all vitriolic and indignant 24 hours a day. Well you can, but the sex is really lousy when you spend your entire day fuming about world events.
I've got better things to think about. Like I was thinking about writing more. No, not blogging more. Writing more. On the blog, but in a different way. Ok, I know what I'm talking about. That's what's important here.
I was thinking about finding an agent. Is there an agent in the house?
I was thinking of how I wanted to be nothing but a writer since I about seven, how holding a pencil in my hand at that young age made me feel alive and importannt and how thrilling it was to string letters together to make words and string words together to make sentences and how, if you made enough sentences, they could form a story. It felt powerful then. It still does.
I was thinking how I never did anything with that power. How I dismissed every person who encouraged me, how I blew all the chances that I had because I was afraid of rejection, afraid that my words weren't worthy of being stamped into a book. A book. Only the people who knew how to wield a pen as if it were a syphon from their brain to paper had words set down in a book.
So I syphoned. I wrote. I wrote more. And the letters and words and sentences sat in boxes upon boxes, stuffed under my bed and in my closet where the evetually lost their power because no one read them.
I was thinking of taking all those thoughts out of their boxes. All the stories and poems and twenty page essays on love and life and the funny things that happen when try to witness the world.
I was thinking how I never reallly let myself become the one thing I ever wanted to be because I was afraid I didn't really own the ability to be that thing. To be a writer.
And now that I'm 40, I'm thinking that I might, just might, have that ability, but I left that door closed for so long I don't even know how to begin to open it.
I guess I could start by knocking.